Jim Jefferies: I Swear to God Page #3

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we could or could not smoke.

Now, we can't f***ing smoke

anywhere,

so why the signs?

It's the law.

I understand the law.

We don't have signs

for every other law

to remind us all the time.

We're meant to understand this.

Right? So every place you

walk in has a no-smoking sign

but it also should have above

it, "And don't touch kids. "

Because,

I feel like

that's the worst crime.

You'll see me in the court

of a nightclub

fisting a small animal, going

"That don't have a sign. "

"I think I can do this. "

Obviously that wouldn't happen,

'cause I don't go to nightclubs.

My nightclub days are over,

I'm 32, I'm a pub guy,

that's it.

Pub and comedy club,

that's all I do.

I don't go to nightclubs

And if you're over 25

and you still go to nightclubs,

you're a dick.

You're a dick,

and you look like a loser,

and if you drive around a car

that goes, pff, pff,

you're a f***ing dick.

If you've ever wanted to be a DJ

that mixes songs- dick.

Nightclubs treat you

like you're a child.

I hate being told

I'm not good enough

to get into a building

by some guy.

I hate going to the toilet and

not be able to wash my own hands

because I have a man there

that I'm meant to tip

a couple of dollars.

Like, and he's there with a bit

of stuff and a hand towel,

and I'm like,

"Can you f*** off, mate?"

I've washed my hands before.

I'm very good at it,

it's one of my skills.

I'm not the most hygienic man

in the world,

I was just sniffing coke

off a toilet seat.

Do you really think

the cleanliness of my hands

is of a paramount concern

at the present moment?

You ever walked out of there

and not washed your hands?

He looks at you

like you're scum.

I'm scum?

You work in a

f***ing toilet, man.

I don't even wash my hands,

f*** washing my hands.

I do so many filthy things,

that's f***ing-

People get obsessed with germs.

Every time I have a one-night

stand, afterwards I go,

"Can I use your toothbrush?"

And she'll just be like:

You've just sucked my cock,

give me your f***ing toothbrush.

I'm gonna tell you some stories

about my family.

We'll start with my dad,

all right?

My dad's a cool guy,

he's a bit of a dick,

he's like all dads,

he thinks he's funny,

and he's funny

for other reasons.

Anyway, so me

and my older brother Scott,

Scott was about nine years old,

I was about five years old,

we're in the garage,

and we're loading up the car

to take things

down to the junkyard,

So we're going through

these old boxes in the garage

and my brother pulls

a vibrator out of the box,

just like this:

And my dad does that

he's-concerned-

but-he-doesn't-want-us-

"Hey, what you got there?"

And then he takes the vibrator,

and me and my brother,

we know that run,

we know what's happened.

This is something good. Eh?

We're f***ing transfixed,

"What is that, dad,

what, what, what?"

"What is that?"

And dad turns around

with the full knowledge

that we have no idea,

and he's like,

"What, uh... What...

This, this is a...

Women... Women, uh...

Women use this to mas-

It's a massager. "

And then my dad turns it on

and goes,

"Whoa, I'm having a great time. "

He turns it off,

he puts it back in the box,

he puts the box back

on the top shelf, and he goes,

"Now, we're not to look at that

anymore. "

A week later, me and my brother,

it's like,

the middle of summer in Sydney,

it's blistering heat,

we're just rocking around

in our underwear,

as kids do, you know.

My brother Scott walks out

to me, and Scott, he goes,

"Jim. Garage. "

We go out to the garage,

he gets up on all these boxes,

he pulls the vibrator out

from the top shelf,

and he looks at me and goes,

"Now, you massage me,

then I'll massage you.

I go first. "

Now, anyone who knows

an older brother,

or has an older brother,

knows this is a f***ing trick.

You're never gonna get a go.

Older brothers always go first.

You never go first.

You push him on the swing

for six f***ing minutes

and then they f*** off.

So I turn the vibrator on,

"I'm gonna get a go",

"Yeah, you're gonna get

a f***ing go",

"All right", "Okay. "

I start working

me brother's back, just,

And my brother gives it these

ones-

Then it's my turn, right?

I stand in front, my brother

turns the vibrator on,

he drops it on the ground,

he fucks off.

Now, I'm five years old,

what do I do?

Five-years-old, you cry.

Right?

So I'm sitting

in the dark of the garage,

in me underwear,

crying,

there's a f***ing vibrator

kicking off on the ground,

I pick up the vibrator

and start working me back.

And then my dad walks in.

To find his five-year-old son

in the garage, in his underwear,

rubbing a vibrator

all over his back.

crying.

And my dad walks up

and he looks me in the eye,

and this is when he says,

he goes,

"Has Scotty f***ed you over

again?"

Then my dad takes the vibrator

off me and looks at me and goes,

"Now, you're not to play

with this, all right?

You're not to play with this.

This is Dad's. "

Now, that sentence

has haunted me.

This is tense.

That raises more questions

than I ever f***ing need

answered.

He retired from work,

my old man,

And as a retirement gift

I paid for him

then paid for me and him

to go out to Germany

in the Soccer World Cup.

It literally cost me

10,000 pounds,

which is like

200,000 American dollars.

So, we're going out, we're gonna

see Australia vs. Brazil,

now, this is the biggest game

in Australia's soccer history,

that's in Munich, it's a great

f***ing soccer country, Germany,

he's loving it, right?

The stadium's about 20 miles

out of the city,

it was like 34 degrees Celsius,

which is, I don't know,

300 Fahrenheit, or something.

And they piled us onto these

un-air-conditioned trains

like f***ing sardines,

I've never felt

so crammed up in my life,

like, so uncomfortable,

I'd never felt so uncomfortable

While we were in the train

there's Brazilian fans chanting,

On the other end of the train

there's Australian fans

trying to chant back, but it's

really like our first World Cup

so it's just like one bloke

going,

Ronaldo's got big teeth.

And the singing dies down

for just a second, right?

Enough time for my dad

to go,

"This is how they used

to transport the Jews. "

There are very few sentences

on this planet

that can make any train

of soccer hooligans go,

"F***ing Jesus, mate. "

"That's a bit uncalled-for. "

Well, my dad thought maybe they

didn't hear him, right?

So he said it again

slightly louder.

"But some of them didn't make it

to the camps, you know. "

We get off the train,

I'm f***ing mortified,

I have never been so embarrassed

in my life,

and I'm with my dad,

I'm going,

"Are you f***ing kidding me,

what is f***ing wrong with you",

and he's like, "What?

What have I done now? What?"

And I'm like,

"The Jew comment"

and he went, "Oh, the f***ing-

They was saying things,

I said some things,

I said something. "

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