Jim Jefferies: I Swear to God Page #4

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"We're at the football. "

You can't argue with that.

I'm very excited about America.

I am looking forward

to living here.

Now, I get to travel a bit

with this job.

Three years ago I was in, uh...

South Africa for the

Cape Town Comedy Festival,

I was out there for six weeks

doing gigs.

I was out there with a comedian,

a very good friend of mine,

I won't say his name, but he's

gay as f*** this guy, right?

And so every day, what we'd do

is we go like,

we have a heterosexual day,

try to pick up girls,

and then we go to a gay

nightclub the other day.

So we go into this gay nightclub

in South Africa called Bronco.

Let's face it,

gay nightclub in Africa,

should have been called AIDS.

We're taking two ecstasy tablets

each, right?

And he's off on the dance floor

trying to get some dick

and I'm standing

at the end of the bar

chatting with a couple of lads

I've never met before,

and one of them goes,

"You're wasted, aren't you?"

And I go, "Yep",

and he goes,

"Do you want to come

to the bathroom with me?"

Now, as a drug taker,

I think he's offering me

a lot of coke.

So I went:
"Would I!"

I put my arm around him,

dragged him off to the toilet,

"Man,this is gonna be

f***ing awesome, man"!

I went into the stall

first to wipe the seat down,

then I went out

and beckoned him in.

Now I don't know about

all the men in the room

but I know these days when you

get me all fellow zocked off,

it takes a little while

to stand to attention.

But he must have

really liked me,

'cause he walked in with

what I can only describe

as a great big black cock.

He shut the door to the stall.

There are now three

people in the stall:

me, him and the

great big black cock.

Just to give the

dimentions of the man,

he's this tall, he's

this wide, the cock's erect,

it's poking into my stomach.

I look up at him and I go...

"I thought we were

gonna do some coke".

And he went:
"Do you

want some coke first?"

"I only want coke".

"But I can see

how with your accent

you may have

mistaken that for cock?"

Now I'd like to say that

something funny happened

after that but, uh, no.

No, he was actually

a really good guy,

I told him I was wasn't

gay and he apologized,

we went out and

he bought me a drink.

Um, but for the sake

of comedy, he raped me!

'Cause that makes

the joke more fun.

He raped me.

I um, my mother- we'll

talk about my mum a bit.

My mum is a very nice lady,

big fat woman. Can take a punch.

She- she- uh she's

over 300 pounds, right?

When- when me and

Scotty were young,

when- same ages,

nine and five, big year,

Mum took me and Scotty out

to see the Moscow Circus

when it came to uh, Sydney.

Now their was an elephant in

the Moscow Circus called Gunter,

and the Circus Master used to

and the elephant used

to rise into it's legs.

I- i- it

was a great show

Anyway, from that moment on

me and my brothers would

refer to my mum as Gunter.

Never to her face,

never to her face,

but with such sentences as:

"When's Gunter coming home?"

"What's Gunter

making for dinner?"

"Don't do that,

Gunter will catch you!"

Now this still

goes on to this day

but we never once said it to her

face except for this one time

when my brother's

about seventeen

and I'm about thirteen,

we're at home

watching a mid-day movie.

Now my brother's on the

couch, arm laid on the floor,

my mum's in a chair.

Now did anyone have a parent

that had their own chair?

They were always

the cunty parent.

They were never the good one.

If you're a parent

that has their own chair,

you're a fascist piece of sh*t.

If you come home and

someone's sitting in your chair,

there's plenty of

other seats, you nazi c*nt.

You don't f***ing

rule the world.

Now she had this chair

or as we called it:

The Throne of Misery,

the Throne of Misery

was a lazyboy chair

that had given up all hope and

the springs were all indented.

Now the movie we

are watching is the Blob,

the original Blob

with Steve McQueen,

the old film, mid-day movie.

We're watching the Blob,

and the scene were the Blob

is oozing out of the cinema,

my brother goes:

"That's you, mum! That's you. "

And me and my brother laugh

like it's the funniest

joke that's ever been said,

because at the time

there's a good chance it was.

My mother on the other hand

did not find this joke funny.

She looks over

at my brother and goes:

You think you're too old

for a smack across the head,

you little f***ing bastard?

I brought you into this world

and I'll f***ing take you out!

And then she goes

to get out of the chair

but she's so fat and so angry,

she can't get any leverage.

So she's just rocking

from side to side:

"You f***ing kids!

I used to have a life",

and her head slash neck

which was all the same to me

is getting

redder and veinier!

My brother knows he has

so much time to run away,

that he

casually walks over,

stands in front of her,

turns to me and winks,

and goes:
"Up, Gunter, up!"

And that's the funniest

f***ing thing I've ever seen.

I've got a theory.

Every single time a man

sleeps with a lot of women,

he's called a stud.

But if a woman sleeps with a

lot of men, she's called a slut.

And people

think this is unfair.

Not!

It's completely fair.

And I'll tell

you why, right?

'Cause it's f***ing

easy to be a slut.

It's f***ing

hard to be a stud.

To be a stud you have to be

witty, charming, well-dressed,

have nice shoes and a fab job.

To be a slut you

just have to be there.

There are fat

ugly sluts out there.

There are no fat ugly studs.

I've met slutty dwarfs,

I've never met a stud dwarf.

Maybe in their own realm,

but none that have crossed over

to our world.

I will say realm

when I mention dwarfs.

Realm is the

right- right word

because

if fantasy movies and

science fiction films

have taught me anything

is that dwarfs are the

only socially acceptable

form of disability

to put in a movie,

without anyone questioning

what the f*** you're doing.

You think of another disability

that's been dressed

up as something else.

Nothing.

Dwarfs, we'll paint 'em

orange, make 'em dance,

call 'em Oommpa Loompa.

George Lucas can ring

up a dwarf farm, and go:

"I need a hundred dwarfs",

"put 'em in bear outfits".

"We'll call 'em ewocks,

let's make this movie happen!".

Try doing that with Cerebral

Palsy and see were it gets ya!

"I need fifteen spastics",

"Cover 'em in fur, we'll

call 'em Wonky Donky Monsters".

"They protect the emperor".

"Let's make

this movie happen!"

sluts and studs before and...

when I say sluts I don't

mean that as a bad word.

I love sluts. I f***ing-

I need 'em in my life, sluts.

They're the best.

I- I want what

everyone wants in this world.

I wanna fall in

love, I wanta get married,

I wanta have kids,

I wanta be happy ever after,

but the problem is,

I've done this job for so

long and f***ed so many sluts,

that I can't

go back to nice girls.

'Cause nice girls

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