Jim Jefferies: I Swear to God Page #5

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are sh*t in bed.

Now I know there are

a lot of nice girls

in the room right

now. They're going:

"You don't know me".

"I'm dirty".

No you're f***ing not,

you're sh*t in bed.

But it's not your

fault, it's not your fault.

It's that everything is

worked out for you in your life.

I'm not blaming you,

nothing bad has happened,

and therefore you

wouldn't do disgusting things.

I appreciate that.

Now I know you're

thinking you're dirty,

I- let me see if

I got you right here.

All the girls that think they're

dirty but they're nice girls,

I can see you out there.

Y- You think

you're dirty because

you have a nurse's

outfit or a schoolgirl outfit

You uh, deep throat a cock

because you saw someone doing it

in a porn once and you think

"Oh my boyfriend will dig that".

Ah, you take it up the ass four

times a year, am I correct?

Now please don't think that

I don't appreciate the effort.

Because I do, I-

thank you so much for trying.

But I'll tell you

what the difference is,

when you deep throat a cock,

you're doing it because

you've seen it in a porn

and you think your

boyfriend will enjoy it.

When a slut deep throats a cock,

she's doing it because she

can't last another second

without having a cock

bruising the back of her throat.

When you've got a cock in

your ass, you're thinking:

"This isn't so bad. I hope

he's enjoyed his birthday".

When a slut's got a cock

in her ass she's thinking:

"You know what'd be good?

Two c*cks in my ass!"

And you can't learn this.

That has to be in your system,

that has to be part of you.

But the thing is

you can't marry the slut,

you can't have a

relationship with the slut,

because slut's

are f***ing mental!

Mental! That's what makes them

good, they've got some power.

I f***ed this girl five

months ago for four months.

All right? For four

months I f***ed her,

and then a couple weeks ago,

she walks up,

four and a half months

from the moment I met her,

she walks up at my

house with a baby, going:

"This is your baby!".

Now I'm not great

at maths, all right?

And the baby's Chinese,

and there's a Chinese family

crying:
"Give us back our baby!"

F***ing mental.

See the thing is,

now I'm saying,

sluts, there might be

some women in the audience

I'm gonna do some

c*nt jokes now.

I'm gonna do

some jokes about c*nts.

Now the thing is

with doing c*nt jokes,

I know- and also the word

"c*nt" you don't like it,

do you America?

You're not comfortable with it

There's women that every

time I say the word "c*nt",

they're like Aw, Jesus!

You just don't like it

and- and you accept it from me

because "Oh he's foreign,

he doesn't know better".

I do know better

I just don't give a f***.

The thing is you've got

worse words in America,

like- like you haven't

heard me say "mother f***er",

Have you?

It's ridiculous that word.

I think it just sounds

terrible in my accent,

The word "mother f***er" is

much more offensive than "c*nt".

It's, "c*nt" is, it's-

it's- it's it's in Shakespeare,

in Chauser, it's the oldest

swear word in the world.

It's lovely.

But mother f***er is so brash.

Let's break down

the word mother f***er, right?

It's a boy f***ing his mum.

In the c*nt. It's horrible.

Now I'm gonna do some

jokes about female genitalia.

Now I don't feel bad about

doing this anyway because

I haven't been

to many comedy clubs

where I haven't

seen a female comic

And not being able

to get their dick up,

and what's wrong with men, when

you f*** 'em, a, b, c and d...

And I- I've never seen

a man at the end of the show

walk up to the manager and go

"well I enjoyed it,

but I feel that penis

stuff was unnecessary".

Men just f***ing, "Aw,

I got a small dick what

are you gonna do about it?"

See, women always

go for the dick,

they think that's men's Achilles

Heel, they always go after you.

"It's not funny, it's funny... "

Every time

you shag a bird,

and you're not good to her,

and then like a week later,

all the friends will

walk past you and do that.

And women think that's

the funniest joke

in the world, right?

That's not funny,

that's hurtful.

Next time you think about doing

that, imagine you f*** a guy,

the next day all of his

mates walk past you and go:

You never do that again!

And you think by doing this

you're teaching me something I

don't already f***ing know?

I'm well aware I've got a

small dick, I've measured it.

I know how big my dick

is to the millimeter.

But does any woman in this room

truly know the

size of their c*nt?

None of you, and none of

you will ever know for sure

because no man's gonna tell

you because we're good people.

I know what you're thinking.

He's not talking about my c*nt

'cause it gets

a bit sore during sex.

That means fuckle.

I've been down on

a woman for twenty minutes,

it's wide open, it's

flowing like the Mary River,

I put the tip

of my cock in there,

they go "Gentle,

gentle, gentle".

"I could shove my

f***ing head in that".

Sometimes fat chicks

have really tight c*nts.

That's a bloody mistery eh?

I think it's 'cause all

the fat's pushing inwards,

and when you're f***ing 'em,

and you never

actually reach the c*nt.

That's why doctor's say

fat women have to

lose weight to get pregnant.

That's a good joke.

I- I'll tell

you a bit about me,

I- as I'm getting older,

I'm finding it harder

and harder to- to come.

I used to be able

to come like that,

I was like an

orgasming ninja.

I could come whenever I-

And now I can't come so much

because each day that goes by...

I- I can come if I'm

masturbating because I know me.

But if there's a chick involved

and it's not really nasty and

everything, I can't really...

So what I do is I fake orgasm

now because I wear condoms.

And if you wear condoms the girl

doesn't know that you're faking

and I can't come with a condom

on. Those days are long gone.

and I fake orgasm

with a condom on,

eh, and women don't

think that men can fake orgasm

but we can

f***ing fake orgasm.

You think

that's your only domain.

The weird thing is that men...

I have to fake orgasm

because if I don't come,

a girl will

take that personally,

like she hasn't

done a good job, right?

And women fake orgasms

because, I don't know why.

I don't give a sh*t.

I have done my best.

What do you want from me?

I'm a- I'm trying, I- I-

if I haven't made you come,

I've made girls come before.

Don't blame me. Your

c*nt's broken. All right?

And- and- and female orgasm's

all wailing and jiggly legs

like I'll never crack

that code or something.

But my fake orgasm

as a man is a piece of piss.

This is me fake

orgasming with a condom on.

Now what I do is

I put 'em in doggy style,

and then I just go like this:

There you go! Uh!

And then I take the

condom off really quickly

and run to the bin.

"Oh just put this over here",

which is very similar

to how my dad runs.

Eh! "Don't come over here!" You

know, you put tissues over...

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