Jim Jefferies: I Swear to God Page #6

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"Don't come near the bin!

You'll get pregnant!"

"There's so much come here".

"Be careful!"

Which leaves me

to ask the next question:

If I come like this,

When retarded people come,

do they look

normal for a second?

Is there a little

window of time where...?

Uh, let's finish

up on a story,

we've got, you know...

Now, uh, a few years back,

maybe four years ago now,

I was performing in

the Amsterdam Hilton,

now the base of the Amsterdam

Hilton have a comedy club,

and I was there for two weeks.

I had two days off

from my two weeks,

and I found out that on

the outskirts of Amsterdam

there's a great big place

called the Porn Warehouse,

which is like

a great big Walmart.

So on my day off I thought:

"F*** Ann Frank's place".

And- I went out to

the Porn Warehouse.

Now when I go grocery shopping,

Porn warehouse, took a trolley.

It still had the kid seat,

which I thought was odd.

Now I'm lining my trolley

full of every little bit of porn

and paraphernalia I can get,

I get up

towards the till and

there's a massive wall

covered in dildo's.

Now if you're with your

mates, what would you do?

Sword fight!

But I was by myself so I just

do that scene from Star Wars

where there's like the

floating wall with the...

Now there's a smaller

wall but just as impressive,

covered in rubber vibrating

vaginas.

Now whenever you're with

your mates and see one of those,

you go "Who the f***

would use one of those eh?"

There's always a bit

of your brain that goes:

"Wouldn't mind

trying that just once".

So, I got myself

the Jimmy Jammers

and rubber vibrating vagina

and the side of the box said:

"Vibrates so as to give

realistic sensation. "

Realistic if your f***ing

a chick with Parkinson,

but not realistic

in the full sense.

Now I'm going back

to my hotel and decided

if I'm gonna have this

wank, it'll be the wank.

It's gotta be the wank

that when I've got dementia

I'll be sitting in

a nursing home going:

I f***ed a rubber c*nt!

I f- I f***ed it!

Wednsday's pudding day!

So I put on me porn

on one side of the bed,

I put porn on the telly,

I got the rubber c*nt,

it had a vibrating

egg that went on the end

with a cord

to a remote control.

I uh, lubed up my cock

and I proceeded to f*** it.

Now, it felt okay but

I couldn't really enjoy meself

because the only thought

going through me head was:

"If you die right now",

this is how they'll tell

your mum they found you".

Now as I've already mentioned,

I don't have a big cock.

I think the

rubber c*nt was faulty.

'Cause as I'm f***ing it,

the latex on the top

just sort of tears,

and I'm pretty upset 'cause

it's not like I can

take it back to the shop,

slap it on

the counter and go:

"Look at that".

"I bought that an hour ago",

"went home and f***ed it",

"now that c*nt's broken".

Now, I still had a lot of

lube, I still had a lot of porn,

and I still had

a vibrating egg.

So I did what anyone

in this room would do:

I lubed that egg up

and shoved it up me ass!

It's now sitting

up against the gland

The male g spot.

It felt terrific.

I was enjoying myself so much

I was already thinking of

other things to shove up me ass

once I got back to London.

I slapped me cock

a couple of times

and I gizzed all over me chest.

so now I've got gizzle all

over me chest, lube on me cock,

egg hanging out me ass,

broken c*nt in the corner.

I gotta tell you,

I've looked better.

Now you know that bit of pain

that goes through your soul

after you've had a wank and you

got a bit of come on your hand?

and you go:

"What did you do that for?"

"You're a grown man. "

Well I still had an egg

hanging out of my ass.

Safe to say

I wanted to kill meself,

so I started slapping

the porn off the bed,

turn the porn off the telly.

I go to whip the egg outta me

ass, the f***ing cord snaps off!

Not only does it snap off,

but the two plastic shells of

the egg slightly break apart,

and are now pinching

against me colon!

Now you're first thought is:

"Well don't worry about this

Jim, you can sh*t this out".

But your ass hole

knows what sh*t is

and it knows

what plastic egg is,

and it don't play

cricket in this situation.

Now, I don't know if you all

know a lot about your colon,

and know should 'ya,

But they're made up of several

channels that pump poo through.

Now I've lubed up

this finger and this thumb.

And I've gone up

me ass after the egg.

With every grab

I've pushed it further,

and further

and further up my colon.

It's now up to channel five.

My next thought was to get a

whole lot of high fiber food,

make my poo really solid, push

the egg out through pressure,

very similar to when

Augustus Gloop got stuck

in the chocolate chute in

I was working on

one method at a time.

I could've done with an

Oommpa Loompa with a plunger.

Now as many of you

may have already realized,

I'm not a doctor.

I didn't know that high fiber

food made you poo sloppy.

I thought the grains

and stuff held together

to make some type of super poo.

Turns out that protein

makes you poo hard.

Ironically, I should've

been eating boiled eggs.

Insted, I had to sh*t

the way around the egg.

I don't feel like you're

all getting into this story.

So let's jump forward

to day number three.

I decided that if it

was up my ass for another day,

I was gonna go to hospital.

My biggest fear was going to

hospital in a foreign country

"You'll never guess

what's happened to me".

But being Holland there's

a good chance he could go:

"You have an egg up your ass?"

"Go join the cue

with the other australians".

On day number three

I had a chinese dinner.

And I kept my chopsticks.

Now I've gone

back to the hotel.

I've bent over

At this moment

I've thought to myself:

"You probably should've

gone to the Ann Frank museum".

I put one chopstick

on top of the egg,

in a crow bearing fashion.

The other chopstick

I used to widen the hole.

In one motion I snapped

this egg outta my ass.

Followed by two feet of sh*t.

It was at this

moment I thought to meself:

Shoulda done that

in the bathroom!

Ladies and gentlemen,

thank you so much!

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