Jim Jefferies: This Is Me Now

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Hello, London!

That's my town.

Uh...

This is my second home.

I lived here for ten years.

I love London.

I actually recorded

a couple of specials here before.

When I lived here, I was broke.

I had no f***ing money.

And maybe like 12 years ago,

I signed a contract

for five comedy specials for 90,000

with a record label over here,

which, when you're broke...

sounds like a really good

f***ing deal, right?

I had no money

and someone offered me 90,000,

I was like, "F***, yeah,"

for five comedy specials.

But that is the worst deal

in record history.

Five comedy specials for 90,000.

Anyway, I was locked in.

I recorded one,

and then I got offered

an HBO special in America.

And so I went back to my record label

over here,

and I said, "Hey, here's the deal.

I just got offered a big deal in America.

What I'll do is I'll go over there,

I'll do the special then I'll come back

and do the other four specials with you."

And then my record label here went,

"You can't do that.

You're contracted to us,"

and I went, "Oh, that's a shame."

Then I got on a plane

and I went to America.

And then HBO said, "You sorted

that contract problem out, didn't ya?"

And I went, "I sure did."

And then I did the HBO special

and then my record label here

sued me for 200,000,

which is like, $300,000 American, right?

But it doesn't matter,

because HBO paid me $50,000, so...

So, you gotta spend money

to make money, you know?

So I was a little bit in the hole.

I had spent a lot of that earlier money

on drugs already.

So now I'm...

I'm poor and famous.

See, everybody wants to be

rich and famous.

And rich and famous is f***ing amazing.

Poor and famous sucks d*cks.

Have you ever been in a pound store

and been famous? That's...

So anyways, I'm poor and famous, right?

So I have sex with this American woman...

Consensually! I asked her.

She said yes, she enjoyed herself.

Anyway...

So I had sex with this woman,

and she thought, 'cause I was on the TV,

that I had money.

So she tried to extort me for $50,000.

She goes, "I have a sex tape of yours,

and I'm going to sell it."

And I went, "F***ing try."

"I don't know what the market is

for the podgy, pale Australian guy

who lasts a minute and a half,

but see what you can f***in' get."

Then she goes, "Well, I have a photo

of you doing cocaine."

And I went, "Everyone does!

I've done cocaine off photos

of me doing cocaine."

"And you want to extort me?

Why don't you get a picture of me

being nice to my mother

or opening a door for a woman

or something off-brand?"

Now, I used to do

a lot of misogynistic jokes.

I'm not going to do as many of those.

I'll do some.

There's a lot of problems at the moment.

There's a lot of guys

that are raping people,

and a lot of people in the entertainment

business are going down,

some for more offensive things

than others, you know, but...

I'm nervous.

You know, I...

I don't think I've done anything wrong,

but between the hours of nine and nine,

I'm pretty blacked out.

Anyway, so...

Like, if James Bond was a real person,

he'd be super f***ing nervous right now.

James Bond would be showing up to work,

like, "I'm here to see Q."

"Actually, you're here to see HR."

"We have 472 complaints

from a Miss Moneypenny."

Ah!

"Two Russian operatives say you used their

power against them and had sex with them."

"I was trying to get information.

You're welcome."

There's been like, Kevin Spacey went down.

Kevin Spacey, he went down, and he goes...

He goes, his defense was,

"It's probably a good time to mention

that I'm gay."

And we were like, "What?

Kevin, say it's not true."

Um...

Yeah, Kevin gets a bit grabby.

From all reports,

he reaches,

he touches your dick outside your jeans.

For a little bit. He's a dick grabber.

We all have that gay friend, don't we?

We all have that gay friend

that every time you're drunk,

you're like, "Get out of of it,

don't touch my dick."

And they're like,

"I'll get you next time,"

I'm like, "I'm sure you will,

but not today."

But he paid the price, as people should

when they do things wrong.

He paid the price.

You know, he had a great career,

and Netflix,

the network we're on right now,

they fired him, and rightfully so.

And he lost his job

as a fake president.

Yet there is an actual president...

with four times as many allegations...

who still has his f***ing job.

We have a guy...

who said, and I quote...

"I love women...

when I see them, I kiss them.

I don't even ask.

I can't help myself.

I grab 'em by the p*ssy.

When you're famous...

they let you."

Now, I'm famous.

And when I heard that,

I went out and I gave it a go.

And I gotta tell you, they don't let you!

You women are a sensitive bunch.

Moody, if you will.

Now...

The term "Grab 'em by the p*ssy,"

as soon as that happened,

I started tweeting and saying

in interviews jokes about it.

And people started writing me saying,

"Yes, well, you've said worse things,"

and I have, and this evening,

I will say worse things.

And that's why I agree

that I shouldn't be president

of the United States of America.

I'm not qualified.

Don't use me as your moral benchmark.

Do you think I'm offended

by the term "Grab 'em by the p*ssy"?

I'm not offended by it.

I'm confused as f***.

I've never heard those words grouped

together into a f***ing sentence.

If he said, "I grab 'em by the tit,"

I know what a tit-grab entails.

I can picture a tit-grab.

I'm fully aware of what's going on there.

"I grab their ass," I know that.

Even if it was weird,

like "I grab 'em by the head,"

I can picture a head-grab.

"Grab 'em by the p*ssy," you see...

the p*ssy is an inward thing.

If I said to you right now, "I met a girl,

I grabbed her by the belly button."

How f***ing confused are you?

You'd be like, "Did you poke it?"

I'd be like, "Nah...

I didn't poke it.

I grabbed the whole thing.

Keep up!"

Like, if he said, "I palm their p*ssy,"

I can picture a p*ssy-palming.

Like if he just scooped his hand over.

Or if he fingered a p*ssy.

We've all fingered a p*ssy,

whether it be our own or someone else's.

But to grab a p*ssy...

that's gotta be one f***ing meaty,

low-hanging fruit f***ing p*ssy.

That's gotta be a p*ssy

that's just given birth,

is prolapsed.

They haven't put the stitches in yet.

Maybe that's what he does.

Maybe he goes around to maternity wards

and goes, "Congratulations!

It's a beautiful child.

Don't worry about it. I'm famous."

This has taken up far too much space

in my brain.

I've been thinking about p*ssy grabbing

for over a year now.

Like, he says they don't mind.

What is the scenario...

where you can grab a p*ssy...

and no one minds?

I guess it has to be in a private area,

'cause you can't do it

in the general public,

because for the most part

p*ssy grabbing is "frowned upon."

If I jumped into the crowd right now

and grabbed a p*ssy...

you'd all be like, "Stop that, Jim."

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