Jim Jefferies: This Is Me Now Page #2

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"Get back on stage. Finish the show."

So I've thought of every scenario,

I've thought of every available option

on how to grab a p*ssy

where everything's fine.

This is the only one

I can think of, right?

Okay, the woman has to feel

comfortable and safe.

So I picture a woman who's like,

she's in her own garden.

She's feeling good. It's her garden.

She feels safe, it's a secluded garden.

There's f***ing hedges and sh*t.

She's wearing a mini-skirt, no underwear.

She doesn't give a f***. It's her garden.

And she's gardening.

She's tending to soil.

She's potting a plant.

And then you, the celebrity...

You have to creep into the garden,

almost cartoonishly, just...

Then you get your hand like that,

so devil horns open up, flip around.

Now you want to be

a real good p*ssy grabber,

'cause you're only going to get

one shot at this.

and that thumb's going

straight into the a**hole.

So you're like, "Bang!"

Right, to begin with, she's shocked.

"What the f***'s going on?"

While she's in that state of shock,

lift her up, she's on her toes.

She's not going anywhere.

She's upset, but then she turns around,

"Oh, you're famous,"

and everything's fine.

Now, I don't want to spend

too much time talking about

American politics while I'm here.

You've got your own issues.

All right, look...

I know you broke away

from the European Union.

I don't understand what happened.

I know it's mixed, the opinion.

I don't know what's going on,

but then when I talk to you people,

you don't f***ing know

what's going on, either.

I'm never seen something

happening in a country,

where you're all like,

"No idea what's happening."

There's so many things.

Like, do you get rid of

the European people who are living here?

Or, like... in your hospitals,

you have 250,000 nurses

who are from like Spain and France

and all that type of bullshit, right?

Do you get rid of those people?

And if you do do that,

do you get back all the British people...

who live in Spain and France and all that?

'Cause I gotta be honest,

they're not your best people.

Right? Like...

you should have a TV show every night

called One In, One Out.

And it's like, "And who are we

getting rid of today?

Okay, well, first of all,

we're getting rid of Rosita.

Rosita is a nurse

who took care of the elderly,

who incidentally voted her out.

And..."

"And who are we getting back?

We're getting...

Barry!"

"Barry's a cab driver who won ten grand

on a scratchy and moved to Majorca."

Feels like a fair swap you got there.

See, immigrants are good.

You wanna have them, man.

Unless they're f***ing Mexicans.

I live in LA, you wouldn't believe

the problems we have with Mexicans.

F***ing dirty Mexicans.

They come over the border,

and they're taking all the good jobs.

They can't even speak English,

they're taking all the good jobs.

I don't know how they do it, but they do.

Sometimes I look at my son, and I think...

"If only he could pick fruit someday."

I have this woman who cleans my house

twice a week.

You wouldn't believe the amount

of white people who applied for that job.

Oh!

They were queued around the f***ing block,

and I was like, "Get the f*** away

from my house.

I don't like explaining everything twice."

This is what Trump reckons.

Trump reckons that the Mexicans...

are coming over the border...

and they're raping.

I don't know how, though.

It just doesn't feel like

the opportune time.

You're trying to flee a country,

you're dehydrated, you're in the desert.

That would be the last thing on my mind,

but that's because I'm not

as sneaky as a Mexican.

"They're coming over the border

and they're raping."

Sure, maybe some of them.

You know, maybe.

But some of every nationality rapes.

It's not like it's a Mexican thing.

It's not like if you go to

a really authentic Mexican restaurant...

And there's like a f***ing sombrero

and a piata,

and you walk in with your wife and kids,

like, "This is very nice.

This is a lovely restaurant."

Then, a waiter takes you away

from your family...

Off to the special Mexican closet.

You come back out,

your ass is like a Japanese flag.

You look at your wife, and you're like,

"Why do we keep coming here?

Every week.

If the food wasn't so good..."

It's not a Mexican thing.

Sure, some of them are rapey.

Every nationality rapes.

You have British rapists,

you have Australian rapists,

or Australia wouldn't exist

in its current state.

There's...

There's probably a Canadian rapist,

one fella.

Polite bloke.

You know, a nice bloke.

Where you're going for a jog,

and he just drags you into some bushes,

like,

"I'm so sorry about this. I'm so sorry."

I won't be too long.

I don't want to ruin your day."

That's why I do believe

there should be a wall.

There should be a wall...

on the Canadian border.

So that when the Americans

run out of health care,

they can't crawl over into Canada.

I think the Canadians

should just make the wall three foot high.

Just to take the piss.

So that when the Americans

are crawling over,

because their lungs are filled with coal

from getting all their jobs back.

Like, who the f***...

wants their job back in the coal mine?

Like, what the f*** is...

They're like, "We're gonna get

our coal mining jobs back."

What the f***?

I didn't even know coal was still a thing.

As soon as Trump said it,

I'm like,

"Is this is a f***ing Dickens novel?

What the f***?"

And why the f*** do these people

deserve to have a job?

What, because their dad had a job,

and their grandfather had

the same f***ing job,

and their great-great grandpappy...

Have some f***ing dreams,

you low aspirational f***.

And they say things,

they're just like this,

like, "If the coal mine shuts down,

then the whole town will shut down."

Yeah, f*** your town. F*** it.

F*** it.

In my lifetime,

the population of the world has gone

from three billion to seven billion,

and no one wants to move

to your f***ing town. Take a f***ing hint.

No, it's good. No hecklers, happy.

I don't like the hecklers.

I was doing the Edinburgh Festival

in Scotland.

I have to say Scotland,

'cause American people are watching.

Um...

I was doing the Edinburgh Festival

in Scotland,

and I was performing

in front of about 400 people.

I was doing a routine

I've done in one of my older specials

that I don't do any more,

about how you have to

baptize your children,

because if you don't

baptize your children,

and they die in infancy,

then they don't get into Heaven.

Because God's a good guy...

but he does have some rules.

And if he lets one dead baby

into Heaven,

then he has to let

all the dead babies into Heaven.

And before you know it,

Heaven's just filled

with f***ing dead babies.

So I'm on stage

kicking dead babies around,

as you do at work.

And this woman in the fourth row,

very attractive, but she's in hysterics.

She's crying, her eyes are bawling,

and she just stands up and goes...

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