Jim Jefferies: This Is Me Now Page #3

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"You f***ing bastard!

You bastard!"

And then she just leaves the room

just in hysterics.

I'm still f***ing mid-kick, like...

And then her husband stands up...

and he picks up her handbag,

and he holds the handbag

like all men hold handbags.

Two hands in front of the chest.

"I'm holding this for someone else, so..."

Anyways, he picks up the handbag,

he holds it,

we can still hear her screaming.

She went out the door, she's screaming.

The staff are trying to calm her down.

She's screaming,

and the husband stands up, and he goes...

"I'm sorry, Jim.

I'm sorry, everyone.

We were expecting our first child

and she miscarriaged at seven months.

That was six weeks ago

and the baby was due this week.

So we decided to leave the house

for the first time

and forget about our problems..."

"And to try to have a laugh."

"Anyway, Jim, the first half of the show

was really great."

And then he just leaves awkwardly,

like, "Excuse me. Sorry."

We can still hear her screaming.

Men and women in the room

are crying their eyes out,

which isn't good for comedy, and...

and I'm trying to bullshit

my way out of it.

I'm on stage going, "Hey...

that joke was more about

the hypocrisy of religion

rather than dead babies, per se."

Uh...

And as I'm doing that, in the second row

a Geordie fellow from Newcastle, England,

he stands up in the second row,

and he points at me,

really angry like this, and he goes...

"To be fair...

she's f***ing hot."

And this sentence fell out

of my mouth so fast,

I couldn't put the words back in.

I went, "Ah, well,

they get to keep their figure

when they don't carry them full-term."

I'm not proud of this.

I'm just reporting it.

As soon as I said it,

bottles just started getting thrown at me.

Just f***ing... Whoof!

I'm like, f***ing fromThe Matrix, like...

And I was just like, "Good night!"

That was many years ago.

If you're watching this special at home,

I hope you had a kid since then.

Um...

What am I gonna do?

Her miscarriage brought so much joy

to other people.

Uh...

I dislike deaf people.

Actually, I need to rephrase that.

I don't dislike deaf people.

I hate sign language people.

Sign language people f*** me up the wall.

I don't mind the deaf.

Individually,

deaf people can be a delight.

It's when deaf people get into packs,

I don't like them.

If you get a group of deaf people...

If you get eight or more deaf...

like a herd of...

A...

A gaggle or a...

What can we all agree on? A murder?

If you get a murder of deaf,

if you get eight or more deaf,

and I have no problem with them.

I just want to say that right again.

If you get eight or more deaf,

and you're in a theater in America,

they will be seated like this...

They'll be seated four and four, right?

'Cause what happens is,

if you get a murder of deaf,

the American government will pay

for a sign language person.

Probably not for much longer,

but at the moment it's a thing.

Uh...

The American government will pay for

a sign language person to stand here.

Now, the sign language person is normally

a frumpy chick who learned sign language

so she could date a deaf guy

out of her league, but whatever.

Anyway...

So...

But no one ever tells me.

They never say,

"Jim, there's a sign language person."

They never f***ing tell me.

So I come out,

"Please welcome Jim Jefferies,"

I walk out,

I see the sign language person,

I'm like, "Ah, f*** me."

'Cause I've never had a good show

if a sign language person

is standing there.

Never f***ing happened.

Because the deaf people

are having a horrible time.

They've watched me on Netflix,

they've read my lips,

and they've seen the facial expressions.

Now they're not even looking at me.

They're looking at her,

and her comedy timing f***ing sucks d*cks.

And they can't modulate their sound,

so they're just like,

"This is a sh*t show,"

and I'm like, "No!

It's not a sh*t show!

And she's like, "Not a sh*t show."

Like that.

Now I know what you're thinking.

"What's the big deal?

That's eight people out of thousands.

Who gives a f***?"

I'll tell you why.

You can't have a good comedy show

with a sign language person,

because the human brain

isn't fully developed.

If I swear,

and there's a sign language person

standing there,

every single f***ing one of you will go,

"And what would that word be?"

I do it myself while I'm onstage.

So I'll teach you the word you wanna know.

"C*nt," obviously.

You wanna know "c*nt."

All right, so that's "vagina."

This is "c*nt."

Gotta give it a bit of attitude,

it needs to be a snap.

You ever see deaf person

look at you like, "You c*nt!" Like that.

That's a deafie who don't like you.

Then there's fun ones,

like "bullshit," right?

So you do, like, a bull's head...

Cross it around, bullshit.

It's adorable. Bullshit.

I always feel sorry for deaf people

who are in relationships

with other deaf people.

Because occasionally,

you must be fighting.

You're coming home from a party.

You're trying to be a safe driver.

And your wife's being a f***ing b*tch...

Bullshit.

And then...

Then there's things that are just like...

There's different dialects

for sign language.

'Cause I've done this whole thing, right?

So in Britain...

this is "Jew."

Seems bad, right?

Wait till you see America.

This is "Jew" in America...

I don't know why,

but that is more offensive than that.

So if you ever see a deaf person,

like, "You Jew c*nt!"

Like that.

That's a Trump-voting deaf

you got yourself there.

Then there's things where you feel like

the deaf aren't educated.

Like, this is "gay men."

That's what the deaf think

the gays get up to.

They think they get in a room

and bash d*cks together.

Now, I was... doing that routine

in New Zealand or something,

I was doing that,

and a guy yelled out,

"Oh, that's docking."

I said, "What's docking?"

And then he didn't say anything.

And then I went home

and I googled "docking."

And wasn't that a waste of four hours.

Just a show of hands.

Who knows what docking is?

Wow, it's a lot.

For the rest of you,

you're in for a treat.

You need two men...

And both of them have to have

erect d*cks at the same time.

It's already weird, isn't it?

Anyway, one dick...

ideally, to dock...

One dick needs to be,

like, a circumcised dick.

And the other dick needs to be

a European fella.

Let's talk about this very quickly.

Okay, so...

I'm circumcised.

I know you are all not circumcised.

I know you're not, right?

I got my son circumcised. Right?

When I got my son circumcised,

I mentioned on a late night show

that I got my son circumcised,

and I got a lot of hate mail

and people freaking the f*** out

and saying I mutilated my kid

and all this type of stuff, and...

Look, people do it for different reasons.

It's a personal thing. Right?

Some people circumcise their children

for religious purposes.

Some people do it for medical reasons.

The reason I got my son circumcised

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