Jim Jefferies: This Is Me Now Page #4

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is so that when he is older,

women will enjoy having

his dick in their mouths.

I did it because I love him.

And your d*cks are f***ing disgusting.

You f***ing animals.

How do you f***ing look at your dick

and have any level of self-respect?

Every f***ing day,

your f***ing hooded, slimy f***ing d*cks.

My dick smells constantly.

It's an eternal battle against that smell.

I can't even imagine

what you accept in your life.

Do you know that it's not in porn?

It's not in f***ing porn.

Uncircumcised isn't in porn.

Because the people that make porn

are trying to run a business,

and they don't want people f***ing

vomiting when they're masturbating.

You can't go into a porn site

and put "uncircumcised."

It doesn't come up.

Your dick is less of a fetish than feet,

you f***ing disgusting animals.

Name me one time

where extra skin on the body

is a good thing.

When someone gets old,

they get that turkey neck

and they're like,

"Ooh, I've been looking forward to this."

Some f***ing 500-pound c*nt

loses 300 pounds,

has a big elephant ear of skin,

and the doctor goes, "Oh, lucky you!

Extra skin.

Women love extra skin."

Anyway, so docking,

you need two d*cks, right?

A lovely, pristine dick, and...

a horrible dick.

Then you line the two d*cks up...

and with your slimy hood...

you get that bit,

and you stretch it over the nice dick.

Now...

that'll make a seal.

Now, the only way to break that seal

is to pop a bit of air out of the side

and gently release,

like it's a Tupperware lid.

'Cause you can't just pull against it,

'cause then it's like

a Chinese finger trap.

Now that the d*cks are docked...

you just gently bash d*cks.

There's probably kissing, isn't there?

I imagine you'd kiss.

Your mouths are aligned, probably...

And then if you're into each other,

you'll come simultaneously

on each other's dick heads.

That'll make a cum bubble of sorts...

that eventually will just go, "Blugh."

And that's docking.

Now, it's weird, because...

People... I sort of got more popular,

because of a routine that I did

on gun control, and...

People come and see me

because of the gun control routine,

and they want me to do

some political commentary

or some social commentary,

and then I just did, like, what was that,

ten minutes on docking.

And the thing about

the gun thing is weird.

It's nice to have that as a calling card,

that people want to see you

because they liked that routine,

but then also,

it's a double-edged sword because...

I get more popular after a massacre,

and that's really not what you want.

It's not like you're sitting at home,

"Ooh, there's been a massacre."

Uh...

It's tough, because people think

if you talk about gun control in America,

you're talking about banning guns.

I'm not talking about banning guns.

I'm talking about controlling guns.

See, after what happened in Las Vegas...

That guy shot all those people.

I think he had 48 guns

or something like that.

All the news people were like,

"Gun control wouldn't have done anything,

because he bought all the guns legally."

And you're like, "Yeah...

gun control could have

f***ing solved that.

How about if we brought in a law

where you're allowed seven?"

"If you can't protect

your family with seven,

you're no f***ing good with the guns."

So this whole idea

that if you bring in gun control,

you're going to ban guns,

is a load of bullshit,

because there already is gun control.

There's things like you can't put

a bayonet on the end of your gun.

'Cause that would make

your gun too stabby.

And it's the right to bear arms,

it's not the right to bear guns.

It's the right to bear arms.

Arms are weapons.

See, in Texas,

you can open carry an assault rifle

on your back into Target.

You can't walk into Target

with a chainsaw.

People would think that's f***ing weird.

You walk into Target...

Security would be like,

"What the f*** with the chainsaw, man?"

You'll be like,

"This is my protection chainsaw!

This is to protect me and my family!

You'll be happy I'm here

if a bad guy with a chainsaw comes in.

'Cause the only way to stop

a bad guy with a chainsaw

is a good guy with a chainsaw."

See...

this idea that all guns are for protection

is f***ing bullshit.

They're not all for protection.

You can buy sniper rifles.

Rifles that can shoot two kilometers.

How is that for protection?

Who the f***...

is sitting in the front of their house...

looking at some c*nt

two kilometers away...

like, "Back down!"

But you know, I understand.

People love their families.

They wanna f***ing...

I'm actually gonna say something now

that'll make some people upset.

It's weird that I say it.

I'm a single dad now.

I've been a single dad for over a year.

When people hear it,

they go, "Oh, that's a shame."

Not a shame.

Me and my ex weren't getting along.

We're still good friends now.

I'll tell you how we broke up.

This is literally how me

and my ex broke up.

I bought a house five doors down

from my house,

and she goes, "What did you get that for?"

And I went, "For you to live in."

And she high-fived me

and skipped down there.

She was happy to go as well.

So now I'm a single dad,

and the weird thing is about being

a single dad is, before that,

I used to go on and on and on

about what a great parent I was.

But I wasn't a great parent.

I wasn't.

I was just a guy

who lived with a four-year-old.

This is how I used to parent.

I used to walk around the house,

I saw my son playing with a toy,

I would be like,

"What are you playing with there?

Lego!

Sounds fun. All right."

And then his mum would take him to bed,

and I'd go,

"Good night, sweet dreams, my prince!"

I was a sh*t parent.

Well, now it's just me and him.

And so I have this four-year-old

that comes once a... every...

Every second week, I get my kid.

He comes over, I try to make it

as normal a family life as we can,

but the little c*nt

only eats four different foods.

He eats macaroni and cheese,

chicken and f***ing pizza and apples.

I try to make him eat other things,

but his mother doesn't.

It's a big argument, that's why

she lives in another f***ing house.

Anyway...

But he comes over and I try to have

family meals with him, right?

So it's just me and him

so I make him chicken,

I have to bread it,

I have to do things,

I have to make it a certain level,

and then I cut up some apples,

and then I sit there,

and then he comes

and eats dinner with me.

And I'm not gonna make

two f***ing meals,

so I'm eating f***ing chicken

and apples as well.

So we're sitting there eating a meal,

and I don't let him watch TV

while we're eating.

That's family time, so it's me and him.

But I got to be honest,

I want to watch the TV.

The conversation runs out

pretty f***ing quick.

He hasn't got a lot going on.

I go to him, "How was your day?"

And he goes, "I don't know,"

and I go, "What did you do at school?"

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