Jim Norton: Mouthful of Shame

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1

First of all,

thank you so much for doing this.

I know you're busy.

I was kind of embarrassed to ask you.

What do you need, exactly?

Because I'm--

Um, I want you to--

-You're gonna look into the camera.

-Right.

Get the audience really psyched up

to see me, a nice introduction.

Just get them really juiced

to have me coming out.

What about:
"Ladies and gentlemen,

you are in the for the night

of your lives.

This next comedian makes Jerry Seinfeld

and Chris Rock look like rubbish.

George Carlin and Richard Pryor were sh*t

compared to him.

Please welcome the greatest comedian

in the world:
Jim Norton."

Nah, it's just too much.

It's a little over the top.

-Is it?

-Yeah, too much.

-Oh.

-Kind of hard to believe all that.

Well, yeah. I was trying to big you up.

So...

Something a little bit less

pressure-inducing.

Right, okay. You don't want pressure.

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you didn't want pressure

when doing a special on Netflix

that's gonna be seen

by millions of people.

But you don't want pressure.

-It should feel honest.

-Honest?

-Honest is important.

-Okay. Honest. Yeah, honest.

What about:
"Please give it up

for the dirty, disgusting,

depraved little peeled turtle with AIDS,

the king of cum-guzzling himself,

Mr. Jim Norton."

-Too honest?

-Yeah? Sorry.

[sighs]

Hey, buddy. I've got a favor to ask you.

I'm shooting a special, and I'm looking

for someone to introduce me,

and I would love it to be you.

You'd just kind of say something nice

about me and bring me onstage.

If that would--

Look, I appreciate you doing this,

but it just doesn't seem

like you really mean any of it.

You don't believe what I just said?

Ladies and gentlemen, coming up

to the stage sometime soon,

in a little while, is Jim Norton.

-See? Right there. It's no good.

-What do you mean?

You don't sound like you mean it.

You've got to say it with conviction.

You're telling me how to deliver lines?

Your goal here is to get people

really happy and excited to see me.

I'm an actor. I'm not a f***ing magician.

You don't like the way I did that? Huh?

I didn't say I didn't like it.

Stop being so nervous.

Do it again,

you f***ing nervous little prick.

Go ahead, do it again.

-Your motivation should be--

-My motivation?

Should be--

Now say it again with conviction,

you ugly little slug.

Your motivation should be--

You dirty, nervous prick!

Jimmy, come on! You can do it!

Ladies and gentlemen,

do me a f***ing favor

and please welcome Jim Norton!

-[audience cheering and applauding]

-[rock music playing]

The world today

Is such a wicked place

Fighting going on

Between the human race...

Thank you.

Thank you very much for coming.

I really appreciate you being here.

How about that?

[audience cheering]

Robert De Niro spanked my bare ass.

I was sick the day we shot that,

and my whole fear, I was like,

"Please, don't sh*t on his hand.

Don't sh*t on his hand."

Look, I have a decent comedy career.

I'm doing stand-up over 20 years.

I'm not mainstream famous, obviously.

Kevin Hart is mainstream famous.

I have the type of fame where people

will see me, and they kind of--

Sometimes they know

they've seen me somewhere,

but they're not sure where.

It's never attractive women.

Even if they know me, they don't say it,

'cause they're not sure.

"Did I see him on stage somewhere,

or did he follow me home?"

I always have that--

"Did I see him on Louie

or in my bushes?"

But I don't know what you know

about comedians,

but there's nothing we hate more

than some random guy going,

"Dude, where do I know you from?"

The last thing I want to say is,

"I'm a comedian.

Oh, don't pick on me.

I'm gonna use you in my act, buster.

Come on, let's sit down."

It's repulsive. So, whenever someone says,

"Where do I know you from,"

I'll usually go,

"I think I sucked your dick.

You like it down to the root, right?

You like it down to the root?

Two fingers in the ass,

thumb on the balls. I know you.

Don't get mad, dude. I thought it was you.

Maybe it was your dad.

He looked like you. I apologize.

Don't get mad.

You tell me, do I look familiar?"

I feel so good.

I'm happy to be shooting in New York.

It's nice to be back home.

And I feel rested. I'm always tired.

I fell asleep last night, got eight hours,

had an amazing dream that Kim Kardashian

was sitting on my face

and just grinding.

Well, but then I woke up and realized

my nose was just stuffy.

I like a fat ass

more than a white guy is supposed to.

Black guys are supposed to like fat asses,

but I really like a big, fat ass.

But I tend to date small women.

So, it's awful when I see a big, fat ass

if I'm with a small girl,

and they're like, "That's disgusting."

Then I have to kind of sell out.

"Yeah, it's terrible.

Oh, that would feel awful,

those birthing hips.

I'd hate to hold onto those and slide in.

Ugh!

Oh, her p*ssy would probably grip you

like the mouth in Aliens.

Oh, disgusting!

How awful,

that soft flesh bouncing back against you.

I like your skeletal hips.

That's what I like, your skeletal--

Ass like a leukemia patient.

That's what turns me on.

Oh, I love it when you turn around

and go..."

[coughs]

I got into a fight recently.

I don't fight a lot.

I'm not a big guy,

so I really don't fight very much.

But I have a big mouth.

I won my fight, though.

I actually won the fight that I got into.

It was a guy.

He was a little drunk, I think.

He was in a store,

and I just overheard him,

and I couldn't help myself.

He had a fedora on.

And he's talking to the salesgirl,

and he's like, "What do you think

I should wear with this?"

And I said, "A rope."

Which is actually

very sound fashion advice.

But he grabbed my shirt.

That's why I think he was drunk.

He grabbed my shirt, and he's like,

"What did you say?"

And I was like, "I'm gonna cum."

Then he gave up immediately.

Too late, unfortunately.

Guys are so homophobic.

It's really funny to me.

We use a homophobic thing

to make each other uncomfortable,

to dominate each other

when we're growing up.

You remember ten or 11 years old,

you'd be sitting at your friend's house,

watching TV in the living room,

and then he'd just walk in out of nowhere

and start humping the side of your face?

Remember?

I still do sh*t like that.

It's still fun to f*** with your friends.

I walked into a public restroom,

and a buddy of mine was at the urinal,

and you gotta do something

when your friend's at the urinal.

You just gotta f*** with him a little bit.

He didn't hear me walk in,

so I snuck up behind him very quietly

and I stood about an inch behind him,

and then I put my mouth right behind

his neck hair, and I just went...

[deep voice]

"Hey!"

And he freaked out,

and it wasn't my friend.

Yet.

Do you know how hard that is

to explain to a stranger,

why you just spoke onto his neck?

Oh, man. I feel great.

I feel really, really good.

Life has just been good lately.

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