Jim Norton: Mouthful of Shame Page #2

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And it's so funny,

'cause you find things you like

as you get older.

I'm in my 40's now, so you find sh*t

that makes you feel good.

Like, I have a hatred

of somebody telling me a story,

and at one point in the story, you know

how they ask you to guess at part of--

It's usually because the story is sh*t,

and they think that your guess

will propel their story into interesting.

They'll say, "Guess how many?"

Then you guess the number,

and then they tell you the real number,

and you're like, "Holy sh*t!

I should've guessed--"

I've begun over-guessing on purpose

just to totally destroy the momentum

of the story.

Once you do it, you'll never not do it.

And I know I'm a piece of sh*t

for robbing little victories

from all my friends.

F*** them. Their stories are terrible.

My manager Jonathan-- I love him,

but he does this to me all the time.

He bought a watch,

and he paid 1,500 bucks for the watch.

And if he had just said, "I paid 1,500

for this watch, but it's worth 2,000,"

I would've been impressed.

I would've been like,

"Oh, cool, you saved 500 bucks."

But he tried to have,

like, a "holy sh*t" moment with it.

He's like,

"Dude, I paid 1,500 for this watch.

Guess how much it's worth."

"I don't know.

A hundred-and-thirty-thousand?"

And I'm still giddy at the memory

of that stupid f***ing smile

melting off his face.

'Cause now his real number

has no impact whatsoever.

Like, I guessed 130,000.

He can't go, "No. 2,000."

"Oh, hey,

that's a heck of a savings, too!"

F***ing shoot yourself.

Your story was terrible.

And I started doing it--

It's weird. I begun--

The joy of over-guessing,

I discovered by accident.

I was trying to do the right thing.

A friend of mine is really fat.

Wouldn't it be great

if I just left it right there?

"A friend of mine is fat"

and moved on to something else.

Like, that was just me talking to him.

"You know who you are."

A friend of mine is really fat.

He started losing weight, which was great,

but instead of just letting

somebody notice it,

he told us that he lost weight,

which was kind of awkward

'cause it wasn't really noticeable yet.

He's like, "Dude, I lost some weight."

In my mind, I'm like, "Allegedly."

I didn't see evidence of that at all.

But then he puts me on the spot.

He's like, "Guess how many pounds."

And I don't want to be a scumbag.

"Uh, point..."

So, in an effort to be nice,

I over-guessed. I was like, "50?"

He was like, "No. Six."

And I realized that by over-guessing,

I had totally robbed him of that moment

and made him feel horrible.

And it made me so f***ing happy.

I feel so good.

I don't know how to handle feeling--

I don't know how to live feeling good.

I'm so not used to it.

I go through my depression, though,

like everybody else.

I go through my feeling like sh*t.

You ever get suicidal thoughts? Anybody?

[man] Oh, yeah.

That was a very fast--

Whenever you say "suicidal thoughts,"

you never want the answer

to be that quick.

"Yes!"

Hope you're not on a first date.

That's the wrong time.

"I've wanted to kill myself

and everyone else in the theater."

Oh, good. That's--

But it's weird how sneaky it is

and how it hits you out of nowhere.

You're not prepared for it.

Things are great, then all of a sudden,

your voice, like--

"You forgot to hang yourself."

"What?"

I'm not trying to bum everybody out.

It goes away in six months.

And I don't want to kill myself,

but I've kind of come

to a peaceful conclusion,

that if I ever do decide to kill myself,

I'm gonna go out in style.

And before I do it, I want to write a note

blaming someone I hardly know.

How hilarious would that be, just to wreck

somebody's life for no reason whatsoever?

But it's got to be totally random.

Pick some guy at work

you've talked to once in eight years.

Not even a guy from your department.

Just make it, you know--

"Murray in Human Resources

will know what this is about."

And f***ing hang yourself.

For the rest of his life, Murray will be

all f***ed up and socially awkward.

"I don't know.

I said hi to the guy once in 2014."

I'm a terrible liar.

I'm a very, very bad liar.

And I wish I was better,

'cause it's hard for me

to be good in relationships.

So, the fact is,

I just give myself away when I'm lying.

I always feel like it's obvious.

Some guys are literally masters of lying.

Your girl could walk in

and catch you f***ing one of her friends.

"What are you doing?"

"She fell, baby. I was picking her up."

Just so smooth.

And I admire your ability to do that,

because I just-- my eyes get wide.

I sound like an actor from the 1940s

if I'm texting the wrong person.

"Who is that?"

"It's a buddy, see? Ahh."

F***ing throw the phone into the tub.

"Nothing to see there, chum. Ahh."

Have you ever been such a bad liar

that you try to lie

by just telling the truth

with a sarcastic inflection in your voice,

'cause it feels less like a lie?

Like, if your girlfriend knows

you cheated on her.

"Did you have sex with her?"

"Yeah!

Oh, yeah, yeah. I f***ed her twice

while you were in the hospital."

That reads pretty honest in a transcript.

My ex-girlfriend caught me.

I got busted so badly.

Has anybody ever gotten busted talking

to someone you shouldn't be?

Because it's in black-and-white--

Here's what it was.

One morning, I was having

a nasty conversation with a girl,

who I had met one time.

And that's what we do now

in the digital era.

You talk to people who you probably

wouldn't talk to before,

because you can just do it

on your cell phone.

And it was one of those three-hour,

lathered-up, f***ing filthy--

I was offering her $500 to come over

and stick her feet in my mouth.

Which, you know, obviously,

I would never do that.

Three-fifty is the cutoff

for foot worship. Everybody knows that.

But I was talking to this girl Maria.

And again, we'd never hung out.

We'd only met one time.

But it was a three-hour--

I was so finished.

I just jerked off and fell asleep.

I didn't even clean up

until the next morning.

Literally, I sounded like a Fruit Roll-Up

when I was pulling my--

[tearing sound]

This is 2011.

I remember this like it was yesterday,

'cause my girlfriend at the time walked

into the bedroom,

and she goes, "Get up, Jim."

You know how you know you're f***ed

for some--

The tone of voice implies

this is not gonna be great news.

"Get up, Jim." I'm like, "What?"

I don't know why that was my impression

of myself waking up.

"Wha--" I don't talk like that.

See, I overact, even in real life.

[mumbling]

"Wha--"

I'm like, "What?" And she says,

"I know about your f***ing conversation

with Maria last night."

And I'm a little freaked out,

but I look over,

and my phone is exactly where I left it

the night before.

I'm like, "I don't know

what you're talking about."

She's like, "$500 to lick her feet,

you piece of sh*t?"

So, now I know she knows.

Either that or she's an amazing guesser.

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