Jim Norton: Mouthful of Shame Page #8

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So, your parents f***ed missionary,

you're married.

Great. I'm ruining a lot of lives tonight.

Now, was this before your husband,

or is this how you met him?

[nervously] After.

[crowd] Whoa!

After. Hmm.

I f***ing love that.

"Who are you talking to?"

"It's a buddy, see? Ahh."

I am on Tinder.

And I'm sure most of you know what it is.

You upload photos,

you swipe "like" or "nope,"

and if you have a match,

you can talk to that person.

And before you do it, you have to set

the parameters you want to search,

the distance.

I live here in New York, in Midtown,

so I set it to search a three-mile radius.

And you gotta set the age range.

I'm in my 40s, so I set it for 18.

That's as far left as it would go.

Heh heh heh.

I actually called Tinder to complain.

"There's something wrong with your app,

goddamn it. It keeps getting stuck on 18.

Oh, legal stuff. No, I'm just getting--

Norton, yeah."

It's very addicting. We always say,

"Oh, there's nobody single,"

but you realize

when you get on an app like that,

there are so many beautiful single women.

I was swiping for hours. Like, like, like.

I didn't swipe "nope" on any--

I didn't give a sh*t what you looked like.

A little, teeny Zika virus.

F*** it. Like.

Shotgun wound to the face.

F*** it. I'll play with her nipples

till the ambulance gets there. Like.

I heard somebody groan at that.

It's okay to laugh.

It's not a real scenario.

You think that really happened?

A woman got shot in the face

with a shotgun

and had the wherewithal to snap a selfie?

And then I happened to go,

"Hey, what are you up to?"

"Bleeding to death in the hallway."

"Well, how about I tweak those nips

till help arrives?"

But I was on for three days,

swiping for hours,

getting no responses,

and that's a gut-punch

to your self-esteem.

I'm like,

"I'm a worthless piece of sh*t."

But then I'm like, "No, maybe I just

didn't put broad enough options."

I only set it for three square miles.

Midtown New York--

what is that, 1.8 million people?

So, I kind of opened up my search options.

Maximum age, maximum distance.

I pretty much set it for,

if you have a p*ssy in North America,

or hope to someday...

I finally got a Tinder match,

and I'm actually going to read

the interaction to you.

I was talking to this girl.

It was going really, really well.

Talking to her for five days,

back and forth, every day.

"Hey, good morning. How are you?"

On the fifth day, I finally said to her,

"I'm really enjoying speaking to you.

I'd love to talk on the phone.

Can I have your number?"

Nothing. No response.

Absolutely ghosted me.

So, four days later, I write back,

"I guess that's a no. LOL."

You know.

Laughing out loud,

just to keep it good-natured and fun.

She responds,

"To be perfectly honest,

I googled you."

I don't know what your lives are like,

but when you're Jim Norton,

that's the last thing you want to read.

"I googled you."

"Cosby Hitler" has better Google results

than "Jim Norton."

"I googled you and was watching

a video of you talking

about sending photos of your penis

to a girl.

I didn't know if it was a good idea

to give you my number.

So sorry. Just trying to be honest."

[groans]

I felt awful. I had no idea what to write.

I just wrote back, "C*nt.

LOL."

Thank you guys very much.

You were amazing.

I appreciate you being here.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you guys very much for coming out.

[music playing]

The world today

Is such a wicked place

Fighting going on

Between the human race...

What should I do?

Left hand now, like this?

Yeah, really give it to me.

Okay. Say it with conviction,

you ugly slug.

And then I start--

Then I slap you again. I'm all right.

-Okay, so, the left one.

-Yeah.

And then slap. Then, "Say it

with conviction, you ugly slug,"

-and then again.

-Yeah.

Ay-ay-ay. Okay.

All right, do it--

...they say is very high

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