Jimmy Carr: Funny Business

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Wow!

Good evening, London.

You well?

-Yes!, Fabulous.

You are in very safe hands this evening.

I've been doing comedy now for, uh...

money and sex.

It's going very well.

I live in North London now,

and a guy came up to me

in the high street near where I live.

He was all excited.

He went...

"I didn't recognise you!"

I said, "Yeah, you did."

I should really have explained

when I walked on, as well,

I look like this because my dad is Irish

and my mum is Roger Federer.

Speaking of looks,

we were watching

proper BBC News the other day

and Liz Hurley came on the news.

Not like that, obviously.

Ah...

But she was on the news.

She was promoting some new

TV show, and they did this thing.

They would only get away

with doing this on the news.

They put her age after her name.

So, it said,

"Liz Hurley, 50."

And my girlfriend turned to me and went,

"I hope I look that good when I'm 50."

I said, "You don't look that good now.

What do you think's gonna happen?

You're gonna get to 49 and invent

a time machine, are you? Best of luck."

Liz Hurley's a good-looking woman.

-You'd agree with that, wouldn't you?

Yeah, I mean,

I don't wanna be crude...

Well, I do wanna be crude,

but not till later on.

I'll ease it in.

It's a gift. Um...

Liz Hurley's a good-looking woman.

Put it this way,

I would ride her like a stolen bike.

You look as if you may require

further clarification there, sir.

What I'm saying is,

I would crawl over broken glass

to suck the cock

of the last man that f***ed her.

We're all clear, we're all clear.

We're all caught up.

Ladies spend ages

getting ready for a night out.

Not all of them, obviously.

No, you were probably in a hurry.

Don't feel bad.

I was just randomly pointing down

to whoever's sat there.

So, that's... That is nothing

more than a happy coincidence.

Well, you're laughing,

but the eyes are f***ing daggers.

I'm in all kinds of trouble.

My girlfriend spends ages

getting ready for a night out.

I'm not sure

what she's getting ready for.

Disappointment is my best guess.

Nando's and a movie.

That's our classic date night.

And I love the cinema.

Don't get me wrong. Love the cinema.

My only issue with the cinema,

it's only a little thing,

but I get annoyed by the popcorn.

I think the popcorn in a cinema should

have a very clear warning label on it,

saying, "May contain nuts."

Because if you're with me,

it might.

"I know you said you wanted salty. Wait."

Because I've cut a hole

in the bottom of the container.

And I've sort of placed it there.

And I've shoved my genitals

through the hole.

And then when the lady I'm with

has reached in to get popcorn,

innocently enough,

she's touched my genitals,

and that's caused me to ejaculate.

And it's that ejaculate that's caused

the salty flavour you're so familiar with.

I'm happy to explain any

and all of these as we go through.

It's clearly a mixed-ability group.

Horror films.

Anyone else like horror films?

Yes!

I like watching horror films

hiding behind the sofa,

'cause that way,

my neighbours don't know I'm there.

I like those black-and-white films

where no one says anything.

Interracial porn.

Don't panic.

I've checked, and that one's fine.

Flooding.

We had pretty bad flooding last year.

I saw a woman on the news,

in her flooded front room, crying.

I thought...

"Crying's not helping.

If anything,

you're making matters worse, luv."

See, the flooding was pretty serious.

We knew the flooding was serious

'cause it happened in London.

That's when you know it's serious.

It's not as bad when it happens

in the West Country, is it?

Chance for them to get some use

out of those webbed fingers.

Oh, sorry, we're taping this this evening

for Netflix, so I should explain.

The West Country, sort of Louisiana.

There you go.

I'll translate as we go along.

Is there anyone in

from the West Country?

Yes!

Sorry, I didn't mean to ruin

your romantic night out with your sister.

I was just making a joke.

Having a bit of fun. Having fun.

Last time we had a white Christmas,

I made snow angels.

I skidded on some ice

and took out three pedestrians.

I recently wrote a book

about poltergeists.

And I'm pleased to say

it is flying off the shelves.

Proper f***ing jokes in this show.

My friend said to me,

"What rhymes with orange?"

I said, "No, it doesn't."

How do they get

all those drugs into our jails?

I guess they're smuggled in

by some a**hole.

I've only given you a joke.

You've just given me a look as if to say,

"Yeah, so we do that.

What's your f***ing problem?"

What do you do for a living, sir?

Have a little think.

I mean...

I'm not busy.

Relax.

You're an accountant?

Where were you

when I f***ing needed you, mate?

-Eh?

No good showing up now.

No good showing up now.

If you're watching this on Netflix

in America, don't Google that.

-I'm a good guy.

Shh!

What a lot of comedians do on stage,

is they bullshit the audience.

They'll tell an audience

they've recently broken up with a girl.

It's bullshit.

The reason they do it

is to elicit sympathy

from attractive female audience

members, so then after the show,

they've got that sympathy in

when they're chatting to them at the bar.

They can try and sort of chat 'em up,

try and pick 'em up,

ultimately, try and shag them.

Rest assured,

I would never do that

because I think it would be disrespectful

to the memory of my wife.

I just need to be held.

Have we got any Christians in?

Is anyone here a Christian?

Whoo!

Christian there?

What's your name, sir?

Andreas.

Andreas?

Well, very nice to have you in.

An offer just for you, Andreas.

Would you be interested, Andreas,

in buying some magic beans?

I'm only asking you, Andreas,

'cause you are f***ing gullible.

I'm sure Andreas won't mind me

sharing that with the group.

You know you are.

You believe the story

of a 14-year-old girl

who finds herself pregnant.

And when asked about the pregnancy,

as well she might be,

she goes,

"This? Not what you think.

I was raped by a ghost."

Really, Andreas?

Fast-forward 2,000 years.

Jeremy Kyle,

would you believe her then?

Would you?

F***!

I mean, you'd watch it,

but you'd watch it thinking,

"Joseph, mug. Mary, slag."

Daily Mail

"Immigrant Teen Mum Benefits Cheat

Living in Luxury Shed."

"Have you declared that gold,

frankincense and myrrh?"

Andreas, you don't look annoyed.

You all right?

-Yeah.

-You're fine. Of course you are.

I got a guy annoyed

with that the other week.

I did that bit of material,

and there was a guy down the front,

a middle-class guy,

I got him really annoyed.

You can tell when you've

annoyed someone middle class

'cause they get a bit bobbly-headed.

He had a point to make,

and it was rattling around in his head.

I said, "What's your point?"

He said, "I notice you make those jokes

about Jesus and the Christians,

but would you say that about Muhammad

or the Islamic faith, I wonder?"

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