Jimmy Carr: Funny Business Page #2

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I said, "It's a very good point.

Well made.

Have you thought about

blowing something up?

No one's scared of you."

Seriously, what are you gonna do, Andreas?

Forgive me?

I try not to censor myself on stage.

I should say that early on.

You know,

if I think something's funny,

I think you might think

it was funny as well,

and then we'd all have a laugh,

release some endorphins,

and the world would be

a very slightly better place, yeah?

And if anyone's offended,

eh, f*** 'em!

But I wrote a joke recently

that I worry about telling.

I wrote a joke about

the negative stereotypes

that still prevail in our society

concerning women.

And I worry about telling that joke,

because I worry,

"Well, if I were to tell that joke

and it were to be misconstrued

as genuine misogyny,

it could really light the fuse

on some b*tch's tampon.

I would feel awful.

I'm not sexist.

I've got nothing but respect

for every woman I've ever slung one up.

Pride and Prejudice.

Spoiler alert, in the end,

Mr Darcy slings one up her.

It's very good.

Oh, here's an interesting fact.

The most common superstition in Britain

today is a belief in horoscopes.

And there's a name for people

that believe in horoscopes.

They're called single women.

Are there any single ladies in?

Shout, single ladies!

Whoo!

Who's the single lady down there,

give us your... What's your name?

-Laura.

-Laura?

What's your date of birth?

What month?

-February.

-What star sign is that?

Pisces.

So February,

and what's the exact date?

Twenty-sixth.

The 26th?

It's just, you die alone.

Normally, this is a really

upbeat bit of the show.

Nine times out of ten,

Mr Right is just around the corner, but...

Well, not alone-alone.

A cat eats your face.

But it's not great news, is it?

It's not...

I really hope this hasn't ruined

your last night out.

So, we should find out more.

What do you do?

I'm a student.

You're a student.

And what are you studying?

-Engineering.

-Engineering?

-Where are you from?

-China.

From China?

I'm f***ing big in China.

Well done, me.

Are you living here, or you're just...

You're visiting?

And you decided,

"I'll tell you who I want to see.

That fella."

You've made a terrible decision.

This is filth.

You definitely didn't Google me in China.

I'll tell you that for nothing.

There's no way

I made it past that firewall.

-Um...

Tremendous!

Some people think it's good luck

if a bird shits on them.

And they're called German porn stars.

If you don't get it, Google it.

I find most young women

make a lot of noise in the bedroom.

I guess they're not expecting

to see anyone at their window.

Now, my job is writing jokes.

All I've got to do for a living

is write jokes.

Pretty easy job to have. Now, sometimes,

I don't even have to do that.

Sometimes, you just overhear people

saying something, and you think,

"Well, I can just tell people

what I overheard, and that's enough.

Just report speech.

That'll do."

I had this happen recently.

I was in a supermarket car park.

You couldn't find

a more boring place to be.

Just walking back to my car with a coffee.

I overheard these two men

having a conversation.

It was clearly gonna be a fight,

but it wasn't a fight yet.

So as I walked by,

I just heard a snippet of conversation.

That is all I needed.

I'll tell you what one man

said to another man,

we'll all have a laugh,

and we'll move on with our lives.

I heard one man say to another,

"You can't park in a disabled bay,

you spastic!"

Shut the front door!

"You can't park in a disabled bay,

you spastic"?

How could you be that right

and that wrong that quickly?

It's remarkable!

Of course, political correctness

has changed the world.

I don't mind tackling the tough topics.

Here's my view on immigration.

I sort of think these Bulgarians

and these Romanians,

they come over here,

taking our Polish people's jobs.

People that adhere

to political correctness are,

in my opinion, retarded faggots.

I can see some of you

sitting in judgement, thinking,

"'Retarded faggots.'

That is an offensive phrase."

But it's not that offensive a phrase.

Not when you compare it

to my impersonation of...

a retarded f*ggot.

"I want a cock in me.

I'm a really good bummer."

That's offensive.

Compared to that,

phrase doesn't seem as bad now, does it?

I've been described, London,

as a sex symbol.

And that symbol is a question mark.

Followed by a "no".

I've had sex

with a lot of different woman.

The first time I had sex,

I wanted it to be special.

Well, not special-special,

but consensual.

I actually didn't lose my virginity

until I was in my 20s,

and, really, the reason was being fussy.

Most women are really... fussy.

And what made it worse was my best friend

lost his virginity in year 11,

which would have been pretty cool,

but he was home-schooled.

It's not as bad as you think.

Fit mum.

It could've been worse.

It could've been ugly dad.

Cheer up, everyone.

Well, look, I've got the easiest job here.

I just tell jokes.

It doesn't get any easier

than telling jokes.

Let's find out what other people do.

Do we have any nurses in?

Is anyone a nurse?

-A few nurses?

You've got your hand up there.

What kind of a nurse are you?

-You talk to them over the phone?

-Yeah.

-Are you sure...

If you're... If people think

you're dressed as a nurse,

and you're chatting to them

on the phone, I think... I'm not sure...

"You're feeling very stiff,

are you? I see.

I think I can help."

Any other nurses?

What else we got?

Geriatric? Can't go wrong

with geriatric, can you?

If you give 'em too much of something,

and then, "Oh, he's dead."

No one's doing an autopsy

on a 91-year-old.

F*** it, you're fine.

Any others?

Intensive care!

Intensive care?

That's interesting.

So the other nurses...

Do you care about your patients?

You care? Do you care about your patients?

Do you?

Little bit.

Not like she f***ing cares.

Intensively.

"Hope they make it."

Any others?

What else we got?

Paediatric!

Student!

Sorry, student?

We should get together

and have a chat after the show

'cause I'm also not a nurse.

-What, sorry?

Sorry, did you just say dental?

A dental nurse?

Well, I think we can all agree,

that doesn't count.

-Definitely doesn't count. No way.

Are you joking?

Let me ask you, sir.

I don't know what you do for a living.

If I gave you

a disgusting pink fluid to drink,

and there was a sink there,

and I said, "Rinse",

-would you be able to...

...work out where to spit it?

You would?

We don't need you!

We don't need you.

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer

in her pocket and thinks,

"Some a**hole's got my pen."

Social networking sites.

Are you all

on the social networking sites?

Yeah!

They're bloody good, aren't they?

They help people to meet people.

That's what they do brilliantly.

I've got a friend of mine,

gay friend of mine,

joined Grindr a couple of weeks ago,

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