Jimmy Carr: Funny Business Page #3

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and his social life

has been such a whirlwind,

he's hardly been able to sit down.

That's a joke about

super-aggressive anal sex.

You got that?

Well, that is to your credit.

Lesbians get a lot out of Internet dating.

I'll explain.

We've all got pretty good gaydar

these days, haven't we?

We're all familiar with gaydar,

the term, yes?

Yeah, yes.

So gaydar is the voice in your head that,

when you meet a gay guy, goes,

"Oh, a gay guy."

If you say out loud,

"Bummer on the loose!

Bummer on the loose!"

That is homophobia.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Yeah, I just said that.

Deal with it.

But with lesbians, the gaydar certainly

needs to be more finely tuned, doesn't it?

For the lesbians,

it needs to be more finely tuned.

But, yeah, sometimes, it's very difficult

to know whether a woman is a lesbian

or just a regular girl

in a very bad mood.

And if you're a lesbian,

and you didn't find that funny,

well, you've proved my point for me.

Are there any lesbians in?

Does anyone favour the flatter shoe?

Any lady golfers?

Is anyone here "allergic to nuts"?

Would any of the women in here

describe themselves as crack addicts?

Or vagitarian?

Seriously, are there any lesbians in?

Well, you're definitely

one of the butcher ones, aren't ya?

Maybe there are none in.

That would be a very weird thing.

Maybe no one's full-time.

Gay dudes pretty much

go full-time, don't they?

You meet very few bisexual men.

I've met, like, a handful in my life.

Of bisexual men.

They're like f***ing unicorns.

Men make a decision about d*cks early on.

Either, "This one's good.

The rest can f*** off."

Or, "These are all delicious!"

It's one or the other forever.

Whereas, with the lesbians,

it could be a mood thing, can't it?

It could be a mood thing.

"Spaghetti" is, I believe, the term.

Straight until wet.

If you're not laughing, you're learning.

And that's great, too. Great to learn.

We had a lovely

lesbian couple in recently.

They were sitting

sort of front and centre.

And I got chatting to them.

And, you know,

as well I might, I said,

"Girls, what would it take

to get you back on solids?"

And one of the girls, quick as a flash,

went, "12 inches."

I said,

"Well, I could give you 12 inches...

in three instalments."

Of course, the big question,

at the moment, globally, is

"Should gay men

be allowed to get married?"

And I'm a liberal. I say yes,

as long as they find the right woman.

I could have been gay.

I failed the oral.

Don't neglect the balls.

There's a lesson.

There is one sexual grouping

that annoys me in society, one grouping.

And it's actually heterosexual men.

It's only been the last couple of years.

8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown.

As a result of doing that show,

I'm now associated with Rachel Riley.

-And as a result of that...

Well, this is the problem.

I'll be on trains, in bars, hotels,

wherever I happen to be.

Men will come up to me.

They won't even say hello to me.

They'll just come up to me and go,

"Rachel Riley. I'd give her one!"

"Well, she'll be thrilled.

How can we get in touch?"

I mean, I get it.

Rachel Riley is a very attractive woman.

If she was my daughter,

I'd still be bathing her.

True story. Um...

But let's be realistic.

I'm 43 years of age.

Rachel Riley is 28.

I look at her and think,

"Aw, if only you were ten years younger."

The thing that's annoying

about straight men, as well,

it's all about surface.

Just about looks and nothing else.

It's never about her mind.

And her mind is the extraordinary thing.

She's so clever. She's like a walking,

talking Stephen Hawking.

She's brainier than

Kurt Cobain's garage ceiling.

Too soon?

F*** him.

He was always shooting his mouth off.

I think everyone's here.

Is there an empty seat there

in the middle?

You haven't been stood up for a date,

have you, madam?

-No.

-No?

-It's her carer.

-It's her carer?

Someone's not getting laid tonight,

but totally worth it, sir. Well played.

-100% worth it.

Good on you.

I had great latecomers the other week.

So, I think everyone's here,

but I had great latecomers the other week.

So I was playing this venue,

and it had a wooden floor.

And this couple walked in about,

you know, half an hour into the show.

They walked in, and the lady

had really clumpy shoes on.

So as she walked in,

it was, like, the loudest thing

you've ever heard, as she walked in.

And it really pulled focus,

and they sat sort of front and centre.

And so, I thought,

"Well, I'd better say hello."

I said, "Well, how come

you guys are late?"

And the guy said,

really aggressively, he said,

"She's pregnant."

Immediately, I'm on the back foot.

I went, "Right. When's it due?"

And he went,

"About nine months."

F***ing legend!

Now some of you sent me

text messages during the evening,

and thank you very much.

And some of you sent me text messages,

and f*** you very much.

I'll show you what I mean.

First one in.

"Jimmy, are you disappointed that

instead of being hung like a donkey,

you laugh like one?"

I really wish I didn't laugh at that.

Especially like that.

"What's the difference between

three c*cks and a joke?

Your mum can't take a joke."

"Can you stop dissing my dad?

Thanks, Jesus."

Is that Andreas?

Have you got an emoji

of a church on your phone?

Tragic.

"Went to my daughter's

netball finals the other day!

What a semi!"

"Hey, Jimmy.

It's mine and my boyfriend's one year.

Threesome?"

Well, whose one-year anniversary is it?

Where are you?

Hello, how are you?

Can I just have a look?

Nah, I'll be all right, thanks.

"What is your stance on midget porn?"

Like a deep lunge.

Sorry, sir, we made eye contact.

I really feel like

we're in this together now, mate.

That's tough on the hamstrings.

"Please, can you take

the piss out of my fiance?

She's five months pregnant and ginger."

Where's the ginger pregnant lady?

Where are you?

I'm not gonna take the piss.

I'll say to you what I say to all

ginger women I meet who are pregnant.

Well done!

Well done.

You tricked someone into f***ing that!

"I became a proud dad today.

My son is actually four,

but he was a boring little c*nt

for the first three years."

There's a ring of truth there,

isn't there?

"He doesn't do much.

He can't even kick a f***ing ball."

"Hi, Jimmy. What would you do

to make a wedding day stand out

and be even more special?"

Leave her at the aisle.

Who's getting married?

Who sent me that? Who's...

You two are getting married?

You are... I mean,

I don't want to be rude to you, sir.

You seem like a lovely fella,

but you are punching

way above your weight.

That's unbelievable.

How have you done that?

Has she got low self-esteem

or have you got money?

What's going on?

You can't see it, but this is...

I mean, they're like different species.

This is...

Well played, man, well played.

Well, madam,

I've got a tip for you.

Or if you like,

I could put the whole thing in.

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