Jimmy Carr: Funny Business Page #4

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She said yes, yeah?

She hasn't said much so far.

You're 100% sure

she's gonna marry you?

She's wearing the ring.

She's wearing the ring?

Yeah, 'cause girls hate jewellery.

I remember now.

F***ing terrific.

Well played.

Go on, what else have we got?

"My son was thrown out of school today

for letting a girl in his class

wank him off.

I said,

'Son, that's three schools this year.

Maybe teaching isn't for you.'"

"Hey, Jimmy, what would be your advice

for finding my friend David a girlfriend?

Thanks."

Right, where's David?

Hey, David.

How are you, mate?

I'm good.

And you're looking for...

How long have you been single?

-Too long.

-Too long?

Not to worry.

Do you like engineering students?

Of course you f***ing do.

What do you think?

You don't... Sorry.

"I don't live in this country"?

Sir, do you remember earlier

when she was a student in this country,

studying engineering?

She's giving all that up...

not to be with you,

but to make sure it doesn't happen.

That is a...

What do you do?

-I work in a gym.

-You work in a gym?

Okay. And do you...

Do you know that you're gay yet, or not?

'Cause I know this can be a tough way

to find out, but I've got the super...

I've got, like, the deluxe gaydar,

and it turns out

what you like is not that.

You work in a gym, do ya?

Hmm...

Are you muscly?

Why am I seducing a man now?

This doesn't seem...

I'm gonna try and sleep with him

just to prove a point. Come on.

Did any other single ladies

see him and like the idea?

-Whoo!

-You... I, well...

That sounded like...

I mean, I've also got "slagdar".

That...

I mean, it might not be a relationship,

but that will f*** you in half.

What else we got?

"Jimmy, I went to the gym last week,

and I noticed a hole in my trainer

big enough to put my finger in.

Anyway, she made a formal complaint,

and I'm banned for life."

It's a shame that wasn't

a "he made a formal complaint."

That would've been perfect.

"What's the difference between

a lentil and a chickpea?"

I don't know, what is the difference

between a lentil and a chickpea?

"I wouldn't pay 200

to have a lentil on my face."

The Lego Movie."

"Don't let them take the piss

out of your clothes, Jimmy.

That's the best material you've got."

So mean.

Quite enough of that.

Thanks for those.

My girlfriend gets annoyed

by my loud chewing,

but I don't complain about

the pubes in my teeth.

It's a joke!

My girlfriend hasn't got pubes.

Yet.

If you only laughed when I said "yet",

you're a bad person.

There's something you can get, gentlemen,

if you have, or you perceive

that you have, a small penis.

It's called an Audi convertible.

Have you got an Audi convertible?

She just gave you a look

like something in the joke related to you.

You're saying

it definitely wasn't the car.

Okay...

-What do you do for a living, sir?

-I'm an osteopath.

An osteopath. Okay. I mean,

just say masseuse if you mean masseuse.

Tired businessman away from home.

Full of questions.

Curious as to what an osteopath might do.

And what about you, the other half?

What do you do?

-I'm his sister.

-You're his sister?

Um, well, I don't approve.

You're not the other half.

You're his sister. Okay.

And you guys, you're just out

on a Saturday night... on a date.

This is the worst Tinder has ever got it.

It's my birthday present.

This is your birthday present?

Well, I...

Well, happy birthday.

I can't ask your age 'cause you're a lady,

but, um, how much do you weigh?

Go on, what, what...

Is it a big birthday?

-Is it a big birthday, small birthday?

-Twenty-three.

Twenty-three?

You're so young.

Well, look,

why don't we make it special?

After the show, come backstage,

and I'll finger blast you.

It's a joke.

I'll f*** her.

All the teachers at my school

were really strict.

I remember every Monday morning,

I had to give the deputy head.

Now, I keep on getting asked, "Why aren't

there more female stand-up comedians?"

It should be 50-50, right?

'Cause the population is 50-50.

Men and women laugh

at the same things.

We think of the same

funny things to say in life.

So it should be 50-50,

the sort of proportion

of comedians on stage.

But it isn't.

And I was wondering why.

I think it's 'cause women have

an ability that men don't possess.

Women have the ability

to think of something funny to say,

and then not say it.

Because it might "hurt someone's

feelings" or be inappropriate.

Well, men don't really have that gear.

What we've got is probably best

described as Joke Tourette's.

If we think something might be funny,

we are f***ing saying it.

Not later on,

when everyone's calmed down.

Right f***ing now.

We could be at your mum's funeral.

"All right, luv,

she's not the only thing that's stiff.

Well, nothing ventured.

She was already in a terrible mood.

Lovely spread, she's got a face on.

There's no pleasing some people."

My Joke Tourette's occasionally

gets me into, like, proper trouble.

Have we got any police in?

Any police officers?

-Whoo!

-Oh, there's one over there?

Look, I got stopped speeding.

Not the worst thing I've done.

Face facts.

So I got pulled over for speeding, right?

And the police officer came round

to the window of the car

and did the usual thing of going,

"Do you know how fast you were going?"

I said, "I'm sorry, Officer.

Clearly too fast. I'm so sorry."

Couldn't have been nicer and more

middle class about the whole thing.

And he went,

"Eighty-eight miles an hour!"

And I said, "I was trying

to get back to 1955."

Three f***ing points on my licence.

Would you have let me off?

-No!

-No?

What, you think 88's too fast

to be doing in a 30 zone during the day?

In my defence,

I was f***ing hammered.

I hate oversleeping,

waking up and suddenly realising,

"Ah! I'm in the wrong lane!"

Must be tough being an air hostess.

Their ears must pop all the time,

what with sucking

the pilot's cock so hard.

Joking. I'm sure they get used to it.

PC thinks it's helping,

but I'm not sure political correctness

really changes anything.

Because of political correctness,

you're not meant to say

"air hostess" any more, are you?

You're meant to say,

if it's a woman, "sky waitress",

and if it's a man, "homosexual".

Doesn't really change anything.

I joke a lot about sexism and misogyny,

just because I view them as ridiculous,

sort of, risible things in our society.

But when you hear a story about

someone being actually sexist,

it blows your mind

that people could be that ignorant.

I heard a story recently.

I was flying to New York,

and I got chatting to the flight crew.

They told me what had happened

the week before. I'll tell you the story.

So, you know when the pilot does

the little Tannoy announcement

at the beginning of a flight?

He does the little,

"Hello, I'm your captain, Jonathan,

and we're flying at 38,000 feet

to New York today."

And you're sitting there,

flicking through a magazine, thinking,

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