Jimmy Carr: Funny Business Page #5

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"Couldn't give a f*** who you are.

And I know where we're going.

It says it on the ticket."

You don't get that anywhere else, do you?

You don't get that in the back of a taxi.

"Hello, my name's Eric,

and we're going to your house."

"Wind your neck in, Eric.

Drive the car."

So, on this occasion,

it happened to be a female pilot.

So it was,

"Hello, my name's Sharla,

I'm your pilot today, and we're flying

at 38,000 feet to New York."

And this guy on the flight

undid his seat belt, got up,

got his hand luggage

down from the overhead,

and started walking down the aisle.

So the cabin crew are having

a little hissy fit.

They said, "Sir, you've got to sit down.

We're about to take off."

He said, "No, I'm getting off."

They said, "What's the problem?"

He said, "Woman driver."

What a f***ing lunatic!

It's not as if

she had to reverse it into New York.

I don't know about you, London,

but I get terrified flying

at the best of times.

'Cause you never know

how reliable or durable

the condom in your stomach is gonna be.

Do you all listen to

the safety announcement when you fly?

-No!

-You've got to!

Otherwise, you're not gonna know

where your whistle is

when a maniac blows you

out of the f***ing sky.

"Take that, ISIS!"

For all the f***ing good it does,

the crash position might as well be that.

"Hope we don't die."

Doesn't matter.

I mean, the bad news is,

when a 747 crashes or blows up,

everyone dies.

The good news is you don't have

to listen to the safety announcement.

There's really no point.

You're never in a bar the night after

a plane crash, with a friend, going,

"It's awful, isn't it?

Did you read about that?

Three-hundred people.

What a terrible thing.

What an awful way to go.

How shocking."

Someone at the bar never goes,

"Plane crash? Couldn't help but overhear.

Yeah, I was in one of those.

Nah, I was fine. Thank you.

Well, no, 'cause I was sat like that.

So the fireball went round me.

The guy next to me, though?

Decapitated.

It's his own fault, really.

He had the tray table down.

What was he hoping for?

No, no, at 3,000 miles from land.

Right in the middle of the Pacific, yeah.

No, they found me straight away,

about ten minutes.

How?"

Has anyone ever made

the right amount of pasta?

That's my little toe in the water

of observational comedy.

I'm not really sure if it's for me.

Obviously, if I was any good

at observational comedy, you know,

I'd probably get

five minutes of fun out of that.

You're on your own.

Is anyone here gluten-free?

You're gluten-free? Fun fact for you.

It is possible to be gluten-free

and shut the f*** up.

No one cares.

I don't like spending too much

time with my girlfriend's family

because her husband is getting suspicious.

My girlfriend was in the park doing

one of those "race for life" things.

When I say "race for life",

she was fleeing a rapist.

It's how we met.

I tend not to get heckled

that much any more.

I used to get heckled a lot.

-I kind of--

That was properly Tourette's-y.

Well played.

People with Tourette's,

what makes them tick?

But genuinely, I like it when

people join in at shows.

I got the best heckle

of my career last year,

at someone else's show.

I went to see another comedian

up in Edinburgh, my friend Nick Helm,

and I got heckled at his show.

That is not what should happen.

That is what happened.

And I was sat at the back.

It's about 200 people in the room.

I was sat at the back,

trying to stifle my laugh.

I've got a weird laugh.

I laugh on an in, not an out.

So instead of going "ha, ha",

like a normal human might, I go...

It's weird, right?

It's a weird,

honking goose of a laugh.

But if I know I'm gonna be laughing,

and I knew I was gonna be

laughing at my friend's show.

So I was sat at the back,

and I was kind of repressing my laugh.

I was... Closed mouth, and sort of

keeping it locked down. I was...

It sounded like someone

had smuggled in an owl.

But there I was for the first 20 minutes,

just sat at the back very quietly...

About 20 minutes into the show,

he did a song on stage,

and I found it hilarious.

I had a proper, full-on laughing fit.

Like proper...

It sounded f***ing mental.

It sounded like a seal getting

finger-blasted, is what it sounded like.

And Nick just stopped the show...

and went, "All right, Jimmy?

I don't laugh when

I come to see your shows."

Well, with that in mind, why don't we

have a proper heckle amnesty.

If you would like to have a heckle,

this would be the ideal time.

-Not--

-Wanker!

You look like you f***ed a pig!

I look like I f***ed a pig?

Do I still owe your mum money?

Is she annoyed, is she?

There you go.

Sorry, ma'am,

I haven't got any coins on me.

-My partner thinks you're too crude.

-Your partner thinks I'm too crude?

So she's been brought along

to the show and it's not really for her?

Are you going to make it up to her

somehow later on?

Yeah.

Maybe pop a thumb in her ass

while you're f***ing her?

Madam, you can't sink down

any lower in that seat.

That is as low...

That's as low as that...

When does the comedy start?

When does the comedy start?

-It's a classic.

It's a classic heckle, right?

What's your name, sir?

Rack!

Like shoe rack?

You're called Rack?

Where are you, Rack,

up there or down there?

Loving your work, Rack.

It's one of those things.

If you don't think

the comedy's started, you're right.

And if you think

the comedy has started, you're right.

'Cause it's a very individual thing,

isn't it?

And if the show's not for you,

it's not for you.

I feel bad if you paid all this

money to come and see me,

and you don't think it's funny.

You've had a disaster.

But I suppose, Rack,

you have learnt a valuable lesson.

You've learned life's not fair.

You pays your money,

you takes your chance,

sometimes it's a good show,

sometimes it's not for you.

But I'll give you another example, Rack,

so you haven't had a wasted evening.

At least you've learned something.

Another example of how unfair,

Rack, our society is.

Let's say, if a man...

You or I, sir, let's say, if a man sleeps

with loads and loads of women.

What is he? He's a stud, he's a player,

he's admired in our society.

That isn't an opinion,

that's fact.

If a guy sleeps with loads of women,

he's a player, he's a stud, he's admired.

But if a woman sleeps with

loads and loads of men,

she's called Rack's mum.

I'm fairly...

It's all right for me to say that 'cause

Rack's mum's not gonna be here, is she?

Saturday night?

You're having a laugh.

It's her busiest evening.

She does a special two for one.

This sort of stage on a Saturday night,

I imagine Rack's mum looks

like a plasterer's radio.

What was that, Rack?

Your face

is like a 42-inch widescreen TV!

My face is like

a 42-inch widescreen... TV?

In that...

-It's very wide!

-It's very wide?

Okay.

Um, I've just...

I've just said that

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