Jimmy Carr: Funny Business Page #6

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your mum's a prostitute.

And...

And you just said,

"Your face is wide."

I don't...

Rack, I don't... I'm not sure

if you know how this works.

I'll tell you why it's wide as well.

All that, it's... It...

Aw, bless him. Um...

Any other heckles?

Should we do one more?

How about a heckle not involving

mothers, girlfriends, or sex?

A heckle not involving

girlfriends, mothers, or sex.

Well, where are you from, sir?

Let's do one.

Canada!

You're from Canada?

So you're an American,

but you're not armed.

Ah...

Aw, well, Canadians are always...

Whenever I meet a Canadian,

they always explain to me,

"No, I'm not an American."

I get the same thing with New Zealand

and Australian people, they sort of go,

"No, I'm not Australian.

I'm actually from New Zealand."

I think they're mistaking me

for someone who gives a f***.

Are there any Australians in?

Well, welcome back.

You've paid your debt,

you've returned to the scene of the crime.

Someone over there.

Hello.

Who the f*** is that?

Hello, who?

The

Shining?

Steadicam, I love... F***ing hell.

Look how my ego's gotten out of control.

Who... Are you filming him?

I mean, I don't want

to be a dick about it,

but I feel like

the action's really up here.

You're just filming a fat dude

in the second row. Okay, fine.

Oh!

What do you mean, "Oh"?

He's got a mirror in his house.

He f***ing knows.

He's all right.

-So...

-Oi, you posh twat!

Oh!

Well, a fun fact for you.

Your girlfriend's got two c*nts.

She's sat next to one of them, isn't she?

I'm sorry.

I called you a c*nt there.

I'm terribly sorry.

I'm sure you don't have the depth

or the capacity to give pleasure.

I went to a proper showbiz party recently,

and Brad Pitt was there.

And they say,

"Never meet your heroes",

but I think Brad handled it really well.

A lot of people think

cooking your partner a meal

is the most romantic

gesture you could make.

The least romantic gesture,

if you're interested, is this.

On my birthday...

I'm a very lucky man.

On my birthday, my girlfriend

likes to wake me up with oral sex.

Last year, I nearly suffocated.

No, last year, on my birthday,

my girlfriend gave me the bumps,

or as they're more commonly known,

genital warts.

You can tell a lot about a woman

from looking at her shoes.

For example, if they're

behind her ears, she likes you.

When a man changes his status on Facebook

from "single" to "in a relationship",

I think it should say,

"under new management".

Now, some couples...

Are there couples in?

Give a shout,

all the couples in the room.

-Loads of...

-Whoo!

Sorry, mate.

That's sort of rubbing it in, isn't it?

There are some couples who are very

free and easy with their bodily functions.

They don't mind their partner

being in the bathroom

while they're taking

nature's call of a morning.

Their partner could be

brushing their teeth

while they're taking care of business.

I think we all know what I'm saying.

And there's a name for those people.

They're called...

f***ing animals.

You disgust us.

I've got some advice

for the men in the room.

Okay, I'm gonna keep this simple 'cause

men are inherently simple creatures.

Gentlemen, I'll just say it.

Gentlemen, never say "fanny fart".

It's a good example

of your Joke Tourette's.

Not everything in life

needs to be a little joke.

Actually, a lot of ladies are very

self-conscious when they do a muff puff.

The last thing they want is you making

a joke about their massive c*nt grunt.

Embarrassing Bodies?

-Yes!

-It's a fabulous piece of television.

Embarrassing Bodies?

So, we play a game in our house.

Embarrassing Bodies

with their medical problems

before seeing the doctor,

we pause the TV and try and guess

what is up with that.

So this girl, this 18-year-old girl,

pretty little thing,

Embarrassing Bodies

We pause the TV and try

and guess what the problem might be.

We could've been there all week,

we wouldn't have got it.

She was having surgery on her nuni.

On her vajayjay, her twinkle cave.

Her peachy pocket.

And the thing was,

there was nothing

the matter with her c*nt.

Perfectly healthy piece of equipment.

She was having, get this,

cosmetic surgery on her vagina.

And me and my girlfriend paused the TV.

We went, "Well, the world's gone mad."

That isn't a medical problem.

That's a psychological problem.

If anything, that's a societal problem.

That a girl's self-esteem

could be that low at that tender age

that she feels she needs

to go under the knife

in order to live up to

some idealised version

of what she thinks her genitals

should look like

'cause she's seen something online.

That's crazy.

That's body dysmorphia.

And they shouldn't be facilitating

that kind of madness

on what is normally

a very socially responsible show.

-Yeah!

-Yeah.

So we unpaused the TV,

and as soon as we...

It's a very visceral programme.

So they cut back to a close-up of her most

intimate lady garden, bathing suit area.

And both me and my girlfriend agreed.

We both said,

"Well, that needs f***ing fixing!

It's like a badly packed kebab.

Who has garlic mayo and chilli sauce?

What the f***?"

I thought I'd never seen one

I didn't like.

She had a fanny like a kicked-over trifle!

Apologies to any ladies in with...

fannies like kicked-over trifles.

It's quite rough from here on in, people.

Strap in!

Are there doctors in?

I know there's nurses.

Are there doctors and nurses?

Give us a shout, all of you.

-Quite a few of you around.

The thing that impresses me about doctors

is not what should impress me.

It's not the fact that

they can save lives.

That's what should impress me. No.

What impresses me about doctors

is their ability not to recoil in terror.

Doctors look at stuff every day.

They look at stuff and they go,

"Oh, that's a bit...

It's a bit whiffy.

It's a little bit gamey.

Oh, oh... I can...

I can smell that in my eyes.

We're gonna try and help you with that."

Ooh...

Whereas you or I would go,

"Why the f*** are you

showing me that, you monster?

Throw yourself off something!"

I asked a doctor recently,

I got chatting to this doctor.

I said, "What's the thing that's

made you want to recoil

in terror the most in all your

years of doctoring?" Right?

And I thought he'd have to think about it.

Straightaway, he came back.

He went, "A 95-year-old vagina."

I said, "I've seen one of those.

It was on a 30-year-old Scouse girl."

It's not the years,

it's the mileage, innit?

Oh, if you're watching this in America,

for "Scouse girl", read "New Jersey".

I've got a question for everyone in here.

Who here has had bad sex?

Who's not saying 'cause they're with

the person they had the bad sex with?

Have you ever had a girl cry during sex?

That's a weird thing.

I suppose women are more emotionally

engaged with their physical being.

That or the balaclava scared her.

Should we talk about

the weird sh*t people do sexually?

-Yes!

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