Jimmy Carr: Funny Business Page #7

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-Correct. We shall.

My ex-girlfriend used to like

to be choked during sex.

I'm 90% sure.

We only tried it once.

If anything, I was too good at it.

Have you all heard of the donkey punch?

Yeah!

The donkey punch

is where you're having the fun,

Greek-style bum sex

anal action with a lady, yeah?

And just as you're about to finish,

nut, ejaculate, come, we're all clear.

Just as you're about to...

You, um... You punch her

in the back of the head. Now...

Now I know that sounds

cray-cray in a bad way,

but hear me out.

Any medical professional will tell you,

when you punch someone

in the back of the head,

all the sphincters of the body,

of which your bum is one,

all the sphincters are on lockdown.

They all go, "Whoa!

The f*** was that? Whoa!"

It's like a submarine

locking off compartments. "Whoa!

No one in, no one out.

What the f***? Whoa!"

That "whoa" is a very fun way

to end proceedings.

Now obviously, you don't have to punch

your partner in the back of the head

to get that kind of result.

How long have you guys been together?

Five years?

So, a long-term, loving relationship.

Congratulations, guys.

So, sir, just turn,

look your partner in the eyes and say,

"Look, later on,

when I'm f***ing you in the ass,

would you mind clenching

the sphincter of your anus

just as I'm about to ejaculate?"

Just have that conversation now. Just...

Away you go.

You're right not to, sir.

You're 100% right not to. It's...

Even after five years in a loving

relationship with a beautiful woman,

it's still too awkward a conversation.

Take your chances.

I don't know much about women,

but I know this.

It's easier to get forgiveness

than permission.

The seagull?

You all heard of the seagull?

It starts well and ends horrifically.

There's a pattern emerging here,

I'm sure you realise.

So this is where you're making love

to a lady on the beach, yeah?

So everyone's melted away

at the end of a lovely summer's day.

And you find yourself under

the moon and the stars on the beach.

So far, so good.

You decide to be spontaneous,

and make love to your partner. Fantastic.

The seagull is where you whip it out,

pop it in the sand,

and then stick it back in.

I know!

It's called the seagull

because she goes...

Have I missed any? What other

kind of craziness have we heard of?

-What? Was that "angry pirate"?

-Yeah.

Angry pirate. Well, that's...

Okay, that's when a lady's

going down on you, and you decide,

"I'm not having enough fun.

I need more fun in my life."

So just as you're about to finish,

you pull out and come in her eye.

Not eyes. Eye.

Singular. It's like a trick shot.

And then as she gets up

to deal with that situation.

"What's going on there?"

You then kick her in the shin.

And what you're hoping for is the,

"Ar, ar, ar..."

of the angry pirate.

What other sexual weirdness

have we heard of?

Spider-Man!

The Spider-Man is a thing.

So, that's fairly vanilla.

That's when you're behind a lady.

That's key to the operation.

You're behind the lady,

and you're working your magic.

And then you... She's facing that way.

That's key.

You pull out, catch.

Women are inquisitive creatures.

She'll want to know

what's going on.

"What's happening back there?"

"Spider-Man!"

There's a Spider-Man,

there's also a Superman.

The Superman's where you come

across a lady's shoulder blades,

grab a sheet, pop that down.

And then you're hoping

when she gets up, she has a cape.

So, there's Spider-Man, Superman.

There's also a Batman.

I was doing a show the other night,

and a bloke went, "Batman!"

I said, "What's the Batman?"

He went, "Kill her parents."

Teenage boys masturbate a lot.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

When I was a teenage boy,

I had a sock called the Dream Catcher.

We're all familiar with

the danger wank, yes?

Very much the preserve of the teenage boy.

It's where you've taken matters

into your own hands.

Some hand-to-gland combat.

You're knocking one out,

having a wank.

But you don't just want

the sexual gratification,

you also want a frisson of excitement.

Some adrenaline pumping

through your veins.

So mid-wank,

you call for someone in the house

you do not have

a sexual relationship with,

and then try and finish

said wank before they arrive.

The classic, of course, "Mum! Mum!"

And then try and...

I mean, obviously, it could end in tears.

You could end up glazing

your mum like a doughnut.

Shall I just leave the phrase

"glazing your mum like a doughnut"

hanging in the air?

I've looked at so much Internet porn,

the virus my computer has is HIV.

We had a proper, serious, grown-up

discussion about pornography recently,

and my girlfriend said, well,

some of you may share the sentiment.

She said, "I don't get porn.

Why would I want to watch

two people have sex?"

I said, "Two?

People?

Now you've lost me."

Has anyone here ever

looked at porn online?

Oh, really? About 15 people?

Well, what a statistical anomaly

you are, London.

So I was looking at some

gentlemen's special interest material

recently on the Internet,

and this ad popped up

for a penis-enlargement cream.

I thought, "Well, I'll read on.

I'm not buying a f***ing Audi."

Um...

Basically it said, "Rub this cream

on your penis and it'll get bigger."

I thought, "Well, I'll stop you there.

Rub your penis without

the cream, it'll get bigger."

That is the nature of rubbing and penises.

They bloody love it!

Second thing, if this stuff

actually worked, wouldn't the guy

in the after photos in the advert

also have massive hands?

He did not.

I got in trouble for a joke last year.

Now, I don't mind getting

in trouble for a joke if it's worth it.

If it's, like, a really edgy joke.

I got in trouble

for a joke that's so mild.

I said, "Deafness is getting

to be quite a problem for me.

And I never thought

I'd hear myself say that."

We got, like, 50 letters of complaint from

the National Association of the Deaf.

And what I wanna know is,

who told them?

I said I was sorry.

Would they listen?

I got talking to a North African girl

in her native language for hours.

We just clicked.

F***ing anthropology jokes.

I've got it all.

I was gonna give you some advice,

ladies and gentlemen.

Little bit of advice.

If you get bitten by a dangerous dog,

like a Staffordshire bull terrier,

any dog whose jaw locks when it bites you,

what you're meant to do

is stick a finger...

How can I put this politely?

Up the ass.

Now, key thing I was not made aware of,

it's got to be the dog's ass.

Can't just be a passer-by

you like the look of.

Or your own.

Sharks.

Sharks are twice as likely,

twice as likely to bite a woman as a man.

So, gentlemen,

if you're swimming with a woman,

and you see a shark,

here's what you do.

You punch it as hard as you can

on the nose,

and you throw it towards the shark.

Here's some advice.

Women aren't meant to go camping

when they've got their period,

because what's the point in taking you

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