Jimmy Carr: Funny Business Page #8

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if you're not gonna f*** us?

It's a joke.

They're actually worried if you're

menstruating and you go camping,

you might attract a bear...

and then bite its f***ing head off

for no good reason.

It's basic bear safety is what it is.

Basic bear safety.

That is, ladies and gentlemen,

pretty much my show.

Oh, there is a collection after the show.

It's not a charity thing.

It's not for my taxes.

We're actually raising money

for a sex change operation

for my brother. I don't want to go

into too much in the way of detail.

Suffice it to say,

it is the ultimate practical joke.

He's going to wake up

the day after his stag do,

with a terrible hangover and amazing tits.

It's gonna be huge.

Now, should we... It's that sort of

stage of the evening. It's late on, right?

-Should we try some rough stuff?

-Yeah!

If you drink or smoke during pregnancy,

you can lose the baby.

It's worth a shot

before you splash out on another abortion.

-Oh!

Don't give me the "oh".

I'm not made of coat hangers, am I?

That's divided the room, hasn't it?

There's people that thought that was funny

and then there are good people.

Um...

I get away with murder in jokes.

I think 'cause they're so clearly jokes.

Feed line, punch line, laugh.

Possibly a "ooh".

But it's so clearly a joke.

It's not an opinion.

I'm not trying to change

your mind about anything.

I'm just trying to make you laugh.

But actually,

my dirty secret is, sometimes,

when I'm at home writing jokes of a day,

I look back at what I've done,

and I'll just go, "Well, that isn't

transgressive, or taboo, or edgy.

That's just wrong.

That's just 100% wrong."

And then, another bit of me,

quite a big bit, goes,

"Yeah, funny though."

If we're gonna be fancy about it,

it's cognitive dissonance.

It's two opposing thoughts

in my head at the same time.

I think, "It's wrong. It's funny."

Is it okay to say something

that's 100% wrong if it's funny enough?

Yeah!

Well, you say that,

but it's not like 100% wrong

where you'll go,

"What are you like? Cheeky!"

You're much more likely to go "ugh".

-Shall we give it a go?

-Yeah!

Okay. If I was to say to you...

It's about language being boring,

if it's about anything.

If I was to say to you I was with a girl,

and she was really aroused.

Well, firstly, you might be surprised.

Secondly, bored.

That is a boring way of speaking.

"I was with a girl.

She was really aroused."

Boring.

But if I was to say to you,

"I was with a girl.

She was wetter than a spastic's chin!"

That's the only difficult thing

about doing comedy,

is to know where to draw the line, right?

It's difficult to know

where to draw the line.

I've got a friend of mine

whose father has Parkinson's.

And I was chatting to him and his father.

I was round at theirs, having tea,

and they asked, they said,

"Well, what can you joke about,

and what can't you joke about?

Would it be okay, for example,

to joke about Parkinson's?"

And I was like, "Mmm..."

It's quite funny when I say it.

When his father tried to retell

that joke to his mum... Ha!

I'd like to end the evening this evening

Charlie Hebdo.

I don't know if you're aware of them.

They have a satirical magazine

in France, and they tell jokes.

And because they tell jokes,

some people that couldn't take

a f***ing joke shot them.

It's terrible.

I'd like to do a joke

in solidarity with those guys.

-For the end of the gig. Yeah.

Whenever I see footage of a mosque...

Can anyone else feel

a tension in the room?

Whenever I see footage of a mosque...

This one's also for you,

Andreas, the Christian.

I like to think of myself

as an equal opportunities offender.

I don't care who your imaginary friend is.

I think it's all pretty f***ing risible.

Whenever I see footage of a mosque

on the news or in a documentary,

everyone bowing their heads to pray,

Guess Who?

And someone's just said,

"Does he have a beard?"

Listen, I've been Jimmy Carr.

Thank you very much indeed.

Cheers. Good night. Thank you.

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