Jimmy Carr: Making People Laugh

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(Black Eyed Peas: I Gotta Feeling)

I got a feeling

Whoo-hoo

That tonight's gonna be a good night

- Good night. Good night.

- Hey, Jimmy!

That tonight's gonna be

a good, good night

Hi!

- Whoo-hoo

- (Cheering and whistling)

(Cheering)

(Audience counts down)

(Cheering and whistling)

(Jimmy) Cor. Good.

Well, you seem more excited than me,

and I've seen the f***ing show.

Good manners are disappearing.

When I was a lad

it was considered polite

to tap a lady on the head

before ejaculating.

I know.

You know why kids wear their trousers

slung low with no belt?

It's cos they're d*cks.

True story.

I attempted suicide once,

came pretty close,

killed the guy standing next to me.

It's all right, it was a Goth,

it's what he would have wanted.

Whenever my girlfriend says,

"F***ing men!"

I always think,

"Yeah, that is the alternative."

- (Man calls out)

- What? What, sorry?

- Tosser!

- (Jimmy) Tosser?

Right.

Just a rand... Just "tosser"?

You know you're in f***ing Glasgow,

don't you,

where someone pays you 22.50

to tell you to f*** off.

Fair enough, fill your boots.

On average,

in the Northern hemisphere,

January is the coldest month

of the year.

But if you were in Australia,

you'd be surrounded by c*nts.

Any Australians in?

(Woman) Yeah!

Welcome back.

I'll tell you why there's no women's boxing.

The weigh-in.

The fight would happen then and there.

Per square inch of head,

people with red hair have 750 fewer friends

than normal people.

A lot, isn't it?

Are there any redheads in?

(People yell) Yes!

Ugh.

I think I'm all right if I look away.

My partner recently lost 11 stone.

Well, I say that. I left her.

Fat cow.

A lot of people

like to smoke cigarettes after sex,

but you can't buy cigarettes

until you're 16,

so I have to get them for both of us.

(Applause)

You think its wrong I'm buying

a 15-year-old girl cigarettes?

You think it's wrong I'm f***ing her?

I'm kidding.

Kidding does sound like a verb

for child abuse, doesn't it?

I'm kidding.

Are you joking or touching kids?

Women say they want their ideal man

to be the outdoors type,

the kind of man that enjoys

long walks in the countryside.

Women say they want their ideal man

to be the kind of man that'll take control,

the kind of man

that's not afraid to take a few risks.

Basically what you're saying, ladies,

is your ideal man is a rapist.

And it's true, if you're a rapist you've got

pretty much your pick of women.

It's funny cos it's true.

Well, I thought I'd kick off with some jokes,

Glasgow, not f*** about too much.

I'll pause for breath and say hello,

how are you, Glasgow, are you well?

(Audience cheering)

Like an angry mob.

I thought we'd kick off properly.

We're in a beautiful room, the Armadillo

in Glasgow. Bloody marvellous.

I thought we'd start things properly, yeah?

Cos everyone's dressed up,

it's a Saturday night,

let's have a round of applause

for the ladies.

Let's have a round... Yeah. Let's have

a round of applause for the ladies.

Yeah. Yeah. Quite right. Yeah.

That's... Actually that's...

that's probably enough.

Looking round,

some of them have made no effort.

(Man) You've no made an effort,

have ye?

(Scottish accent)

You've not made an effort, have ya?

(Jimmy laughs)

Oh, bless him. Mongo no like.

Look at you.

Sorry, your comment there is that

I haven't made much of an effort?

Well, there's some cameras

and some f***ing lights,

I don't know what you had in mind.

It's not like I come to your work

and knock the sailors' c*cks

out of your mouth, is it?

(Applause)

Come on.

Seems like a very weird thing from quite

a tough-looking man from Glasgow to say.

(Scottish accent)

"Oh, you've not made much of an effort.

"I thought you'd be dressed up prettier."

It's a little bit prison rape

coming from you, sir.

That's what it feels like.

There's an incredible amount of pressure

on women these days

to be beautiful and thin.

And all I can say is,

we've got some very brave girls

in here this evening, really.

Terrific stuff.

No, there are some stunning-looking women

in here this evening,

and some right dogs.

You know who you are.

I'm joking.

No one in here is stunning.

(Jimmy laughing)

It's all right to make those kind of jokes

in comedy, because no one minds.

Like, occasionally someone will go,

"Oh, yeah, comedy,

it's the new rock 'n' roll."

It f***ing isn't.

I'll tell you how comedy isn't rock 'n' roll -

there's no comedy groupies.

There's groupies in rock 'n' roll,

there's no groupies in comedy.

What girl is so into comedy she's gonna

come backstage and suck me off?

(Woman squeals)

Well, might be a premature end

to the show.

Have her washed

and brought to my room.

I'm joking, don't wash her.

Seriously,

what girl is so into stand-up

she's going to come backstage

and suck me off just so she can go,

"That tastes funny."

It's a very fun job, this is all

I do for a living, I travel around,

I find large groups of people

with the same sense of humour as me

and then I tell them jokes

for the evening.

It means I get to go everywhere.

- Any Irish people in?

- (Various people) Yes.

Oh, a few, not that many.

Sounds like the roads in Glasgow

are very nearly finished.

I was in Dublin recently doing a show

and I was there with a friend hanging out

for the day - what could be finer? -

and he dared me to say this

at the end of the show.

So right at the end of the show I went,

"Dublin, I don't know much

about Irish politics."

That was pretty much their reaction.

A couple of thousand people going,

"I bet you f***ing don't, no."

I said, "I don't know much about..."

But he dared me to do it so I had to say it.

I said, "I don't know much

about Irish politics,

"I just think we should have

one Ireland united."

They were on their feet in Dublin,

"This guy is all right."

And then I added, "One Ireland united

"under British rule."

They went f***ing spastic.

Any Welsh people in, any Welsh?

(Woman cheers)

Just one. We seem to have

contained the problem. Good.

I'm loving the Welsh. Every time

I go to Wales I have a lovely time.

The people are very friendly, but I get

annoyed every time I go to Wales.

Not by the people, but by the signs.

All the signs in Wales. Road signs,

tourist information, shop signs.

Every f***ing sign

has to be in English and Welsh.

Everything, English and Welsh.

It's ridiculous

cos it costs a fortune to do

and only five per cent of

the population of Wales can read.

Well, I like to think of myself

as an equal opportunities offender.

We've done the Irish, we've done

the Welsh. Any Scottish people in?

(Audience cheers)

Imagine my surprise.

Here's a question for you,

my Scottish friends.

If you were a homeless alcoholic Scot

and you had Tourette's,

how would they ever know?

I'll tell you where's rough in England.

I was there recently and I didn't realise

it was meant to be rough, but Nottingham...

I didn't realise this, Nottingham

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