Jimmy Carr: Making People Laugh Page #2

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is the gun capital of Great Britain.

Tell you what Nottingham needs -

a sheriff.

It's quite a silly joke.

Are there any Scousers in?

(Woman cheers)

Well, there's a few there, all right.

Hi, the Scousers. You well?

No.

What do you do for a living?

Oh, sorry, I forgot you were a Scouser

there for a second, I apologise.

That's awkward.

I'm not having a go at Liverpool,

I'm loving the Scousers.

It's a great place to do a gig.

It's got a similar feel to Glasgow.

People heckle quite a lot,

they join in,

they're quite up for it

and nice sense of humour.

Loving the Scouse crowd,

although I will say this about Liverpool -

Liverpool is the only city in Great Britain

where JD Sports

has an evening-wear department.

They've got a f***ing bridal shop.

Can I interest madam

in an off-white tracksuit?

I always make a bit of an effort

when I'm travelling, doing this job,

I always make a bit of an effort

to do the accent of wherever I am,

and generally people take that well,

they like the fact that you've made an effort.

But sometimes people get chippy

if you don't get it right.

I was doing a gig

in the north of England

and this guy came up to me after

the show, quite aggressive. Yeah.

He said...

(Manchester accent) "All right, our kid?

"I don't think you've got

any f***ing respect for this town.

"Try and do the voice,

we don't even f***ing talk like tha'.

"Knobhead."

I said "No, you've got me all wrong,

I love Newcastle."

I've got a friend

that got into an argument

with a barmaid from Sunderland.

Long story short, he ended up calling her

a fat, ugly Geordie c*nt.

And she said,

(Newcastle accent)

"I'm no a Geordie."

(Accent wavers) "I'm no a Geordie."

Sorry, that's a terrible accent.

But it is how they talk.

I'm always impressed...

I came up on the train.

Anyone that can get on a train...

Maybe some of you can do this.

Can any of you get on a train

and not have to ask, is it the right train?

I'm unable to do that.

Whenever I get on a train,

I've always got to find someone

who looks like a grown-up, to me,

and go, "Is this the right one?

Is this the one for Glasgow?"

We all know the answer,

cos we've all been asked by a tit like me,

the answer is always,

"Hope so."

"Hope so."

I've started doing it on planes.

I went on holiday recently,

and they told me on holiday, yeah,

in the hotel,

that they had special stuff

in the swimming pool

that turns the water purple

if you pee in the pool.

So I didn't pee in the pool.

I didn't realise they had stuff for sh*t.

But they clearly did, cos they were

onto me almost immediately.

I told them it was a brown shark.

They were having none of it.

I met a fat vegetarian.

I thought, "Well done."

"All that on salad, you go, girl."

Whatever I'm cooking, I always make sure

there are vegetarian options.

They can make do

or they can f*** off.

(Cheering and whooping)

Women have a go at men

for overreacting to man flu,

but I think AIDS is pretty serious.

Near where I live in North London,

there's Hampstead Heath.

I don't know if you've heard

of Hampstead Heath,

but there are toilets on Hampstead Heath,

this parkland,

that are notorious for gay cruising.

This is where gay guys go

in North London

to hook up with other gay guys

of an evening,

the toilets on Hampstead Heath.

Now I live near there,

here's my question -

what happens if you just want a piss?

You're buggered.

Yeah, you can laugh -

I found out the hard way.

"The hard way" is not the phrase

to use there, is it?

I've got lots of gay friends.

I'm sure there are loads of gay men in,

a few certainly dotted around.

Are there gay men in?

(Silence, then laughter)

Keeping it quiet in Glasgow.

I've got loads of gay friends, I'm sure there

are some gay men in this evening,

How do you decide

who goes where in a gay relationship?

When it's a man and a woman

you know what goes where,

pretty much, most of the time?

Apart from birthdays and Christmas.

(Jimmy chuckles)

That was a good little nudge.

"Told you that was normal."

But if it's two guys,

cos it's two guys,

is it like calling shotgun

in the car?

Cos I get annoyed if my friend

gets to sit in the front.

I'd be livid if he got to pop

his cock in my bum.

That is the face I would do.

Do you know how to tell

if someone's gay, Glasgow?

Do you know how to tell?

You know when you get a posh lady,

if a posh lady is drinking tea

from a cup and a saucer,

and she'll do the thing

with her pinkie, she'll do the...

"Oh, delicious, Morag.

Another scone?"

She's Scottish.

Anyway, she'll do the thing with the pinkie.

Well, if a guy does that

when he's sucking your cock...

Gay!

Well, you're sucking that like a poof,

you bender.

What is he like?

Don't get the wrong idea, Glasgow,

I'm not homophobic.

Anyone that says I'm homophobic

can suck my cock.

As long as he's not a fella,

cos that isn't natural.

I think I should be allowed

to tell these jokes

because although

I've never had sex with a man,

I have f***ed a girl ugly enough

to count as a man.

My friend said that to me recently,

my friend Louise.

We were just chatting about nothing

and out of the blue she just went,

"I've never been to bed with an ugly man,

but I've woken up with a few."

So I said to her, "I've never been

to bed with an ugly girl,

"but I've f***ed a few in car parks."

Sorry, I should clarify, car park

is just what I call the vagina.

Because of my name.

(Applause)

(Jimmy laughing)

You don't look at all happy

with the euphemism "car park"

for the va-jay-jay.

I don't want to offend anyone

this evening.

The least offensive term,

probably front bottom.

So from here on in,

we'll call it a front bottom

and a back c*nt. And then...

Who's seen me before, Glasgow?

Who's been to one of my shows before?

(Cheering)

I always stick around at the end

of the show and say hi to people.

Frankly, the least I could do on a day out.

And the question I get asked

more than any other question,

after the gig people say to me,

"What's going on in your head?"

Well, often they don't phrase it like that,

they'll say, "What's wrong with you?"

So I thought this evening

what might be a fun thing to do

is to take you on a little guided tour

inside of my mind.

I've done pictures to illustrate

and I'll show you what's actually happening

up here. Oh, yes.

Sorry, I've just noticed some people

wearing masks of my face,

in what could only be described

as a f***ing freaky incident.

Why have you... You've got a mask of my...

Could you just hold it up, so...

Could you turn that round, just so other

people can see how f***ing freaky that is.

The odd thing about that is,

I was looking at you for a second,

I was going, "That looks familiar.

"That's something about...

"Hang on, I'm usually shaving

when this happens."

Thanks for f***ing freaking me out

on the DVD record,

I really f***ing appreciate it.

You crazy bint.

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