Jimmy Carr: Making People Laugh Page #3

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What's your name, madam?

- Claire.

- Claire. And what do you do, Claire?

- Er, student.

- Depends on the guy probably.

If it's a one-night stand

you really let your hair down.

What do you do for a living, Claire?

- Er, student.

- You're a student?

Ah, thus the free time

to be making masks

of comedians' faces.

(Jimmy laughing)

And who are you here with,

who's your friend?

- I'm Lucinda.

- Is she your special friend?

Are you special friends?

Do you sometimes use the mask

and use a strap-on and pretend?

(Jimmy) Yeah.

Pretend you're doing it

like normal people, yeah.

(Jimmy laughs)

Sorry, that's how I laugh.

If I laugh at any point in the show,

it sounds like Elmo's being tickled,

or a seal is being sexually molested.

Thanks very much for making a mask,

thanks for making a fuss of me.

Right, sorry, I was going to take you

on a guided tour of my mind.

We'll kick off with some thoughts.

That's me, thinking.

Or shitting, it's unclear from that.

I don't really like the term shitting,

I find it a bit aggressive.

I prefer to say growing a tail.

It's nice to be nice, isn't it?

Right, some thoughts for Glasgow.

White-van drivers.

I don't know,

they think they own the road

with their flashing lights

and their sirens.

"Ooh, there's been an accident."

There f***ing will be.

Of course, the thing they never do

on soaps is watch TV.

And that's because they'd see

all their dead friends on The Bill.

Have you just spotted the aids?

Well done.

Whenever I see a sticker on the back

of a car saying "Princess On Board"

it always makes me think of Diana.

(Laughter, groans and applause)

I always think, "Don't upset

Prince Philip, you'll be fine."

What?

I didn't f***ing kill her,

don't give me a hard time.

What super power

would I most like to have?

I've given that a lot of thought.

That's the sort of thing

men think about a lot.

What super power would be best?

I think invisibility would be

the coolest super power to have.

And really, the question is, if I was invisible

what would I do second?

I think we all know

what I would do first.

Let's face it, if I was invisible,

they'd think the ladies' changing rooms

were haunted.

Where's all this ectoplasm coming from?

It seems to be...

Something just tapped me on the head.

(Applause)

Manners cost nothing.

I have a lot of ideas

and I'd like to share some of my ideas

with Glasgow this evening.

Yes. I'd like to share some ideas

with all of you good people.

I'm working on a book at the moment,

it's about a zombie

that comes back from the dead,

but the twist is,

the zombie is the good guy.

But apparently it's already been done.

It's called the Bible.

It's annoying, isn't it?

I've had an idea for a TV show,

it's called Jim'll Fix lt.

It's just me spaying cats.

The first guy that persuaded a blind person

they needed sunglasses,

he must have been

a hell of a salesman.

There's a lot of problems

in the world,

so I like to do a little bit

of problem solving every day,

try and make the world

a slightly better place.

British women, that's you ladies,

British women last year

spent 280 million

removing unwanted body hair.

Surely it would be cheaper

and easier just to move to Germany.

If you're worried about

putting on a few extra pounds

and you want to be ready for next summer

with your beach body

why don't you visit Somalia

and get some f***ing perspective?

There's people with real problems,

you fat cow.

I've solved another problem,

it's a little thing,

but little and often with problem solving

is the best way to do it.

I've invented a bird table

for my back garden.

It's three foot tall

and it saves a fortune on cat food.

I tell you who I think

should team up.

Neighbourhood Watch and peeping toms.

It's a good idea, isn't it?

A marriage made in heaven.

And it would add a new dimension

to the term "curtain twitching".

Curtain twitching could mean

checking up on the neighbours,

or curtain twitching,

female masturbation.

I feel we've crossed a line,

haven't we, Glasgow?

(Jimmy laughing)

We've definitely crossed a line.

Facts.

We've all got loads of facts

inside our heads,

it's something to do

with living in this internet age.

British people are at least one inch

taller than we were 20 years ago

and that's because 20 years ago

we were all children.

40 per cent of people

use their mobile phone

to cheat on their partner.

I use Mr Tinkle.

Mr Tinkle is just a silly name I've got

for my tummy banana.

Most bingo winners don't tell

their other halves about their windfall

and that's because their husbands

are dead.

There are 427 licensed professional jockeys

currently working in the UK.

If you laid them all from end to end

they would stretch from here

to here.

An iguana can stay under water

for 28 minutes.

Or longer,

if you don't mind it dying.

Interesting little fact for you.

Obsessive Star Trek fans

are known as?

(Woman) Yay!

Virgins.

Sorry.

- Are you a big Star Trek fan?

- Yes.

But how old are you?

Do you mind me asking?

You seem like... What, sorry?

- Twenty.

- Twenty?

Right, so definitely not a virgin

in Glasgow.

What do you do for a living?

- I'm a secretary.

- You're a secretary?

- Yes.

- Nice. Is it 1950 already?

- It's 2010 actually.

- What?

2010 actually.

All right. You seem a bit chippy.

Oh, it is Glasgow, sorry.

I'd love to chat more,

but I'm at work, so...

(Applause)

(Jimmy laughing)

(Whistling)

Here, this will cheer you up.

Oh, and you've gone for that, nice.

What a lady.

Let's talk about language.

I'm slightly obsessed by language.

I spend my life toying with it,

and messing round with it,

and trying to write jokes

for you good people to laugh at.

A lot of people don't like it

when language changes.

A lot of people don't like Starbucks,

for example,

because what was

small, medium and large,

is now tall, grande and venti.

But I like the fact

that I've now got a tall cock.

That's taken away

a lot of the stigma.

A lot of people change the language

that they use

so as not to offend certain

interest groups or individuals.

Which is fair enough,

you know how touchy queers are.

PC has ruined some things.

You can't say fruit salad any more,

it's now homosexual salad.

Which is mental,

because all salad is gay.

Cooee!

You've got to be very careful

in how you express yourself.

You could be saying the same thing,

but if you pick the wrong words,

you could cause offence

quite inadvertently.

I'll give you an example,

I'll read you two sentences.

The first one

is entirely inoffensive,

the second one,

well, it could be misconstrued.

I know, heaven forefend, but they both say

the same thing, interesting.

I fell into a hedge, cut my face,

and I can only partially remember

the evening.

It's fine, isn't it?

Much better than saying,

I fell into a bush, got gash on my face,

and can only remember snatches.

Doesn't maternity...

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