Jimmy Carr: Making People Laugh Page #4

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Maternity makes it sound

like you're going to be fat forever?

And some of you will be.

(Audience groaning)

Doesn't Nazi gold

sound like a greatest hits?

Let's talk about fears,

our subconscious mind.

That's quite an interesting area,

isn't it? Yeah.

The best way

to conquer a fear of spiders

is next time you see a spider,

imagine it naked.

Has anyone got

like a morbid fear of spiders?

- Like a...

- (Woman) Yes.

Someone's got one over there?

- (Woman) My brother.

- Your brother has?

Well, so that's kind of...

Oh, he's here, it wasn't a random,

"I haven't got a phobia, but my brother has,

maybe you could help with that."

- What's your name?

- Kyle.

Kyle? And you speak for him?

When you say your brother

you're not from Paisley,

you're not going out or anything,

are you?

Oh, no, I'm just asking cos...

What do you do, Kyle?

Nothin' the noo but.

What, sorry?

(Kyle) Nothin' the noo.

Nothing the now?

It's a new...

Kyle and I are just workshopping,

we're coming up with a new children's

character for Scotland.

He's called Nothing the Now,

the unemployed donkey.

(Applause)

Nothing the now?

What the f*** is that, Kyle?

What do you do for a living?

You're unemployed.

- Aye.

- (Jimmy) Aye.

- Yes.

- All right, well, good,

it was lovely having you here.

Especially as a lot of the taxpayers

paid for you to f***ing be here.

(Cheering and whooping)

Well...

Yeah. Let's face it, we're in Glasgow,

there's a lot of people

that applauded that

that have never paid any tax

in their f***ing lives.

"'Ey, there's tax on spirits, isn't there?"

What I'd like to do, Kyle,

my gift to you,

give something back to the community,

not just put care in it,

I'd like to cure you of your fear of spiders.

You up for this?

Aye.

Like Derren Brown style with hypnosis,

cure your fear of spiders. You up for this?

- Aye.

- Fabulous. All right. Cos it's happening.

OK, imagine, Kyle,

you're at home, in bed,

under the duvet,

as snug as a bug in a rug, mmm.

And you're dreaming of whatever...

unemployed people

in Glasgow dream of.

I don't know, being on the Social

for another few years.

I don't f***ing know.

"Ooh, and then I sign my name and

the cheques keep comin', oh, lovely."

OK, so you're at home in bed.

You're in the most safe and secure

environment you could possibly be in.

You're under the duvet,

safe and secure and warm, mmm.

Dreaming away.

A spider, Kyle, the size of my hand,

big hairy motherf***er,

crawls on your face

as you lie sleeping.

Doesn't wake you, Kyle,

you're still dreaming of nice things,

Buckfast and the like.

(Jimmy laughing)

Just sits there for a while

on your face, Kyle, as you sleep.

- Lays its eggs in your tear ducts...

- (People groaning)

...and scampers away

to its enormous, giant spider nest,

under your bed, where it lives.

You can check later if you like.

OK. You wake up in the morning,

fresh as a daisy, lovely,

ready for a busy day. Well...

You're awake anyway.

(Jimmy laughing)

OK, so you're absolutely fine

the next morning.

About a week later, you're

sitting reading the paper, you know.

"That's a weird itch."

A thousand spiders

hatch out of your eyes!

(People groan)

Has that helped at all?

(Jimmy) That needs work, doesn't it?

Sorry.

If it's any consolation,

it's only Kyle, doesn't matter.

Franklin D Roosevelt famously said,

"There is nothing to fear

but fear itself."

Of course, he's dead now.

Killed by a spider.

(Jimmy laughs)

What I worry about, and I'm sure

many of you share my concerns,

I worry about climate change.

Climate change,

or to give it its official scientific name,

autumn.

Do you know, we produce

48 per cent more carbon emissions

than we used to in the 1970s?

But that figure could be halved

if you just divided it by two.

I'll tell what I do really worry about,

and I'm sure Kyle will be thinking

this is entirely justified,

I worry about going mad.

I've got a friend that went mad last year

and ended up killing himself.

He took everything

in the medicine cabinet.

Choked on a surgical bandage.

That's not how I would do it.

If I was going to kill myself,

I know what I would do,

I don't wanna be morbid,

but I know how I'd do it.

I would dress up as Superman

and jump off the top of a building.

How f***ing awesome would that be?

And I would do it at four o'clock

in the afternoon during term time.

Cos you'd want a couple of hundred kids

going, "Wow, Superman!"

And then,

"Whoa, Fathers for Justice."

Rape.

Such a harsh word.

I prefer to say

when kiss-chase goes too far.

And what exactly is aggravated rape?

"Oh, not only did he rape me,

now I've missed my bus."

On the positive side, at least with Rohypnol

there are no bad memories.

(Jimmy) What?

Let's talk about childhood, Glasgow.

Yeah. Childhood memories,

childhood thoughts, yeah.

One in ten British kids has never been

to a beach in this country.

Imagine that,

growing up without ever having seen

a dead cormorant

with a tampon on its head.

When I was a kid

I wanted to get a tattoo

but my parents said I had to get it

somewhere that didn't matter.

So I had it done in Hull.

Is anyone here from Hull?

- (Man) Yeah!

- Doesn't matter.

Here's an interesting thing,

you can have sex in this country

when you're 16,

but you can't buy pornography

until you're 18. That's an odd law.

You can have sex when you're 16,

but you're not allowed to watch other people

have sex for another two years.

So if you're 16, you can have sex,

just don't look down.

Let's talk about faith

and spirituality,

an important part of our psyches

I'm sure you will agree.

Christians say, and there may

be Christians in this evening,

Christians say,

"Jesus died for your sins, be good."

I say, "He's already dead, f*** it."

"What's he going to do, get deader?

Fill your f***ing boots, mate."

Also, if he died for your sins

and you don't do any sins,

you've made him look a right c*nt.

I don't believe in the paranormal

per se, but I do have a spirit guide.

Well, I say spirit guide,

you might call it a sat nav.

Paranormal

is actually derived from the Greek.

"Para" meaning "you're not",

and normal.

Let's talk about travel, yeah?

The main reason Americans...

Are there any Americans in?

For the best.

The main reason Americans

don't have passports

is they have trouble fitting

in the photo booth.

Luckily, they've developed Google Earth.

More than 2.3 million households

have no one in full-time work,

which is a convoluted way of saying

there is a place called Scotland.

(Audience booing)

- (Man calls out)

- Ha! Really? Good luck.

Of course, not all Scottish people

are alcoholics,

a lot of you are recovering alcoholics

with drug problems.

(Applause)

Let's face facts, Glasgow,

if you Scottish ever find a way

to deep-fry whisky, you are f***ed.

Interesting little fact for you -

hopscotch was originally invented

in Glasgow

by children trying to step over

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