Jimmy Carr: Making People Laugh Page #5

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their alcoholic parents.

True story.

Let's talk about some dumb things.

I see a lot of dumb signs.

I was in a supermarket, I saw a sign,

it said, "Buy two get one free."

But I only wanted one,

so I took the free one.

I don't want to show off

about my showbiz lifestyle,

but I was in a Yates's Wine Lodge...

Yeah, I was in a Yates' Wine Lodge

and I got talking to the barmaid.

I asked her how many types of wine

they did in Yates's Wine Lodge,

and she said, "Both."

Let's talk about some important

social issues.

There's a guy I work with, and every day

he has what looks like fish fingers.

I think he was in a fire.

Don't tell me

that's too brutal for Glasgow.

Most domestic fires

need just four things to start -

a source of oxygen, a source of heat,

gambling debts, and an up-to-date

insurance certificate.

I hate people that make loud noise

on public transport,

particularly explosions.

Annoying!

I got into an argument,

I said, "Women have a lower

pain threshold than men."

She said, "Try childbirth."

I said, "I have.

How do you think I got here?"

Do you know,

the NHS is currently so underfunded

that couples wanting IVF treatment

to help them conceive

are being told

to go and f*** themselves.

Remember, dogs die in hot cars,

or a heavy blow to the back

of the head will work just as well.

(Audience groaning)

(Booing)

Oh, really?

That's the one that got you? OK.

I came home the other night and my

girlfriend was dressed up as a French maid.

Very disappointed,

the house was a f***ing state.

Filthy slut.

Well, let's talk about love

and romance and sex.

Let's talk about sex, Glasgow.

There's a very commonly held belief that

men think about sex every seven seconds,

which I think makes

talking to your dad creepy.

British men spend, on average,

22 minutes on foreplay.

Of course, that is spread out between

all of us over the course of a year.

Women who read romance novels

have twice as much sex

as the national average.

Well, I say sex, what I mean is,

they yield the precious softness

of their silken female innocence

to the crushing firmness of his intent.

Sorry, I came over

all Catherine Cookson there.

That's not a great phrase to use.

That would be like painting

the Forth Bridge.

The average person has two pounds

of meat lodged in their colon.

So, come on, love...

(Laughing)

Most people don't know this,

but confetti that you get at a wedding,

confetti represents fertility

and the seed of man.

Which is quite accurate cos a lot of it

does end up in the bride's hair.

Women have a go at men

because we're no good at multi-tasking,

but then you have a go at us

when we piss in the shower.

It's like we can't win.

Speaking of multi-tasking,

I had a threesome last week.

My girlfriend is pretty cool.

But if she finds out about this

I'm in trouble.

I did have a threesome.

I know what you're thinking,

"Yeah, probably you,

a girl and another bloke."

No. It was actually me

and two blokes.

(Jimmy clears his throat)

That feels like enough from inside

my head, shall we leave it there?

Let's leave it there. Marvellous.

(Cheering and applause)

Yes, erm...

Do you ever do this,

do you get asked to do the washing-up

and you do it really badly, on purpose,

so you never get asked again?

(Audience) Yes.

My girlfriend does that

with blowj*bs.

Seriously, her blowj*bs suck.

And it's not just me, a lot of

my friends have commented.

My girlfriend likes

to have the lights on during sex.

Cos she likes to be able to read.

Which I think is to be encouraged

in a girl of her age.

(Audience groaning)

I'm kidding!

She's actually scared of the dark.

Some people like the lights on,

some have to have the lights off.

I like the lights on during sex,

my best mate likes to have the lights off.

And fair enough, his missus is a pig.

My girlfriend and I do a bit

of role play in the bedroom.

I pretend to be

a swarthy Italian Lothario,

and she pretends to be asleep.

She gets pretty into it.

Sometimes she's there

for seven or eight hours.

I'm actually quite conservative, sexually.

I tried S & M once.

Well, I say I tried S & M,

I punched a girl.

Who's in a long-term relationship?

Give us a shout if you are. Yes?

(Audience) Yes!

Oh, loads of us, OK.

Well, you'll know as I know,

in a long-term relationship

it's all about compromise,

it's about finding that common ground

because if you're not both happy,

neither of you

can independently be happy.

No one's happy when the other half

has got a face on, are you?

You've got to find common ground.

Here's a good example of compromise,

this happens a lot in our house.

I want to go out for the evening, a night out,

she wants a romantic night in.

So, as a compromise, we go dogging.

We don't.

I suggested having sex outside once

and she went,

"What if someone comes?"

I said, "We'll go home."

OK, I've got a question

for the men of Glasgow, OK?

You're representing

the men of Britain this evening.

Got a question for you.

Has any man in this room

ever used the phrase "making love"?

(Man 1) No.

(Man 2) Never.

No, well no, of course f***ing not.

Purely the preserve of the ladies,

ladies love that phrase, making love.

Making love. Hm.

Making love.

But you know why

it's called making love?

It's cos we're going

to make you do it, love.

- (Jimmy laughing)

- (One person claps)

Thanks very much.

(Scottish accent) "F***in' right."

I got stopped

by one of those charity muggers.

You know the ones,

with the clipboard in the high street,

and you think, "Oh, I've dodged him,"

then there's another, "Oh! For..."

They work in teams,

I don't know how they do it.

Anyway, I got stopped,

I got cornered.

He said, "Can I have a word

about the homeless?"

I said, "Certainly - lazy."

"Off you f***."

(Laughter and applause)

I was in London and I saw a homeless guy

with a dog on a piece of string.

Classic look for a homeless guy.

It is.

And I was walking by

and the homeless guy said,

"Could you spare

some money for food?"

And my friend said,

"Eat the dog, then we'll talk."

Even I thought, "That is harsh."

I'm joking, I didn't.

Truth be told,

there was no friend there, I said it.

I was just checking to see

you thought it was funny first.

I do a lot of gigs for people

less fortunate than me.

Only last week I was in Stoke.

For those who don't know it,

it's the English equivalent of Dundee.

(Cheering)

- Are there people in from Dundee?

- (Cheering)

Oh, there's girls in from Dundee.

That's good cos I've got money for chips

and I wouldn't mind sex.

(Jimmy laughing)

I like the fact the girls

from Dundee applauded that.

Just, yeah, you're going,

"Yeah, f***, chips, ooh."

(Whistles)

Shall I do my impression

of me seducing a girl from Dundee?

(Repeating whistle)

That's all you need.

(Jimmy laughing)

(Jimmy sighing)

F***ing marvellous.

(Laughs)

This isn't what the show is about at all,

but I was going to tell you

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