Jimmy Carr: Making People Laugh Page #6

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about a thing that I'm doing,

means a lot to me, and I'm going

to take a moment of your time.

I've started a little charity,

just a little thing of my own

and it's going great,

but I didn't want to put anything up

on big screens

or put any leaflets out

or anything in the programme.

I was going to tell you

what the charity I've set up does,

then if you want to get involved

you could Google it.

It's not what the evening's about,

it's about having a laugh,

but I thought I might...

sorry, I'm wittering on.

But you could just look it up

or Google it, if you want to get...

No, I'm just saying,

cos you could be proactive

rather than me forcing it down...

Cos people get bored of that.

OK. What we do is we send

obese children to the rainforest.

(Laughter)

I don't mind you tittering,

cos we're seeing fabulous results.

If you wanna be part of that,

it's feedthetigers. Com.

(Laughter and applause)

Their faces light up.

Not the children, obviously,

they're f***ing petrified.

Although, it is quite ironically funny

seeing them trying to run away.

It's a bit late

for cardiovascular now.

You should have thought of that

when you were waddling to Gregg's,

you fat f***!

(Cheering and whistling)

Flooding. Flooding's pretty bad.

I saw a woman on the news

in her flooded front room, crying.

I thought, "Crying's not helping.

"If anything,

you're making matters worse, love."

I am committed to getting young girls

off the streets.

Sometimes it's just for a half-hour,

but it relaxes me.

I find it very relaxing.

Sorry, I'm not sounding

very charitable, I do do my bit.

I've created a foundation

for battered women.

It's really thick,

to hide the bruising.

It's weird, domestic abuse

is still a real sort of taboo subject.

People don't like talking about it.

Ironically, that makes

the problem much worse,

cos the charities

that deal with domestic abuse,

their problem

is a problem of communication,

cos the women that they're

trying to communicate with,

the battered wives, are the very women

that won't shut up and listen.

Tragically, this is the only language

they understand.

I don't know what that is.

That's like the lion

from the Wizard Of Oz.

I wouldn't last a f***ing day

in this city, would I?

(Jimmy laughing)

Sorry, I know there's a degree

of civic pride in Glasgow

because domestic abuse

was invented right here, wasn't it?

Around the turn of the century,

well done, we salute you.

(Man calling out)

Someone say something there?

Old Firm day

is domestic violence day?

Is that a thing?

- (Whistling and cheering)

- Is that real?

There's a woman there just going, "Yeah."

"Oh, yeah."

What, sorry?

Just tell me that again, Old...

(Man) Old Firm day,

Rangers and Celtic game.

So when Rangers play Celtic,

it's the day for domestic abuse?

I f***ing love it

that you've got it diarised.

(Jimmy laughing)

Has anyone had this recently,

has anyone made an appointment

with the doctors recently?

I phoned up for an appointment

with my doctor

and I got an appointment

in three weeks' time.

I thought, "That's good,

I'll either be better or dead."

But then they gave me option B.

They said, "You can come down

and see the locum doctor.

"It's not your doctor,

it's our doctor we've got there,

"and if it's serious

you can come down and wait."

So that's what I did,

I went down to the doctor's surgery

and I waited for, like, four hours.

And eventually I got called into

the treatment room with the doctor.

Walked in there,

stunning-looking doctor,

I mean properly ten out of ten,

absolutely gorgeous, exactly my type.

I went, "Er... I'm embarrassed."

She said, "I'm a professional,

you're a grown man,

"just tell me what the problem is."

I said, "OK,

"I think my cock tastes funny."

(Laughter and applause)

"I don't know if you've got a test for that,

"but I've had an idea."

It's weird, the gender stereotype

in that joke, isn't it?

Like the idea, when I say "doctor",

most people imagine a man.

That's very odd,

cos we all know there's female doctors,

but, if you're honest, when I say doctor,

do you imagine a man? Yes?

Nurse is even worse. If I say nurse,

do you imagine a woman?

(Man roars)

Sounds like a slightly overactive

imagination there.

Ooh, yes! I mean like a proper nurse,

not like a stripper in a pub.

When I say nurse,

do you imagine a woman, yes?

But we know

there's loads of male nurses.

It's not pronounced male,

you don't call them male nurses.

It's pronounced, "Male nurses?!"

(Jimmy laughing)

Not that I want to offend any male nurses,

or indeed your boyfriends.

(Laughs) Just nod that one in, good.

I'll never forget

what my granddad said to me,

"I sh*t in a bag, please kill me."

A great way to warm up

pensioners in winter

is cremation.

Do you know you lose

50 per cent of your taste buds

by the time you're 75.

So it is OK

for your nana to live on cat food.

My nana, my mum's mum,

used to make me a jumper every Christmas.

Did anyone else have that?

She made me a jumper every Christmas.

Much better than the ones

in the shops.

No. No, it isn't. (Chuckles)

I remember one year she made me

this burgundy monstrosity.

Sleeves way too long

and in the front she'd embroidered,

"Blacks go home".

I said, "I'm not wearing that!

"It's burgundy!

"And the sleeves are too long,

you crazy racist whore."

My girlfriend recently had

a phantom pregnancy

and now we have a little baby ghost.

It's quite a sweet joke,

it's not hurting anyone

and that's why every time

I tell that joke I kick a tramp.

Even things up karmically.

Who's got kids? Have you got kids?

You've got kids?

I've got kids.

I've adopted but it's the same.

It's a family. Well, fostered.

But as I say, there's

a bit of paperwork, it's nothing.

Sponsored. I've sponsored a child.

Well, it's not a child, it's a panda.

Well, it's a donkey.

I didn't sponsor it, I gave it

half an apple through a fence.

That always gets the same reaction,

it's always the woman going,

"That's not the f***ing same,"

and the bloke going "Have you? Good.

"As long as I don't have

to see a f***ing photo of it."

A lot of men use moisturiser,

but I'm old-fashioned.

I just spit on my hand.

What did you think

we were talking about?

Oh, come on, don't give me that look,

we've all been there.

"Come on, love,

the film starts in 10 minutes,

"we haven't got time for your fancy foreplay

or your expensive lubricant,

"we're going to be buttering the baking tray

the old-fashioned way."

Ironically, buttering the baking tray

is the phrase that will stick.

Sorry, you've just given him a look

as if to say,

"I thought you invented that.

"How does he know what we do?"

(Jimmy laughing)

Flavoured condoms. Has anyone had

any dealings with flavoured condoms?

(Several people) Yeah.

(Jimmy) A few of you.

The girl from Dundee is thinking,

"I thought that was one of my five-a-day."

"Another banana, lovely."

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