Jimmy Carr: Making People Laugh Page #7

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My point on flavoured condoms

is they are a waste of money, OK?

Turns out my girlfriend doesn't have

a sense of taste in her front bottom.

Or back c*nt.

Which is just as well,

if you think about it.

(Groaning)

Well, don't think about it.

I've been up here long enough,

I can open up a bit,

I can share with you, Glasgow,

I can share, yes?

(Audience) Yes.

My girlfriend has fallen asleep

during sex before.

That is embarrassing.

That is awkward.

But not as awkward

as the time she woke up during it.

"Hello, love.

"You're up early.

"Yeah, I was just getting on

with a little bit of sex.

"I'll make you a cup of tea

when I'm finished.

"That'll help get rid of the taste."

(Audience groaning)

"Yeah, I know it's weird,

I've seen a doctor."

Good. Well, that's pretty much

the first half of my show,

but it's mainly me talking.

Any questions so far?

Anything you'd like to know?

(Man) Jimmy!

(Jimmy) Yes?

I'm going to presume

all the questions are for me.

If that's...

If I'm not being

too starry and arrogant.

Although, there's something

about my name in this town.

(Scottish accent) "Jimmy."

It just sounds right.

Go on, what was the question?

What would you rather do,

suck off your dad

or lick out your mum?

(Jimmy) Well...

Yes, I think if I'm not mistaken,

that's one of Wittgenstein's theorems.

(Jimmy) Erm...

(Man) Suck off his mum.

You'd suck off his mum?

He's done you.

He has done you.

I'm not from Perth, so I may never

have to make that decision.

(Jimmy laughing)

F***ing hell, you sound like you

come from a very broken home.

I'm not suggesting

you f***ed your mum,

but only because you wouldn't

want to two-time your sister.

(Man) Why do you laugh

like a sexual predator?

Why do I laugh like a...

(Scottish accent) "sexual predator"?

I like the way that sexual predator

sounds better in your accent

than any other.

(Scottish accent) A sexual predator.

I don't know why I laugh like that,

it's one of life's mysteries.

In the same way as why are you dressed

as a gay lumberjack?

We may never know.

"I like big thick logs, hm!"

- Yes?

- (Man) How big's your cock?

How big's my cock?

Well, I'm not sure whether your mother

would be comfortable discussing it,

but it's...

(Cheering and applause)

Truth be told, it's quite small,

but it smells like a big one.

What, sorry?

Where's the weirdest place

I've had sex?

His mum's bum.

Classic.

I'm joking, of course.

It was his dad's.

- Any other questions, thoughts?

- (Man calls out)

Why do I look like Hitler?

Nein, nein, nein.

Who said that?

I'm sorry, who?

(Woman) What hotel

are you staying in?

What hotel?

Ah, well, it's quite a posh one,

so it will have to be your place.

I don't think...

I don't think they'll let you in,

they've got a policy

on that sort of thing.

And even though I'm not paying you,

it looks like I am.

(Jimmy) Go on.

(Man) Where's your best audience?

(Jimmy) What's the best audience?

Well, without being sort of, sycophantic, sir,

without sucking up to you.

He said, in a very patronising manner.

Glasgow's pretty good, that's why

I'm recording the DVD here.

I don't know if you noticed

the cameras, but it's...

It's, er...

It's just a fun place.

I'll tell you a quick story about Glasgow

just before we move on.

I'll tell you the reason

I'm recording the DVD here.

The first time I ever came to Glasgow

to play at The Stand Comedy Club,

I got in the back of a taxi, yeah?

And I said to the bloke,

cos I wanted to make a reference

to where was rough in town,

so I said, "Excuse me, driver,

where's rough in Glasgow?"

And he said, "For you, everywhere."

Then I was on stage later that night,

yeah, on stage and I told that story

on stage, and all I said was,

and I thought this was a comment

that was beyond any kind of argument,

all I said was, "Glasgow

is quite an aggressive town."

And a guy down the front went,

"No, it f***in' isnae!"

No hint of irony.

"No, it f***in' isnae!"

(Laughs)

I thought, "This place will do for me!"

Do you all like drinks and sweets, yes?

(Audience) Yes.

(Jimmy) Everyone does.

Do you sometimes get annoyed

paying regular prices for sweets?

Do you wish you could pay

two or three times as much

for exactly the same Maltesers?

Because if you do, you are in luck.

We're about to have an interval

and this venue is about to rape you.

I'll meet you back here in 20 minutes

for more jokes. See you then.

(Cheering and whistling)

(Cheering, shouting,

whistling, applause)

Do you ever you walk into a room

and forget why you've gone in there?

You just kind of go,

"What am I meant to be?"

- Do you ever get that?

- (Audience) Yes.

What?

Are you cat people or dog people?

What would you say?

(Audience yells out)

Cos, to me,

it all tastes the f***ing same.

People of restricted height.

Some of them

don't mind being called midgets,

but they hate being called dwarves.

Some of them, fine with dwarf,

hate being called a midget.

So what are you going to do?

What I do is call them all Oompa-Loompas.

None of the little f***ers like that, do they?

Are there any midgets in?

I haven't seen any, but that's part

of their charm. They could be...

I don't look down on dwarves.

That's probably

gone over their heads.

How could I stoop so low?

Life's too short.

Just because you're a midget

doesn't make you less of a person.

Truth be told, I f***ing love dwarves,

but I never tell them,

cos I don't want them

to get big-headed.

A lot of people say women get more

attractive after a couple of drinks,

but they lose a lot of their charm,

vomiting and pissing in the street.

Welcome to Glasgow.

They just put speed bumps

outside my local school.

Well, I'm pretty sure

it was a speed bump.

I'm 90 per cent sure

it was a speed bump.

With a satchel.

I make my own vegetables.

I've got a hammer.

Is it wrong, Glasgow,

you be the judge,

is it wrong to call the disabled seating area

of a theatre

the cabbage patch?

Is that wrong?

Double amputees,

you gotta hand it to them...

but they will drop it.

If I lost both my arms

I'd probably just shrug it off.

I was doing a gig on this tour,

I was telling that joke,

and there was a guy sitting

down the front there,

missing both his arms.

And he laughed at that joke,

but then at the end,

I noticed he wasn't applauding.

You know that moment

when a girl locks eyes with you

across a crowded room and says,

"Yes, Your Honour, that's the one."

I saw a headline in the paper,

it said, "Rapist Strikes".

I thought, "What does he want?

Better pay and conditions?"

He's outdoors in the park,

he's on flexitime,

talk about your job satisfaction.

What, have we got

unionised sex offenders now?

"What do we want?"

"Get in the van."

"When do we want it?"

"Get in the van."

Women ask weird questions.

Well, the women in my life have always

asked weird questions.

My girlfriend said to me recently, she said,

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