Jimmy Carr: Making People Laugh Page #8

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"Which of my friends

do you think is prettiest?"

Well, that's what she said,

what I heard was, "I fancy a fight."

I don't know much about women,

but I know there is no correct answer

to the question,

"Which of my friends

do you think is prettiest?"

There's nothing I can say

that she'll go, "Oh, good, yeah."

I thought, "I might as well be hung

for a sheep as a lamb,"

so when she asked,

"Which of my friends is prettiest?"

I said, "Karen is pretty, but Susan

does that thing with her tongue."

Talking during sex, Glasgow -

where do you stand

on talking during sex?

There should be very strict rules

on talking during sex.

Rule number one, don't.

Rule number two, shh!

And those are the rules.

My girlfriend talks during sex.

I don't mean sexy,

dirty, filthy talk,

I'd love that,

that'd be awesome.

No. She says the most mundane sh*t

you've heard in your life mid-coitus.

That means whilst f***ing.

The thing you do for chips.

(Laughs)

I'll give you an example, OK?

So a couple of weeks ago,

we were making love...

I'd made her do it, love.

We were about halfway through,

well, we were nearly finished,

but she didn't know that.

I was in... I was actually...

And she said,

"Where did I leave my keys?"

I said, "Well, they're not in your vagina.

"I've had a good root around,

I would've noticed something.

"I'll check your bum."

She said, "You will not,

it's no one's birthday."

So I've come up with

a way of dealing with this, OK?

I could just say to her, "Could you not

say mundane things during sex,

"because it sort of kills

the mood for me, sort of ruins it,

"you know, kills the moment."

I could just say that, but that

would be literally no fun at all.

So what I'm doing is

whatever she says to me,

no matter how mundane,

whatever she says to me during sex,

I try and make it sexy.

Set myself that challenge.

It's a lot of fun.

I'll give you an example. She said to me

a couple of weeks ago, while we were...

she said,

"The recycling's coming tomorrow."

Well, more accurately she said,

"The recycling's coming tomorrow."

So I said,

(lrish accent) "The recycling's not

the only thing comin' tomorrow.

(American accent) "Yeah. I'm gonna

separate your paper and plastic."

Doesn't really mean anything.

That's my sexy voice, by the way.

I've kind of gone for a 1970s blaxploitation

New York City voice,

cos then you can say things like,

"I'm comin'."

If I just use my voice,

I've just got to go, "I've arrived."

Has anyone heard anything more mundane

than that during sex?

What's the most mundane thing?

- (Man) Hurry up.

- Hurry up?

Hurry up.

Huh, what's that,

these chips are cold?

(Applause)

Oh, oh, bless. Any others?

(People calling out)

What, sorry, what was that one?

(Woman) Rather cold today.

(Jimmy) Rather cold today?

"Cold today." "Aye."

That's like small talk

at a bus station.

I suppose we're in Glasgow, it could

well have happened at a bus station.

(Laughs) I got the little, "Oh, yes."

- Any others?

- (Man) Is it in yet?

Is it in yet?

So have you said to this boy here,

there's a man covering his eyes now,

"Oh, God, she hasn't."

That's not your boyfriend?

I'm sure you don't limit yourself to one.

But you've said to a man,

"Is it in yet?"

Not saying it, but...

But you've said that, you've looked a man

in the eyes and gone, "Is it in?"

You don't want to look down and check

and you've got no feeling

in your vagina whatsoever.

So, hang on,

just make eye contact with me,

without looking down, can you tell

if there's a cock in you now?

- What was your one?

- (Man) My gran's in hospital.

My gran's in hospital.

You were f***ing someone

and they said to you, "My gran's in hospital."

(American accent) Oh, yeah, baby,

tell it like it is!

(Jimmy laughs)

"Yeah, I'm gonna break your hips."

Any other mundane things during sex?

(Woman) There's the ice-cream van.

(Jimmy) There's the ice-cream van?

Did you start going out with him

when you were a lot younger?

(Scottish accent)

"Oh, there's the ice-cream van."

"Sh, sh, sh, sh, shh.

Most natural thing in the world."

I had one the other week,

a guy came in with his wife.

They'd been married, like, 30 years

and she had said to him,

and she said she'd said it, OK?

She said to him, during sex,

she said,

"Now I've got your full attention,

let's talk about those curtains."

I wish I'd been him I would have gone,

"Curtains look fine."

Another one that comes up a lot,

"You're boring me."

Which my response would be,

"Yes, I am."

(Chuckles)

I don't know what this says

about us as a nation,

but one that comes up all the time from

audiences is, "Change channels."

Are we having sex

with the television on, people?

I think if someone

said "change channels" to me,

I would know they were talking

about the television,

but I would be very tempted to go,

"Thanks very much.

"I don't mind if I do."

Of course, the classic is,

"Ceiling needs doing."

Hopefully not in that voice.

"Ceiling needs doing."

To which my response would be,

"Yeah, I'm gonna fill your crack."

Gentlemen,

if you're in a long-term relationship

you'll be familiar

with this conversation.

It's the conversation that happens five

minutes after you think you've gone to sleep.

You know the one I mean?

TV's off, lights are off,

books are down,

everyone's washed their teeth.

You're in bed, "Night," "Night,"

"Love you," "Love you."

"Night."

"Night!"

Five minutes after that,

just as you're drifting off into sleep,

the most insecure voice

you've ever heard in your life,

out of the darkness, "If we broke up,

"would we still be friends?"

I said, "What do you mean, 'still'?"

I bought my girlfriend some lingerie,

it was her birthday,

and she'd hinted at the stuff she wanted,

so I went to,

I think it was Agent Provocateur,

for these fancy kind of

pants and bra and stuff.

- (Wolf-whistle)

- Well, quite right.

So she was quite impressed,

she opened it up on her birthday,

she was really into it.

She went, "Oh, these are beautiful, darling,

but they're not my size."

I said, "Don't worry, I've had a chat

with the woman in the shop

"and she says

you can have an operation."

I knew I had to lose some weight

in the last year.

It's a very sad day for any man

when his girlfriend suggests

he comes on his own tits.

Have you ever mixed up a fat person

and a pregnant person?

It's embarrassing, isn't it?

Especially if it's a fella.

I had a fat girl

come up to me recently after a gig,

well, I say a fat girl, she was either fat

or 18 months pregnant.

She was big.

Bubbly, you might say.

Not with an effervescent personality

that filled the room,

no, shaped like a bubble.

She was a comfort eater,

not eating for emotional comfort,

she was eating

till she was comfortable to sit on.

She wasn't a size zero

she was a shape zero.

She came up to me after...

Well, she pretty much surrounded me

and she said, "You're not

meant to use the term 'fat'."

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