Jimmy Carr: Making People Laugh Page #9

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I said "You're not meant

to eat cake for breakfast.

"You're not

meant to deep-fry Mars bars.

"And gravy isn't an energy drink."

And if I can't say "fat",

cos I wasn't using fat in a judgmental way,

I was just purely

being descriptive on stage,

I was using the word fat,

apparently I can't use the word fat now.

If I can't say "fat",

what term does she prefer?

Chunky monkey wobble slob?

Fatty-boom-batty?

Or blubbernaut?

And if you're offended

by any of those terms,

how about a salad?

I'm a bit, not distressed at,

but a little bit upset,

the term "real woman".

I used to really like the term

"real woman".

It meant a voluptuous,

fuller-figured, curvy,

beautiful, buxom, plump lady.

You would say, "She's a real woman."

It doesn't mean that any more.

Real woman is now a euphemism

for chunky monkey wobble slob.

You say, "She's a real woman,"

when you mean

"She's a really fat woman.

"She's dangerously close

to being two women."

Have you ever f***ed a girl so fat

you think it might count

as a threesome?

You know you're with a fat lass

when you find yourself

in the throes of passion, thinking,

"Is that boob or arm?

"I'll give it a lick, just to be sure."

A lot of people think horizontal stripes

make them look fat.

No.

What makes you look fat is being fat.

The only horizontal stripes

making you look fat

are the ones in Viennetta,

lasagne and sponge cake.

I had a fat girl come up to me

after a show,

a nice girl, she said,

"I enjoyed the jokes,

"but I'm a fat woman,

how do you think I feel?"

I said, "Squidgy."

I was asked recently, Glasgow,

by a proper publishing company.

They said to me, "Do you

want to write an autobiography?"

I've given it a bit of thought,

I've made notes,

I thought

we might go through the notes

and see whether it's a good idea

for me to write a book.

Just out of interest if I wrote a biography,

who here would buy it?

(Cheering)

Well, it might just be worthwhile,

you never know your luck.

I've been asked to write it,

so I've made notes.

My first thought when they said,

"Do you want to write a biography?"

Was, "I wish I'd kept a journal."

But I never kept a journal

because I'm not a fat Goth girl.

If you write one of these

cash-in-on-your-fame biographies,

you've got to talk about being famous.

Has fame changed me?

No. I've always been a bit of a c*nt.

It's a very odd thing, being famous.

I get this thing happen,

where about once a week,

someone will come up to me

in the street and go,

"I know you from somewhere,

did we go to school together?"

I've discovered there's no way

to say to another human being,

"No, we didn't go to school together

but do you own a television?"

Without sounding like

a total f***ing arsehole.

- (Man calls out)

- What, sorry?

Is that Buckfast? No, that's water.

You've probably heard of it.

(Applause)

(Man) Jimmy, who's the most famous

person you've ever met?

Who is the most famous person

I've ever met?

Well, I once met the, erm...

It's quite an impressive one,

I don't want to show off,

but, you know how villages

have got idiots, yeah?

I met the idiot

for the whole of Glasgow.

(Cheering and applause)

(Jimmy) Yes, he's, er...

One of the biggest c*nts

in the world, yeah.

- I married him.

- And you married him.

(Laughs)

That is again,

that will only happen in Glasgow.

You call someone a c*nt

and their wife goes, "Yep."

"Oh, don't I know."

(Laughs)

F***ing hell.

Yeah, I'll record it in Glasgow,

it'll be fine.

Really? Really?

(Cheering and whistling)

For me, big advantage

to being famous, as I see it,

is if I ever get Alzheimer's

I'm going to be absolutely fine.

If I ever forget who I am, I'll be fine

cos as I wander around town,

people are constantly going, "Oh, look,

it's Jimmy Carr. Oh, look, Jimmy Carr."

So if I forget my identity,

I'll be constantly reminded.

The down side

is that five per cent of the time

people get it wrong

and think I'm Alan Carr.

So once a week,

I'd end up back at the care home

sucking off an old fella.

I don't really like it.

Looks, let's talk about my looks.

(Wolf-whistle)

Well, could be worse,

it could've been a pop-up book.

Looking at me, you wouldn't think I was

voted the fourth sexiest man in Britain,

and you'd be right, I wasn't.

People often ask,

"How do you get the Jimmy Carr look?"

Well, get your mother to drink heavily

during pregnancy.

Sorry, mate, no offence.

I do look a little like Roger Federer,

and a lot like lan Beale's daughter

from EastEnders.

Yeah, I wish that wasn't funny.

I wish that didn't ring true,

but sadly it does, doesn't it?

It's an odd thing, being on TV,

being on stage in front of all you people,

it makes you more vain

than you should otherwise be.

I mean, I'm a 37-year-old man,

I shouldn't be vain at all.

I realise you can't polish a turd,

but you can roll it in glitter,

can't you?

You do the best with what you've got.

I always try and make the best of myself.

I try and dress well

and present myself well,

it only ever leads to embarrassment, vanity.

The first time

I did a room this size in London

my older brother came to the gig.

I've always looked up to him.

He came backstage, he didn't say anything

about the performance,

he just went,

"Are you wearing make-up?"

And to my eternal shame I went,

"No, it's tinted moisturiser."

I couldn't have sounded gayer to him

with two c*cks in my mouth.

Let's talk about my career.

I've got a terrible boss,

I'm self-employed

and I'm currently

on sexual harassment charges.

On the other hand, you are looking at

employee of the month.

How can I explain what it's like?

You know when you walk past

an electrical goods store

and they've got all the TVs in the store

hooked up to one camera,

and you do that weird thing of

waving at yourself as you walk by?

And there's an odd moment

where you go,

"Well, I don't want to stop waving

because I'm still waving."

That's what Channel 4 is like for me.

I'm like their f***ing screensaver.

For the moment,

it's just stand-up and TV for me,

my acting career

has been put on hold.

That was a decision taken by you,

the British public.

A lot of comedians

that I started with

have now gone to Hollywood to make

movies. Great. Well done, them.

But there's something called loyalty,

and there's something else called

a lack of talent and no offers.

I've just noticed... Shh!

Can you all just keep

a little bit quiet for a second?

I've just noticed there's a man

over there in a blue jumper,

I think he might be asleep,

if you could just keep quiet around him.

Just shush, shush.

Oh, f***, he's woken.

F***!

(Whispers) Hello.

You're having a f***ing weird dream,

aren't you?

I wouldn't fall asleep again,

something very bad will happen.

I was going to tea-bag him. Sh*t.

It's annoying, isn't it?

(Cheering and whistling)

Sounds like it would have been

a very popular choice.

What's your name?

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