Jimmy Carr - Laughing and Joking

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(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Jimmy Carr!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thanks very much.

Good.

Good.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CONTINUES)

That's...

...far too kind.

Well, let's crack on, shall we?

Good evening. Are you Well?

- AUDIENCE:
Yes!

- Fantastic.

I've been described

as the hardest-working man in comedy.

Not that impressive, is it?

The hardest-working man in comedy.

That's like being the best-looking guy

in the burns unit.

(LAUGHTER)

No offence to any burns victims

We've got in.

Are there any in'?

If there's one, there'll be f***ing loads.

They tend to stick together.

(LAUGHTER)

And We're off!

(LAUGHTER)

Someone came up to me outside and went,

"I thought you'd be younger."

I said ."I was"

(LAUGHTER)

I'm 40 years of age,

but girls still check me out.

I wouldn't mind but they're so bloody

obvious about it, pointing and Whispering.

(WHISPERS) "Stranger danger."

(LAUGHTER)

Every night after the show,

I have attractive Women

banging on my dressing room door.

And, sometimes, I let 'em out.

(LAUGHTER)

Are there any comedy groupies

in here this evening?

Any gag hags? Any chuckle f***ers?

The only reason I ask is

if any girls come up to me after the show,

looking for sex,

I'm going to have to disappoint you.

I mean, we can have sex...

(LAUGHTER)

...just it will be quite disappointing.

I wouldn't lie to you, it would be like

throwing a sausage up an alleyway.

(LAUGHTER)

More information

than some of you wanted. OK.

I'm a stand-up comedian, a TV host,

an actor and a writer.

People ask me, "What's your secret?"

I'm the M4 rapist. Ssh!

It's a joke!

I have never been wrongly accused of rape.

(LAUGHTER)

We all like a laugh, yes?

- AUDIENCE:
Yes!

- That's the one thing

we've all got in common in this room -

we all like a laugh.

It's a very British thing, I think,

to come out, of an evening,

with the express intention

of just having a laugh.

Here's a great fact about this country -

the average person in Great Britain

laughs out loud ten times a day.

Not everyone, obviously.

If you work in a hospice

or with learning-disabled adults,

it could be ten times that.

(LAUGHTER)

The sky's the limit!

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, that's my laugh, which is...

Someone said my laugh was Weird.

My laugh isn't Weird, it's wrong.

Cos you're meant to laugh

on an out breath, aren't you?

You're meant to laugh on a "Ha-ha!"

"Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

I laugh on an in breath,

so it's, "Ah-ah! Ah-ah!"

(LAUGHTER)

Sounds like a goose being interfered With!

(LAUGHTER)

Someone asked me the other day,

"Is it fake?"

Why would you fake that?!

(LAUGHTER)

"Ah-ah! Ah-ah!"

They say that laughter

is the best medicine,

so maybe, just maybe,

if we all keep laughing

at people in wheelchairs...

(LAUGHTER)

I'm a dreamer, what can I tell you?

I was at a show recently...

I don't know

if anyones had this experience.

I was at a show, watching a band, and...

Standing just under the fire escape,

watching a band play,

pint on with a mate, relaxing,

and a lady from the venue

came up to us -

in the little waistcoat

and the little name badge -

came up and Went,

"Excuse me, you're going to have to move.

"Because, if there's a fire,

you're blocking the exit."

I said, "I tell you what, love.

If there's a fire, I'll move."

(LAUGHTER)

'King retard.

(LAUGHTER)

What did she think I was going to do

in the event of a fire?

Just stand there, going, "Nobody move!

"Why has everything gone orangey and

hot? I don't like it!"

Oh, mobile phones off. I should have

said that at the top of the show.

Mobile phones off as a courtesy

to the other patrons in the auditorium.

I say "mobile phones" -

What I mean there is "phones".

No-one's brought a land-line, have they?

And let's face facts,

the land line is dead.

When the land line goes in our house,

there's panic!

"Sh*t the bed, who the f*** is that?

We're both here."

(LAUGHTER)

A lot of people text whilst driving.

I'm not excusing it, but We've all done

things we regret when We're drunk.

(LAUGHTER)

I saw a thing on the news

that said that bad drivers are going to

get on-the-spot 100 fines.

I thought, "That's a bit sexist."

(LAUGHTER)

Did you understand that?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(BABY VOICE) Yes, you did!

(LAUGHTER)

(BABY VOICE) Yes, you did!

I'm not being sexist. How could I be'?

Some of my best friends are slags.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS)

Now, is this sexist?

You can be the judge on this.

Sorry for being rude.

But do you think chat-up lines are sexist?

No, they're not. They are fun, right?

I mean, they're cheesy, but they're meant

to be cheesy, that is their charm.

What's that one? I like that one,

"Get your coat,

"it's cold in the boot of my car."

(LAUGHTER)

I don't know if this has happened to you.

I was checking into a hotel recently.

It's about one o'clock in the morning,

after a gig up in Manchester.

Walked into the reception area

and the guy recognised me and went,

"Oh, Mr Carr,

we've put you in a disabled room."

(LAUGHTER)

I said, "Right, What's the difference

"between a normal room

and a disabled room?" And he said

"The disabled room's

got a walk-in shower."

(LAUGHTER)

That's taking the f***ing piss, isn't it?!

(LAUGHTER)

I've got a question for you,

ladies and gentlemen.

Does anyone in this room

believe in the supernatural?

Ghosts and spirits and the like?

AUDIENCE Yes!

Quite a lot of you. It's actually easy

to tell if your house is haunted.

It isn't.

(LAUGHTER)

Grow up.

(LAUGHTER)

That's me being cynical,

but that's this job.

Being a stand-up comedian, I think,

makes you a bit of a cynic.

Has anyone in here actually seen a ghost?

- (WOMAN WHOOPS)

- Well, go on, what did you see, Madam?

Tell us the story.

(LAUGHTER)

And there was no-one there!

(LAUGHTER)

Go on, what did you see?

WOMAN:
I'm not telling you now,

you've made me nervous.

"I'm... I'm not..."

I make you nervous?

You've seen the undead...

(LAUGHTER)

...and I make you nervous?

(APPLAUSE)

Doesn't really show me in a good light,

does it?

Go on, where were you

when you saw the apparition?

I was in, um, a friend's house.

You were in a friend's house?

- Yeah.

- Right.

And her stepfather was...

Her stepfather was what, sorry?

(LAUGHTER)

I think I may have

cracked this case already.

(LAUGHTER)

There's a stepfather involved.

(LAUGHTER)

Was there "ectoplasm"?

(LAUGHTER)

Go on, what happened? Were you

upstairs?

- Were you...?

- I was in his son's bedroom.

You were in his son's bedroom.

(LAUGHTER)

Course you were, love.

Go on.

He Wasn't there but, um,

he died at the same time

as I started seeing this weird sh*t

and I woke her up, basically.

He had died?

You should have mentioned that sooner.

(LAUGHTER)

And then you started seeing weird sh*t?

- (LAUGHTER)

- I'm loving this.

There's a special name for people

that have seen ghosts.

- Schizophrenic.

- (LAUGHTER)

All the best with your future.

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