Jimmy Carr - Laughing and Joking Page #2

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(LAUGHS)

Quite an in-depth story.

I'll leave it at that -

stepfather did something terrible...

and you've recoded that memory.

Of course, not all fat people are jolly.

Some of them are women.

(LAUGHTER)

You shouldn't be mean.

Fat girls have got feelings.

Mainly, they're hungry!

(LAUGHTER)

It's only a joke, isn't it?

It's only a bit of fun!

I told it the other night

and a girl got up and walked out.

Well, waddled out.

(LAUGHTER)

I presume offended,

possibly just peckish.

(LAUGHTER)

Whenever I'm in the changing rooms

at the gym,

I'm always embarrassed by the fact

my penis is so much bigger

than everyone else's.

But then, in fairness, it is erect.

(LAUGHTER)

Islamic fundamentalist sex dolls -

do they blow themselves up?

(LAUGHTER)

In Palestinian passports,

under "Occupation,"

do they just put, "Israel"?

(LAUGHTER AND GROANS)

That joke is only there to test

where the Guardian readers are sitting.

(LAUGHTER)

No further questions,

back to the knob gags.

I do talk about sex a lot in my show.

I talk about sex all the time on stage

and a friend called me on it recently.

He came to see the gig and he Went,

"You talk about sex all the time.

Are you obsessed?"

I said, "Well, I'm not obsessed." But sex

is the great universal topic for comedy.

It's still quite taboo to talk about it

openly in public.

Everyone's interested,

everyone cranes forward

and there's a lot of tension around sex,

and Where you find that kind of tension,

that's also a great place

to find laughter,

so sex is a great topic for comedy.

But it's difficult to stand

in front of you good people

and talk about sex Without sounding crude.

So, to try and mitigate that,

to try and alleviate that, this evening,

if I refer to a vagina at any point,

I'll be calling it a twinkle cave.

(LAUGHTER)

As in, "So there I was,

licking out her twinkle cave..."

(LAUGHTER)

"...while she deep-throated

my tummy banana."

(LAUGHTER)

It's nice to be nice, isn't it?

I saw a woman wearing a top,

it said "Super-dry" on the front...

(LAUGHTER)

I said, "Have you thought

about lubricants or HRT?"

(LAUGHTER)

"Maybe a little bit of Aussie charm?"

Are you familiar with the term

"Aussie charm"? It just means... (SPITS)

...one of those.

(LAUGHTER)

Australian charm - you're welcome.

A very pleasing look from the ladies

of London, as if to say,

"Well, I didn't know that had a name

but, yes, that does happen."

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS)

My girlfriend bought a T-shirt for 80.

That's a ridiculous amount to spend

on a T-shirt, am I right?

It said D&G on the front.

I suppose, fair enough,

one of her tits is bigger than the other.

(LAUGHTER)

(HIGH-PITCHED HONK)

(LOW-PITCHED HONK)

(LAUGHTER)

I thought my girlfriend was a slag when

she told me I was her thirty-second lover.

And then I realised

she was talking about time.

(LAUGHTER)

There is a minimum comprehension level-

you may be asked to leave.

I'm sorry.

(LAUGHTER)

My ideal woman would be a single mum...

once I'd finished with her.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANS)

It's a joke! I'd pay for the abortion!

(LAUGHTER)

Ah, got you again! I f***ing wouldn't.

(LAUGHTER)

Let's talk about something

a little bit more serious.

It can't all be slapstick abortion stuff.

Um...

(LAUGHTER)

My first Wife was from Thailand.

(MAN CHEERS)

Well, don't, cos you'll feel bad.

It's actually quite a sad story.

My first Wife was from Thailand

and she died...

of testicular cancer.

(LAUGHTER)

Probably the best way I could describe it

is her twinkle cave was an outie.

(LAUGHTER)

I saw a transvestite in a miniskirt.

I thought, "That shows a lot of balls."

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS) Let's hear from all

the heterosexual men in the room.

Give us a shout, all the heterosexual men.

(MEN CHEER AND WHISTLE)

I'm guessing, from that expression...

(LAUGHTER)

"I can't remember

which one heterosexual is."

(LAUGHTER)

"I've not taking a chance,

maybe this is how they recruit them!"

(LAUGHTER)

The most annoying thing my sister does

is that show, Chatty Man.

(LAUGHTER)

That's the most annoying heckle

that I get at gigs.

I like it when people join in,

I like a bit of a heckle and a bit of fun.

But the most annoying one I get

is when I set up a joke,

just about to do the punch line

and then someone goes -

invariably, it's the same thing,

it's always, "Where's Alan? Where's Alan?"

It is not my, like, bite noise,

it's just a bit annoying. "Where's Alan?"

MAN:
Where's Alan?

- (LAUGHTER)

- He's at your house, f***ing your dad.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I think we all knew...

Including him,

I think we all knew that was a trap.

(LAUGHTER)

I could feel you, as one,

going, "Hold, hold, hold"

And then one brave soul

over there said, "No.

"I'm taking one for the team."

Or rather your dad is!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Of course, not all gay people

are happy, camp and fun.

Some of them are lesbians.

(LAUGHTER)

If you're a lesbian

and you didn't find that funny,

you're surprising no-one.

(LAUGHTER)

Are there any lesbians in?

No, my gaydar is pretty much

honed in on this...

this pair clown here.

Hello, how are you two'?

- You all right?

- Yeah.

I presume you're a couple.

- Married, yes.

- You're married?

Oh, congratulations.

Fabulous. How long you been married?

Since October.

Since October?

My God, it's new and fresh.

Have you even finished

consummating the relationship?

No.

You don't know when you're finished,

do you? That's one of the problems...

(LAUGHTER)

...with your lifestyle choice.

"We'll just put that on hold,

we'll be back in a minute."

(LAUGHTER)

So you're married,

you're committed to each other.

Well, it's maybe a crazy question

to ask you

because you're in this long-term

relationship and you love each other,

but what would it take

to get you back on solids?

(LAUGHTER)

Quite a lot.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

She's a definite no and you're a maybe.

OK, good.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS) I love my job. I tell you What,

I'm going to do a test

and see whether We've got

any other sisters in the room,

see if there's any other lesbians.

"Sisters." Like I'm a lesbian -

I've got the haircut, come on!

(LAUGHTER)

I look a bit like K.D. Lang,

I could get away with it.

(LAUGHTER)

I'll test the heterosexuality

of the other ladies in the room,

just a simple question to test this.

Ladies, have you read

Fifty Shades Of Grey?

- WOMEN:
Yes!

- You've all read that book?

You love that book! I would describe Fifty

Shades Of Grey as the ultimate flick book.

(LAUGHTER)

It was the best selling book last year.

What's the world coming to?

(LAUGHTER)

It was the best selling book last year.

I can prove it -

last year, wettest on record.

(LAUGHTER)

I think it's a very interesting book

because,

although it's not a great piece

of literature, it's more gusset typing...

(LAUGHTER)

...it's interesting

because it's pornography for ladies.

That's what it is, right?

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