Jimmy Carr - Laughing and Joking Page #3

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And, men, that book is in our houses,

isn't it?

Fifty Shades Of Grey is in our house

and We've not even picked it up.

We're not looking at your pornography,

ladies.

We're not interested

in your kind of pornography.

We're very happy with the service

broadband is providing.

(LAUGHTER)

Ladies consume pornography

in a very different way to men.

The genders are very different

in our consumption of pornography.

Here's a fact, gentlemen,

that will blow your minds

about Womans consumption of

pornography.

Women watch porn films...

to the end.

(LAUGHTER)

You know why'?

To see if they get married.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, it's probably as good a time as any

to talk about

how political correctness works

in stand-up comedy.

Because some people think

it's a free-for-all -

you can say whatever you want because of

freedom of speech. That is not the case.

There are rules and regulations

that govern what I do.

Basically, how political correctness works

in stand-up comedy is,

if you are directly affected

by something or involved in something,

you get a free pass -

you're allowed to joke about that thing.

So, for example, homosexual people

can joke about being gay.

Disabled people can joke about disability.

Black or Asian people can joke about race.

Those are the rules.

So, these two paedophiles

Walk into a park...

(LAUGHTER)

Child abuse - there's a touchy subject!

(LAUGHTER)

I saw a headline in the paper, it said,

"Police smash paedophile ring."

(LAUGHTER)

I thought, "Good,

let's see how they f***ing like it."

(LAUGHTER)

Have we got any teachers in this evening?

Give us a shout, any teachers.

- (CHEERING)

- Oh, loads of teachers in.

You Work bloody hard, don't you, teachers?

Half the year, five hours a day. Phew!

(LAUGHTER)

I'm not knocking it, I could never do

What you people do for a living.

Not because it's difficult -

I wouldn't pass a ORB check.

(LAUGHTER)

I've actually got a bit of

a soft spot for teachers.

I used to go out with a teacher

and she was lovely.

But if ever I wanted sex,

she always insisted

I put my hand up first.

(LAUGHTER)

- That is ruder than it first appears.

- (LAUGHTER)

You're welcome.

(LAUGHTER)

Have we got any special needs teachers

in'?

- (SCATTERED WHOOPING)

- Oh, there was a whore over there.

- What's your name, madam?

- Danielle.

Very nice to have you in. All I was going

to say about special needs teachers

is you are the best and the brightest,

in my humble opinion.

The best and the brightest teachers.

Because... I can prove it.

We all know teachers socially, yes?

- AUDIENCE:
Yes.

- Everyone knows teachers.

Teachers are always moaning on about,

"Oh, I've got homework

to mark this evening."

Not you, eh, Danielle?

(LAUGHTER)

You're not grading potato paintings,

are you? F*** it!

(LAUGHTER)

Your evenings are your own - fair play.

(LAUGHTER)

Was that a little "Yay"?

- (LAUGHTER)

- I can see the other teachers looking.

"I'm f***ing annoyed,

I didn't think of that!"

(LAUGHTER)

What, sorry?

- WOMAN:
I used to teach at your school.

- You used to teach at my school?

- At Burnham.

- At Burnham Grammar?

Did you...? Not when I was there, surely?

- Obviously not.

- No.

Unless you moisturise a lot.

Where are you from?

(LAUGHTER)

I'm from Belfast, but...

You're from... You're from Belfast? Right.

BELFAST ACCENT:
"Ginger and

community!"

(LAUGHTER)

Farfan-farfar-far?

(LAUGHTER)

Farfan-farfar-far?

Aouf-ao-ao?

I was just saying what you said to me

back. I don't...

(LAUGHTER)

Well, how come you're teaching over here,

then?

Are you in the Witness relocation scheme?

What the f*** happened?

(LAUGHTER)

F***ing grass!

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS)

What do you teach? what subject?

- What? Sorry?

- English.

English?

You can barely f***ing pronounce.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I did Countdown recently - the TV show,

not Dracula's special-needs brother.

One for the staff room.

And I got asked when I did Countdown,

when I did Countdown

I got asked by every man that I know,

everyone asked me, "How fit

is that Rachel Riley off of Countdown?

"How attractive is she,

when you meet her?"

And it Wasn't like a rhetorical question,

they wanted me to answer.

And I thought,

"Well, I should be able to say

"how attractive a work colleague

and a friend is Without sounding

"misogynistic,

Without being sexist, shouldn't I?"

Let me... You be the judge.

Rachel Riley, let me put it this way,

I would crawl over broken glass to suck

the cock of the last man that f***ed her.

I don't think that's overstating it.

Ha ha-ha!

I'd like to f*** her brains out-

it'd take ages.

Ha-ha.

Now, I should warn you there will be some

audience participation this evening.

Apologies. And the only reason I mention

it explicitly is because sometimes,

when I ask someone a direct question,

they get a bit flustered.

I think it's because

they're used to seeing me on TV,

so then, when I ask them

a direct question,

they get a bit,

"What the f*** is going on?

"I didn't press the red button.

It's gone all f***ing interactive."

I got a guy wonderfully flustered

the other day.

Front and centre, Where you're sitting.

I went, "Are you married or single?"

He went, "Single." And the girl

next to him went, "He isn't."

How could you f*** that up'?!

There was a lovely little pause and

he went, "I think I might be single now."

Who's seen me live before?

Give us a shout.

AUDIENCE Yeah.

Well, you'll know that every year

my friend Chris does illustrations for me,

for jokes that I write

that I think are a bit esoteric,

that require a visual element to be fully

enjoyed. Would you like to see them?

AUDIENCE Yes.

Well, good,

otherwise he'd be f***ing gutted

and we'd be having some quiet time.

Which would be sh*t.

I'll show you some.

Obviously we'll kick off with some

thoughts and ideas that I've had recently.

Right, so, if you like looking at flowers

but you can't be arsed with gardening,

simply run down a kid outside your house.

(GROANING)

I can't believe you didn't think of it.

On Bonfire Night, I hope our neighbours

keep their pets locked up,

because there's something about fireworks

that makes me really horny.

You don't get many homeless gay men, which

is a shame because they'd be f***ing bums.

I was outside a nightclub recently and

I discovered that women can be bouncers

if you're travelling fast enough

when you mount the pavement.

The thing I worry about

when I hear kids in the Third World

are working 18 hours a day

to make my trainers is

when are they going to get a chance

to finish my f***ing laptop?

I was in a hotel having breakfast

and the Waiter said to me,

"Do you want white or brown toast?"

I said, "All toast is brown.

You're thinking of bread."

At any one time,

a bowl of nuts on a bar will have

17 different types of urine on them.

- (GROANING)

- And that's why they're called peanuts.

(LAUGHTER)

Wayne Rooney wears the number 10 shirt.

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