Jimmy Carr - Laughing and Joking Page #4

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Or as he calls it,

"The stick and the circle."

(LAUGHTER)

All the celebrities get plastic surgery

these days.

Coleen Rooney's just had some Work

done on her arsehole.

He's had a hair transplant.

My friend reckons football violence

and regressive behaviour are triggered

by primitive tribal rivalries

which are projected onto opposing teams

and then expressed through

exaggerated displays of loyalty.

But he's a lying Gooner twat,

so he can suck my f***ing cock.

All that groaning and grunting in Womans

tennis - it reminds me of sex.

In that I'm watching it happen on screen

whilst masturbating.

To explain spot fixing in cricket,

it's what happens when something

I don't understand

is done by someone I've never heard of

in the middle of something

I couldn't give a f*** about.

Spiders used to give me nightmares.

Anyone else?

AUDIENCE Yeah.

So I've stopped eating them

just before bedtime.

Of course the worst thing about

being bitten by a poisonous spider

is that you're probably Australian.

Are there any Australians in?

- Yay!

- Welcome back.

I don't like zoos.

I prefer to see lions, tigers, elephants

and bears in their natural environment.

The circus!

Is anyone here afraid of clowns?

- Yes.

- Are you afraid of clowns, sir?

There's actually a special name

for people that are afraid of clowns.

Mummy's little benders.

Ha ha-ha!

This may interest you, though.

Clowns have to register

their facial design

to make sure that other sex offenders

don't use it.

Dwarves...

...often get overlooked.

(LAUGHTER)

I can say that - they look up to me.

Can we treat ourselves

to another dwarf jokes'?

I tell you what I know about dwarves -

very little.

Come on)

Here's a random fact.

It's random, but it's true.

One in ten British kids

is now conceived in an IKEA bed.

True. How it works is their parents

insert flap A into slot B

and then screw until the nuts tighten.

Ha-ha ha-ha.

In 2009, Nadya Suleman of California

gave birth to octuplets,

two daughters and six sons,

earning her the nickname Octomum.

Although she's also known as

Gigantosnatch.

Those babies were walking before she was.

(GROANING)

(APPLAUSE)

Ha-ha!

I think the men in the room

will be able to relate to this.

My girlfriend always wants to stay in

and watch Downton Abbey.

But I want to go out

and get a new girlfriend!

I thought it'd be OK for me

to have sex with other Women

because my girlfriend and I

were on a break.

But, apparently, I ruined

that weekend at Center Parcs.

I was going to tell you a story

about the poshest place I have ever been.

I got invited last year to Clarence House,

Where Charles and Camilla live

in central London. I got invited.

I'm involved in this hospice charity

cos I'm such

a f***ing terrific guy.

Not because I was press-ganged into it.

No, no, no!

Maybe a little.

Anyway, I'm involved in this thing.

So Camilla is the patron

of this great charity.

So she organized, like, drinks

and a concert and dinner in her home

to, you know, thank the corporate sponsors

and to get more people

to donate money, raise a bit of money,

raise awareness, that son of thing.

In her home, though,

she put on this event.

So We're all in her front room.

Literally Charles and Camillas

front room.

It's the most ornate... Like, high,

beautiful ceilings and they've got a telly

and a couch in the corner,

like normal people might have,

but every square inch of mantelpiece

and shelf and sideboard

has got a beautiful object on it

that they've been given

by visiting dignitaries,

or they've picked up

on their extensive travels of the World.

It's a very intimidating space to be in.

So We're all standing there having a drink

and she's coming round

saying hello to everyone.

And she gets to me. And because

I'm a dick, as I feel We've established...

...she gets to me and goes,

"Oh, how are you involved?"

And I went, "Never mind about that.

Have you seen Cash In The Attic?

"Cos We're sitting on a gold mine here."

And to her credit, it's absolutely true,

she went,

"Yes," winked and f***ed off. Brilliant.

I did another weird Royal thing last year.

I did the Jubilee.

Did anyone see the Jubilee?

- Yeah.

- I did a little thing

Where I had to introduce

Grace Jones in a Hula Hoop.

Nice work if you can get it.

In order to do that, I had to get past

security at Buckingham Palace.

Here's what it consisted of.

So I met an armed police officer.

his only job is to guard our Queen,

to make sure that no-one steals our Queen

and uses her head to photocopy it and make

their own money and stamps. I don't know.

So I walked up to this armed

police officer outside Buckingham Place.

I said, "Security?" He Went, "Yeah."

Here's his question.

He said, "Are you an al-Qaeda?"

I Went, "No."

"As you were."

I thought, "This guy seems fun."

So I asked him.

I said, "Does anything funny ever happen

when you're rolling with the Queen."

He said, "Yeah. I'll tell you this story.

Has to be in confidence though."

I said, "You can trust me."

(LAUGHTER)

Ha-ha ha-ha!

He is not a good judge of character.

I'm also in Al-Qaeda. No, I'm not.

Or am I? No.

(CHUCKLES)

But...

So... So he told me this story.

He said the Queen..,.

Her whole entourage,

she travels with about 15 people,

they went up to Glasgow last year.

She was opening a drop-in centre

for homeless alcoholics -

of course in Glasgow,

Where else would you f***ing put it?!

It's very much ground zero

for homeless alcoholics.

It's their biggest export.

So the Queen's there and she's cutting

through the ribbon like a f***ing ninja

and all the usual suspects are there.

There's the mayor,

there's the local dignitaries,

there's the chairman of the charity,

the people that work in the local office.

And they've got a couple of the homeless

guys, the alcoholic homeless guys

from Glasgow, that the charity has helped

in other locations, suited and booted,

washed and brushed,

there to meet the Queen,

so that she could see the people

that had benefited

from her kind works. Lovely.

So the Queen, as we all know,

has only got one bit of shtick,

which is the question, what do you do?

That's her only question. She doesn't

point like that - that would be mental.

But...that's her only question -

What do you do?

That's all she asks.

She said to a Scottish, alcoholic,

homeless man...

...what do you do?

And he came back,

rather epically I feel, with,

"Same as you - nothing!"

Apparently she was f***ing terrified.

A friend of mine quite recently -

a couple of months ago -

got proper, old-school, flashed.

Guy in a mac, at dusk, in a park -

one of those.

Sorry, I've added that.

I don't...

I don't know if he did that.

You would though, wouldn't you?

You'd give it a bit of cock slap.

You'd probably treat her to the Windmill,

wouldn't you?

hoo yay WV'-!

Anyway, she got proper old-school flashed

and she shouted, "Rape!"

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