Jimmy Carr - Laughing and Joking Page #5

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I thought, "Don't give him ideas.

"Don't Workshop it, you f***ing lunatic."

Has anyone in here been flashed?

WOMAN:
Yeah.

Go on, what happened, madam?

Is it a funny story, or is it distressing?

I was in a club and this guy flashed me.

- In a club?

- Yeah.

In a club and someone flashed you

in the club?

Yes.

Are you sure you didn't get off

with a man in a club?

No.

"I was kissing him and I undid his zip

and then he flashed me."

Go on, what happened?

Tell me the story.

It was in the middle of the dance floor.

Middle of the dance floor

and he was throwing some shapes.

And one of his was...

No, my friend told him

that we were lesbians

- to get rid of him.

- So, to get rid of the guy,

- your friend told him you were lesbians?

- Yes. That's how these two started,

but then...

they liked it so they stuck with it.

And did that Work?

No, she said, "We don't like cock."

And then he...

She said, "We don't like cock"?

So, sorry? So, someone got

his cock out in the middle

of the dance floor in a club

and you Went,

"Oh, no, sorry, We're lesbians."

You could have just told him to f*** off.

You're incredibly polite.

"I'll make up an excuse

so he doesn't feel bad. I...

"I don't want the flasher

to feel rejected."

How nice are you'?

- And has anyone else been flashed?

- MAN:
Yeah.

ANOTHER MAN:
I got arrested for flashing.

- You got arrested for flashing?

- Yeah.

Well, don't take it out on me.

(LAUGHTER)

What do you mean,

you got arrested for flashing?

Well, I was going for a piss.

You were going for a piss.

This sounds like bullshit to me.

You were going for a piss.

Where were you going for a piss?

Set the scene for us. I've never met

anyone that's flashed. Go on.

Going for a piss in a primary school.

- It was in a car park...

- (LAUGHTER)

- Got in a car park, OK.

- Outside.

In a car park, outside,

you're going for a piss.

Caught short. Late at night.

- Fine. OK.

- Yeah.

And, er, I needed a piss.

So I went up against a tree.

- You went up against a tree.

- Yeah.

Turned out it Wasn't a tree,

it was a fat girl?

Go on. So you walked up to a tree

to take a pee in a car park.

This doesn't sound terrible.

So far, I'm on this guy's side.

Go on.

So there was a woman in the trees.

There was a woman in the trees?

Sounds like you've broken dogging

etiquette by pissing on someone.

So you went up to take a piss on a tree

and there was a woman in the tree?

No, she was Walking. There was a pathway.

- She was Walking. OK.

- And it was outside a police station.

And it was outside a police station.

What kind of a f***ing idiot are you?!

You went for a piss

in the police station car park?

Why didn't you just turn yourself in?

That's a cry for help if ever I heard one.

"Lock me up before I hurt someone."

And what...

Did she scream? Did she...?

- what happened?

- No, she went into the police station

and they came out and arrested me

for indecent exposure.

They came out

and arrested you for indecent...

Is it because you're a bit ginger?

Do you think they would have let you off

if you hadn't been quite as...?

I'm sorry about these lights as well.

We could well be giving you skin cancer.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I don't...

I think I'm on your side there.

If you were taking a piss,

that's not indecent exposure, is it?

What do we think?

Are we on this guy's side?

ALL:
Yeah.

There's one man, "No."

Stop pissing outside, you crazy fool.

But...

Cos there was a woman in

the other night with a story. She said,

"Oh, I got flashed." And then she told me

this story and I Wasn't sure.

She said, "I got flashed."

I said, "Has anyone got flashed?"

She said, "I got flashed in Disneyland."

I said, "I'm all ears."

(APPLAUSE)

She said, "I was in Disneyland Florida.

"I was walking in past the hotels

in Disneyland and into the park.

"And I looked up at one of the hotels

"and the guy was opening

his bedroom curtains, flashed me."

I said, "No, he didn't.

You are a Peeping Tom."

My girlfriend wants a diamond ring.

And the only reason I know that is it's

pretty much all she f***ing talks about.

Let's face facts. The only Way

my girlfriend's getting a diamond ring

is if the vajazzler slips.

I don't really understand the vajazzle.

I mean, I know what a vajazzle is.

I know what it is.

They whip away all

the hair from your fou fou

and then they diamant it.

I say "they"

I imagine you can get some Pritt Stick

and glitter and have a crack yourself.

Have a sparkly crack yourself,

you're welcome. Um...

I just don't know who that's for.

I've never met a man who said to me,

"Oh, I love vagina...

"...but I wish they were

a bit more zhooshie.

"A bit more sparkles wouldn't go amiss.

I want a glamour puss.

"A showbiz entrance."

Has anyone had a vajazzle?

- WOMEN:
Yes.

- She has.

What... what motif did you go for, madam?

I actually had a heart cos I was

a little bit embarrassed to ask for one.

You had a heart because

you were embarrassed to ask for...?

- Like, something spectacular.

- You were embarrassed

to ask for something spectacular?!

So, you were fine with

someone putting glitter on your fanny,

but you went,

"I don't want to ask for

anything embarrassing."

How adorable. And was it for

a special occasion, or was it just...'?

- No, I just thought, "Why not?"

- You thought, "Why not?"

Well, plenty of f***ing reasons.

Basic hygiene.

Your boyfriend could chip a tooth.

Ha-ha-ha! And it was definitely a proper

vajazzle, not a Liverpool vajazzle,

which is just a euphemism for herpes?

(GROANS AND LAUGHTER)

Ha-ha-ha!

- Has anyone else come across a vajazzle?

- MAN:
He has.

He has?

Not hers, I hope.

- Go on, what did they have?

- Um, I can't remember.

I was my stag do.

You can't remember, it was your stag do?

(GROANING)

Ooh-ooh...

You can't remember anything?

Sounds like a Liverpool vajazzle to me.

"No, love, I don't know what happened.

It's just really itchy."

F***ing hell!

Obviously I could never get a vajazzle

because I don't have a vajayjay.

But I would consider glitter balls.

You know, for a special occasion.

Oh, speaking of special occasions,

there was a couple in,

a couple of weeks ago at one of my gigs,

35 years married.

I got chatting cos I thought, "Quite

an incredible thing in this day and age."

I got chatting. I said, "What did you get

her for the anniversary?" And he said,

"Deep-fat fryer."

I said, "Well, what did she get you?"

And he Went, "Chips."

And they seemed thrilled

with that arrangement.

It got me chatting to people about

What is the worst gift you've ever got?

Birthday, anniversary,

Christmas, Valentine's -

What is the worst piece of sh*t

you ever got?

(INDISTINCT RESPONSES)

Ahem, We've had a heckle. Go on,

What was that, sir? A little bit louder.

MAN:
Tickets to this show.

AUDIENCE; Ooh!

No, that's fine.

What's your name?

- What? Sorry?

- MAN:
Toby.

Toby, do you mind me

sharing with the group?

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