Jimmy Carr - Laughing and Joking Page #6

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- TOBY:
Go for it.

- Thank you very much indeed, Toby.

That makes it much easier,

cos there's a heckle.

It was quite a good heckle,

quite a funny heckle,

but we have to do a heckle put-down now.

God.

I would love if I could just let it go,

but I can't.

There are rules.

But you don't mind me sharing with

the group so it makes it much easier.

We can go old-school.

- ANOTHER MAN:
Stop stalling.

- What? Sorry?

- Stop stalling.

- Stop stalling?

Don't panic, sir.

I've got this.

I'll have to put you on arsehole waiting.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha.

Toby's mum...

...is ...is so fat......

she's a f***ing disgrace, Toby.

Your mum is such

a chunky-monkey-wobble-slob,

fatty, boom-blatty, blubbernaut,

she's so f***ing fat,

when she fell down the stairs,

I thought EastEnders had finished.

Boom, boom, boom-boom,

boom, ba-ba-ba-bum.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

True story.

Ahem...

You, sir.

What did you say?

What was it? Stop stalling?

Yeah? What's your name?

(AMERICAN ACCENT) Gary.

Are you trying to say Gary?

Watch me. (Ba-w.

Ngyergh. Ngyergh. Ngyergh.

...the f*** is that?!

Well, Gary, if you want my comeback,

you'll have to scrape it

off your mum's teeth.

(GASPING)

Uh-huh! Ha, ha-ha!

Worst gifts?

What's the worst gift?

- What, sorry?

- WOMAN:
A bread maker.

You got a bread maker?

I've..

Your husband bought you a bread maker.

What a f***ing arsehole!

No, I just hate the whole concept

cos bread makers...

I bet he spent like 200 quid

on a bread maker.

That's convenient, isn't it?!

Cos you don't live near shops

and bread isn't f***ing cheap

Oh, I'll just make my own. That's fine.

Cos the ingredients cost more than

a loaf of bread, but don't worry about it.

So, what did you get him?

(SHE RESPONDS, INAUDIBLE)

Instead of an engagement ring, you...?

(AUDIENCE GASPS AND LAUGHS)

You got a bread maker

instead of an engagement ring?

(GASPS CONTINUE)

You broke up with him, right?

You've just divorced him?

- Yay!

- (APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

Why did you go through with marrying

him?

I mean, that must have been

f***ing awkward in the office. Oh...

"Look at this!"

"Ooh, it's a nice one! Sparkly!"

You poor thing.

Any other bad gifts?

- (SEVERAL PEOPLE SHOUT)

- You got What, sorry?

MAN:
A dog pooper-scooper.

A dog pooper-scooper?

Do you have a dog?

MAN:
At the time, yes.

At the time, yes'?

What the f*** have you done

with your dog, dude?

What happened to your dog?

- MAN:
I don't have him any more.

- You don't have him any more?

(GASPS) Toby's mum ate him!

(APPLAUSE)

The fat b*tch!

(LAUGHS) Sorry, dude! Um...

Any other bad gifts?

MAN:
Nothing!

What did you get? Nothing?

MAN:
I got nothing!

Jesus, listen to the bitterness there!

I think there are

worse gifts than nothing.

So, like this, like... women get bought

Hoovers by their other half.

And it's not just a sh*t gift,

it's a bit of a dig.

"At least something in the house

has got some f***ing suction!"

(GAS PS)

"Well, you said

you wanted a bag and a belt!

"That's got both! You're welcome!"

There was a girl in the other day

for her 21st birthday.

From her Nana...

Now, Nanas are mental anyway,

but her Nana bought her, gift wrapped,

beautifully gift wrapped,

an Argos catalogue.

With two pound coins

Sellotaped to the front.

- AUDIENCE:
Aw!

- "Aw, pikeys!"

The worst one I think a lot have -

Secret Santa.

- You do Secret Santa at your Work?

- MANY PEOPLE:
Yes.

It's a nightmare, to get something good

for under a fiver, a tenner.

I went out and bought

a Braun moustache trimmer.

She was livid!

No pleasing some people.

Not like she didn't need it. Um...

The... (LAUGHS)

The best gift is obviously anal sex. Um...

Not for a Secret Santa!

That's a f***ing disaster!

But no, it is!

It's better to give than to receive

and anal sex is the gift

that keeps on giving,

unless it stops giving,

in which case, it tears.

(GROANING)

Ooh, too much?

(LAUGHS) The worst one

that I think a lot of people have bought-

gift vouchers.

Who here's bought gift vouchers?

MANY PEOPLE:
Yes.

What were you thinking?

You walked into a shop and Went,

"Excuse me, could you help me?"

"I've got some money here,

this is accepted everywhere.

"Could you fix it for me

so it just works in this one shop...

"for a limited time period?

"I should explain,

it's a gift and I'm f***ing idiot!"

It's a great feeling when you get a Woman

you've been chasing for...miles!

I've known thousands of women in

the biblical sense and, by biblical sense,

I mean made-up Women

that don't really exist.

A lot of people

just drift into relationships

Without really thinking about it

and we call those people...

WEN.

A lot of men say, when they first

get together with a woman, they can't

initially tell if it's "the real thing",

but I can, cos I've got

a special little indicator that sticks up.

Come on in. Sit down.

What's your name, madam?

Alexa.

- Alexa?

- Yeah.

What is it, some sort of cystitis?

What's the matter?

- what do you do for a living, Alexa?

- Um, lots of things.

- You do lots of things?

- Yeah.

(CHEERING AND WOLF-WHISTLING)

Yes, I think I've seen a card

advertising your services...

"Are you new in town?"

Go on... (LAUGHS)

Don't let me guess!

- So, I'm an aspiring presenter.

- You're an aspiring presenter?

- Yeah.

- Ooh!

Well, I'll say to you what I say to

all aspiring presenters that I meet.

I'll have an Americano, please.

(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHS)

Oh, I f***ing love my job. Um...

Gentlemen, do you remember

What you were doing

the first time you told a Woman

that you loved her?

I do, I was lying.

Don't give me that look.

It Worked. I f***ed her.

We went out for a drink the other night,

me and my girlfriend,

and we chatted about what people actually

think about when they're having sex.

Not a conversation I would recommend.

She said to me, "What kind of a man

fantasies about his partner's friends

"whilst he's actually having sex

with his partner?" And I said...

"Promise you Won't get mad?"

What do you think is the most important

thing in a relationship? Give us a shout.

- MAN:
Sex.

- Sex.

How long have you been together

with your woman'?

- MAN:
Four years.

- Four years'?

And sex is still the most important thing?

Well, you, sir, are a liar.

Up to two years, I would give you.

Up to two years is fine.

Sex is the most important thing,

you're ripping each other's clothes off,

it's fantastic. After two years,

What's that coming up oh the inside?

It's coming up pretty fast. Sky Plus!

Any other thoughts?

Most important thing in a relationship?

- WOMEN:
Trust!

- Trust.

A lot of the ladies saying trust.

- Any other?

- (MAN SHOUTS)

- Cricket?

- MAN:
Cooking.

Cooking?

Cooking's the most important thing?

Are you the guy from Quantum Leap

and have you just got here from 1970?

Cooking's the most important thing

in a relationship.

Have you ever become engaged by awarding

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