Jimmy Carr - Laughing and Joking Page #7

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someone a bread maker by any chance?

(LAUGHS)

Not the weirdest answer.

The weirdest answer I had recently.

I said, "What's the most important thing

in a relationship?" And a bloke went...

"Consent."

(LAUGHTER)

There was a guy up in Edinburgh

and I said,

"Most important thing in a relationship?"

He went... (SCOTS ACCENT) "Me!"

The terrified-looking Woman

next to him going...

- Any other thoughts?

- MAN:
Lubricant!

Lubricant?

Well, if you run out... (SPITS)

Any other?

MAN:
A puncture repair kit.

- What, sorry?

- MAN:
A puncture repair kit.

A puncture repair kit?

(LAUGHTER)

That's funny, I like that.

I think it deserved more. Come on.

- Um, any other?

- WOMAN:
Love.

What, sorry?

- WOMAN:
Love.

- Love?

Grow up!

Who are you in a relationship with?

Your My Little Pony?

(LAUGHS)

Any other thoughts?

The most important thing?

- WOMAN:
Laughter!

- Laughter? I don't know about that.

I do think a sense of humour

is what I look for in a woman,

cos if a woman can see

the funny side of life,

she's much less likely to press charges.

(LAUGHS)

The most important thing, I think trust.

For me, I think trust is the most

important thing in a relationship,

because, if you're with a woman,

and you don't 100% trust her,

how do you know

she's not going to tell your Wife?

I do love it when a woman says

those magic Words that mean

she's definitely up for sex that night.

"This drink tastes funny."

I'm joking!

You can't taste it!

I'm not a prude.

You'd agree with that, wouldn't you?

- AUDIENCE:
Yes.

- I'm not prudish. Here's the thing!

I don't like swearing during sex.

Who wants to hear that kind of language,

especially from a child?!

(SHOCKED GASPS)

Ooh, the look you gave me there!

You prefer a sweary kid! Fair enough!

I had a thing happened to me recently.

A little bit embarrassing.

I got caught... I didn't think this could

happen when you're a grown-up.

I got caught masturbating...

by my girlfriend. what do you say?!

"Sorry I woke you!"

"You've got sleep in your eye."

I don't know about you,

but I don't like celebrities

that are only famous

because of who their parents are.

Like Calum Best and Peaches Geldof

and Jesus!

I heard a reporter on Sky News say,

"At least one person killed

in suicide bomb attack."

Yeah, obviously!

That is the bare minimum

you need to qualify.

It was something about burning

your copy of the Koran in Afghanistan

and I was watching it thinking,

"I would never burn a copy of the Koran,

"because I've got a Kindle."

"Just delete it. Don't f*** about."

I'm not Worried about

Islamic suicide bombers.

They can only do it once. A Hindu

suicide bomber, that is more of a threat.

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Because of the reincarnation.

(LAUGHS)

"I don't know What's going on!"

I was gonna talk to you about

terrorist threat levels in this country,

cos our government picked the weirdest

Words for our terrorist threat levels.

You know sometimes they announce them

at the encl of the news'?

The weather, the pollen count

and then the terrorist threat level,

for no reason at all.

And it's Words that I don't understand.

So, at the moment, the terrorist threat

level in this country is "substantial".

I asked a police officer, "What am I meant

to do with substantial?" He said...

"Watch yourself."

I said, "Well, I'm not involved!"

Do you know What

the highest terrorist threat level is?

How's this for a creepy word?

"Imminent."

What the f*** am I meant to do

with "imminent"?!

I imagine clench.

I mean, I've never been near a bomb

when it's gone off, but I imagine that -

take the edge off, wouldn't it?

And we all know that isn't

the highest terrorist threat level.

The highest terrorist threat level,

as we all know, is

"I don't care if this does look racist,

I'm getting off the bus."

"That is a massive rucksack and he doesn't

need to be saying his prayers out loud.

"I'm f***ing doing one."

(APPLAUSE)

Where middle-class guilt

is overtaken by fear,

you know you're in trouble.

Of course, with these jokes,

I could face the wrath of Islam.

Which I've always thought

sounds like a sh*t pub.

"Where are we going?"

"Wrath of Islam."

"Oh, for f***'s sake!

"There's no booze,

there's no fruit machine!

"There's no pork scratchings!"

"Yeah, but women can get stoned."

(GROANING)

Sometimes, doing this job,

you feel very exposed.

Not when I'm doing jokes, but when

I'm doing an observational bit of comedy.

You feel like, if no-one can relate

to this, I'm gonna feel a fool.

So, share with me

if you've had a similar experience.

It's always embarrassing when you get

an erection during a prostate exam.

And they realise!

"Hang on, you're not a real doctor."

Hey, joke's on her,

she hasn't even got a prostate.

Have we got any teenage girls in?

Give us a shout, any teenage girls?

- (WHOOPING)

- I'm sorry.

I realise that is a creepy question!

Teenage girls, the reason I ask,

I read a thing recently that said that

90% of teenage girls are sexually active.

Bullshit! A lot of them just lie there!

"I'm frightened!

You're not my real dad!"

(LAUGHTER)

I often get asked by young guys,

young men after the show often ask me,

"Can you laugh a woman into bed?"

And the short answer? Yes.

Obviously, she's too young for you if you

have to say "peek-a-boo", but, yeah.

You can laugh a woman into bed.

The tough bit comes 20 minutes later,

when you're trying

to laugh her into a taxi home.

I don't want to make a big deal of this,

but I recently adopted a newborn

African child. He was just seven pounds,

plus postage and packing.

That's how they get you.

If only they'd put holes in that box.

(GROANING)

And that is the joke, interestingly,

that Richard Curtis said was a bit much

for the Comic Relief gig.

Have you all been

on that first foreign holiday abroad?

The first foreign holiday

you went on Without your parents?

Everyone been on that holiday?

MANY PEOPLE:
Yes!

Has anyone not been on that holiday yet?

- SEVERAL PEOPLE: Yes.

- Oh, quite a few of you'?

You've got a lot to look forward to.

It's an amazing trip.

It tends to be all the guys go away

together, all the girls go away together,

somewhere hot in Europe

that's cheap that year.

We went away, five of us, that went

all the way through school together,

we just got our A-level results,

Went away for two weeks in Faliraki.

It was awesome!

Sun, sea, sex and sand - that's What

we were looking for, that's what we found.

It was an amazing,

life-affirming, Wonderful holiday.

Well, in those two weeks, I had sex with

12 different people. I'm not bragging.

I was gang raped.

Still, I didn't let it spoil my trip.

If there's a fight,

I let my fists do the talking.

(SOFT VOICE) "Please don't hurt me."

I went to a fairly posh,

single-sex school,

but I never really fitted in.

I think it's partly because I'm male.

Partly because I was 35

when they caught me.

(LAUGHS)

My granddad always used

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