Jimmy Carr - Laughing and Joking Page #8

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to insist on standing up

Whenever a woman entered the room,

which is ultimately what led to him

losing his Disability Living Allowance.

I was up in north London,

I saw a guy in the high street

with a guide dog and a white stick

and I went up to him,

I Went, "You must be blind."

He said, "Tell me something I don't know."

I said, "There's a tree over there."

"Don't be a dick about it."

You never forget your first, especially

if they've got an unusual name. Akela?

There's something I don't understand

about a Woman's G-spot.

I can't quite put my finger on it.

- I can drive a woman...

- (LOUD LAUGHTER)

Well done!

That's hit home there, has it?

Touched a nerve, so to speak?

How very apt.

I can drive a woman wild with my tongue.

Would you like me to demonstrate?

- SOME PEOPLE:
Yes.

- OK, pay attention.

All the action is happening here, young

man. Drive a woman wild with your tongue.

"Have you put on weight?"

That easy.

Anal sex is overrated - it's f***ing sh*t.

And it hurts like buggery!

I tried it with my girlfriend.

She was bored to tears!

(SEVERAL WAVES OF LAUGHTER)

Has everyone that's gonna get it got it?

Let's move along.

We've been together now for 12 years,

me and my girlfriend,

so to keep things fresh in the bedroom,

we do a little bit of role-play.

She pretends to be a nurse

and I pretend I'm still attracted to her.

(LAUGHTER)

That's divided the room, hasn't it?

There's people who thought that was funny,

and then there are unattractive women.

Some girls like to have

the lights off for sex to happen.

They like all the lights to be out

before they have sex.

And they've got a name.

They're called fugly munters.

I've never had a complaint

about that joke.

I've never had a woman come up

after the show and go,

"Excuse me, I'm a fugly munter.

"How do you think I feel?"

Hungry?

Are there couples in? Give us a shout.

(AUDIENCE SHOUTS)

I've got a theory about sex

in long-term relationships.

So, the received wisdom is

it's men that instigate sex

Within a long-term relationship.

It's the man that says, "Shall we go

upstairs for a bit of slap and tickle,

"bit of how's your father,

"bit Of sticky belly?"

Whatever you call it in your houses.

But it's the man that asks.

I think that is misogynistic bullshit.

That's like saying the man's got the sex

drive and the woman is just passive.

I reckon it's about 50-50

in most relationships.

The reason you don't notice

when women asks for sex is

because when women ask for sex,

it happens.

We've got the expression "getting lucky"

because We're rolling the dice, ladies.

If your woman says to you, "Do you Want

to go upstairs and f***?" "Yep."

It doesn't matter what else is going on.

You could be full of flu, you could have

just received devastating news,

you could have just been

shot in the leg...by her.

"Do you want to go upstairs and f***?"

"Yes, I do."

But sometimes, gentlemen...

You'll know this.

Sometimes in a long-term relationship,

you'll suggest becoming amorous

with your partner,

you'll suggest having sex,

and she'll say, "No!"

And then she will give you some

kind of mercurial strange reason as to why

sex could not occur

at that moment in time.

And you would like to respond.

You'd like to argue back,

but you can't think of anything

because you can't think at all

because all the blood is somewhere else.

So I thought, "Why don't we take advantage

of the situation we find ourselves in?

"Why don't we Workshop it?" what reasons

have you heard, gentleman,

not to have sex? And we'll come up with

a response. what have you heard?

- MAN:
Headache.

- Headache?

- MAN:
Tired.

- Tired. Let's deal with those in order.

Headache. Easy. If a woman says,

"Look, I've got a headache,"

just say, "I'm going to be

right at the other end.

"I could not be further away

from that problem.

"Also, I'm going to f*** you.

We're not doing sudoku.

"You're not going to need

your wits about you."

Tired... Tired is like the modern

equivalent of headache.

And I think genuinely if a woman says,

"I can't have sex, I'm tired,"

What you've got to do,

you've got to listen, obviously.

You've got to acknowledge.

It's not enough just to listen.

She's got to know that you've heard.

And then make a suggestion.

That's my advice, anyway.

Don't demand anything from a woman.

Make a suggestion.

So if a woman says,

"I can't have sex, I'm tired,"

I'd say, "Of course you're tired,

I hear you.

"You've got the kids, you've got

the house, you've got work.

"You must be exhausted.

"So why don't you,

and it's just a suggestion,

"but why don't you...

"do what you normally do

and just f***ing lie there?"

(LAUGHTER)

"You lazy f***ing cow."

- Any other excuses for not...

- MAN:
Pregnant!

- MAN 2:
Too young!

- Pregnant?

She's too young.

(LAUGHTER)

This is a long-term relationship

you're in, right?

She says, "I really can't have sex

with you, I'm too young."

Yeah.

- And what was that one?

- MAN:
Pregnant.

Are you trying to nudge her

towards a three-way?

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

Is that bad? Clearly, yes.

MAN:
She's dead!

(LAUGHTER)

I don't want to alarm anyone,

but we've got a pirate in the house.

(GRUFFLY) Hoist the mainsail!

She's dead.

She's dead?

And yet you're still hearing

a voice saying, "No."

That isn't her, that's your conscience,

you monster!

- Any other excuses for not having sex?

- (AUDIENCE SHOUTS OUT)

Your cock's too big?

Try f***ing a grown-up!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHS)

Any other...

(AUDIENCE SHOUTS OUT)

MAN:
She's on the blob!

Sorry, sir, can you just repeat

What you said there?

MAN:
She's on the blob!

She's on the blob.

(LAUGHTER)

How nicely put, sir(!)

I think...

I think a lesser man might have said,

"menstruation,"

or "her time of the month"

or maybe "period".

Even "Arsenal are playing at home."

Or "She has the red devil in her belly."

"Up on bricks."

But you went with

the much more genteel...

(COCKNEY ACCENT) "On the blob!

"She's on the blob, ain't she?"

I think, in all seriousness,

if a woman says,

"I can't have sex, I've got my period,"

I would say,

"Well, your arse isn't bleeding, is it?

' 'Yet.

"yet...

"Give me a moment to work my magic."

The best one I heard recently, someone

said... A very nice gig in Cambridge...

"Are there any reasons for not having sex

Within a long-term relationship

"that you've heard from a Woman?"

And a woman went,

"Morning fanny."

I said, "What?"

She said, "Morning fanny."

I went, "Yeah, I heard you.

"I don't know what that is.

What's morning fanny?"

And she said,

"Do you know morning breath?

"It's that downstairs."

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Morning fanny. Who knew?

(LAUGHS)

I'm telling these rather bawdy jokes,

but I'm actually quite a sensitive

kind of guy, quite metro sexual.

I remember the first time I got together

with my girlfriend, 12 years ago now,

the first time we had sex,

the first time we hooked up, I cried.

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