Jimmy Carr - Laughing and Joking Page #9

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I don't know whether it was

the physical act or the emotion of it

or the pepper spray, but I teared up.

(LAUGHS)

People do weird sh*t sexually.

Shall we talk about some of

the weird sh*t people do?

AUDIENCE Yes!

Gerontophiles.

If you're not familiar with the term,

Gerontophiles are people that find

the very elderly sexually attractive.

I know. Bit of a mouthful, isn't it?

Gerontophile.

I prefer to call them OAPaedos.

They like a bit of granny fanny.

Where's the harm?

50 Shades Of Grey -

a very different thing for them.

Years ago, this woman introduced

handcuffs into our sexual relationship...

when she called the police.

I said, "I'll come quietly."

if you strangle yourself during sex,

it's called auto erotic asphyxiation.

If you do it to someone else,

it's called a serious sexual assault.

My bad.

A fluffy.

Do you know what a fluffy is?

A fluffy is when you're having sex

with a woman and...

Sorry, scratch that. Not when

you're having sex with a woman.

When you are making love to a lady.

And as you make love

to that beautiful lady,

a fluffy is when she farts on your balls.

Couple of things, couple of quick things.

Firstly, really?

That's happening enough that we needed

a special term for that?

And secondly...

how do you ask for that?

Not that I would want that to happen,

but...when you find out that's your

thing, how do you ask for it to happen?

Because presumably no one asked

for that the first time it happened.

That was a happy accident.

He was working away

and one slipped out. And he thought,

"That's not an unpleasant sensation."

But then it's very difficult

to ask for that to happen again.

It's very difficult to come across

as Mr Darcy, the king of romance,

when saying to the woman in your life,

"Would you mind, later on,

when we make love,

"farting on my balls?"

Much easier...take her out for

Indian food and hope for the best.

Has anyone in here ever walked in

on people having sex?

- MAN:
Yes.

- what did you walk in on, sir?

- My parents.

- Your parents?

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

What kind of... what kind of special hug

was Mummy doing with Daddy?

What did you actually see

when you walked in?

MAN:
Awful things.

- (LAUGHTER)

- what was your dad up to?

His balls, presumably, but...

Did you... Did you get an eyeful?

Sorry, obviously not like that.

That would be awful!

You'd have to think that was

premeditated...if you walked in

and he was,

"This is going to be brilliant."

You saw your parents? I presume

you followed the classic etiquette

of walking in on people having sex,

which is, you walk in, I see, off.

And in your case, straight to therapy.

Has anyone else

walked in on people having sex?

- MAN:
Yes.

- Go on, what did you walk in on, sir?

My daughter.

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

I don't know why that's bad,

but it's so much Worse.

Because if it was your son,

I think we would all go,

"Yeah, go on, son. Go on, my son."

But with your daughter,

you can't walk in and...

"Go on, love!

"Oh, you look like

you're f***ing loving that.

"There's my little girl."

I mean, hopefully,

it was a guy you approved of.

Was it a guy you approved of?

MAN:
He's sitting next to me.

(LAUGHTER)

He's sitting next to you?

(APPLAUSE)

I hope you obeyed the etiquette.

You walk in, you walk out straight away.

There are certain things

people do sexually, though,

that that could not be your response.

Are we all familiar

with the rusty trombone?

It's a sexual practice whereby

a lady is kissing a guy's arse.

I don't mean that metaphorically.

I mean that in a far more

literal and rimmy type sense.

As that's going on,

she's also administering a hand job.

So there's this movement

and the pursed lips.

Well, you can

see how they got to "rusty trombone".

I've got no problem with the name, per se.

My question is, if you walked in on people

doing that, what would your response be?

(LAUGHTER)

Are you sure?!

Got a question for the ladies.

All women I know

have got a very clear line.

On one side of the line,

things they're happy, confident,

comfortable and enjoy doing sexually

with a loving partner.

On the other side of the line,

things they've been asked to do

but they've said, "No."

What I would like to know, ladies,

is what have you been asked to do

that you've said, "No"?

I don't mean reverse-park or Wash up.

Where do you draw the line is really

What I'm asking. what have you been

asked to do that you've said, "No"?

You look confused. Did you not realise

you could turn sh*t down?

Know what I mean?

You're just hearing now.

- WOMAN:
Anal!

- You draw the line at anal?

- What, sorry?

- WOMAN:
Yeah, totally.

"Yeah, totally."

But oh his birthday, yeah?

Man up, lady.

That's Where you draw the line?

OK, any advance on that?

Any other weirder things?

WOMAN:
Threesomes!

A threesome?

What kind of threesome was it, madam?

Was it two guys and you, or a proper one?

Go on, what kind of threesome was it?

WOMAN:
Two women.

Two women.

I think, see... I think on the surface

that sounds misogynistic, doesn't it?

He's gone, "I need two Women

to satisfy me cos I'm such a man."

I don't think that's what it's about.

I think he was thinking of you.

He was thinking, "Wouldn't it be lovely

if, after lovemaking,

"she had someone to talk to?"

Thinking of you.

He loves you.

Any others? Any advance on this?

(MAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)

Egging?

What, sorry?

MAN:
Pegging!

(LAUGHTER)

I'm not sure if I'm mishearing

or you can't talk. It's tough.

Go on, what are you saying?

- MAN:
Pegging

- Pegging?

Pegging

What the f*** is pegging?

Isn't that just running?

What's pegging?

MAN:
It's Where she gets a dildo on

and does you up the arse.

Do you mean foreplay?

(LAUGHS)

And she wouldn't do that, sir?

What a prude!

(LAUGHS)

Any...

WOMAN:
Blumpkin.

Blumpkee?

What's a blumpkee?

It's when you give a guy a blow job

while he's having a sh*t.

(AUDIENCE GASPS AND SHRIEKS)

I think...

If I'm not mistaken, she just said,

"It's when you give a guy a blow job

"while he's having a sh*t."

I mean, I'm sorry, madam,

a guy asked you to do that?

You know what, though'? I admire that guy!

Because that's what made

this country great.

That's what made...

civilization great.

Daring to dream.

There's an optimistic man.

"Oh, I'm having a sh*t.

I've had loads of shits. Pretty boring.

"What about...

"This whole area is free.

"It's all going on back here."

At what point in the relationship

did he ask for that?

- The end.

- The end!

(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHS)

Not a bad way to end a relationship.

Things aren't going well,

you're not getting on.

"I'll see if she'll suck me off

While I'm having a sh*t."

Cos if she says yes,

I think she loves you.

Any other weirdness?

The reason I've asked that question

a few times now is

because it's my favourite bit

of the show.

Because I know

that there are women out there

who are currently having

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