Jimmy Carr - Laughing and Joking Page #10

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pressure applied to their legs...

by the men in their lives.

There are men out there going, "I just

Wanted to f***ing try it. Shut up."

(LAUGHS)

The weirdest one I heard about recently

from an audience member was a Simba.

Have you heard of a Simba?

(SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE)

You know a Simba?

A Simba is...

It's from The Lion King, I believe.

It's when you're with a beautiful lady,

you're making sweet love to her,

and you finish on her chest.

Fine.

Little bit disrespectful,

some might think, but fine.

And you take...

Simba.

Bringing a little Disney magic

to the bedroom.

I'm not sure my girlfriend

would appreciate a Simba.

But I think...

I think I could just do it on my own.

I think the next time...

I think the next time I'm at home

and I've got broadband

and a bit of time to myself,

I think I might try and finish there.

Simba.

I've got a tip for the ladies.

Or, if you like,

I could put the whole thing in.

(LAUGHTER)

Just a short one.

Do you want to know the secret

to the perfect hand job?

Use your mouth.

(LAUGHS)

I left my last girlfriend

cos she got really fat.

"I'm pregnant"

There's always an excuse.

Breast-feeding in public.

Does that annoy anyone else?

AUDIENCE Yes.

Annoys me. The baby's head gets in the

Way. Can't see a f***ing thing, can you?

No, no-one likes having

their parenting technique criticized.

But would you agree

that seven is too old to be in a pram.

Would you agree with that?

- AUDIENCE:
Yes.

- Yeah.

Would you have said anything?

Cos I said as much.

"It's a Wheelchair."

"Is it?"

(LAUGHTER)

Who's got kids? Give us a shout.

- (AUDIENCE SHOUTS)

- Who hasn't got kids?

(AUDIENCE SHOUTS MORE LOUDLY)

We sound happier.

Which is weird, because We're not trying

to get anyone to join our gang.

People with kids never stop going on

about it, especially when you're my age.

People with kids...

(WHISPERS EERILY) "Join us. Join us.

"We're so happy?'

You don't look happy, you look tired.

(WHISPERS) "Join us.

"Who's going to take care of you

when you're old?"

Medical professionals!

I've got to go now.

I've got to have 12 hours' sleep.

I'm not even tired.

Of course, the pill revolutionized the Way

that women control their bodies.

Before its invention, our poor Nanas

had to take it up the Wrong 'un.

Or face falling down the stairs...

in a hot bath drunk on gin

with a coat hanger chaser.

(GROANS)

My best friend's Wife is having a baby.

And I asked him, I said,

"What do you Want, a boy or a girl?"

And he thought about it.

He said, "I wanted a blow job."

Really mournful.

I like getting a blow job off the missus.

I don't know if you get this.

I don't know if you get a blow job

off my missus, but...

The thing I like about oral sex

with my partner...

I think the thing most men enjoy

about oral sex with their partner

is not anything sexual, ladies.

It's the peace and quiet.

Ladies, if you've ever been going down

on my guy and he's gone, "Oh, oh!"

that's hot your technique, that's hot

the sound of his sexual ecstasy.

That is the sound of a man

not being asked a question.

I would think about adoption.

I don't have kids, but if I had kids,

I think I would have them adopted.

(LAUGHTER)

People criticized Madonna,

but the kids she adopted, Fair trade.

(LAUGHS)

Have we got any dads in?

Give us a shout, all the dads.

(MEN SHOUT)

Did you cry at the birth

of your first child?

- (A FEW SHOUT)

- Very few of you admitting it.

A lot of guys are embarrassed by the fact

they cried at the birth

of their first child.

I think it's cos they don't quite know

why they cry. There's different theories.

Some people think it's the biological bond

with the child

that you meet for the first time.

That can't be it. You're only meeting it

for the first time. Not like the mother

that's been carrying it inside her.

That's more of a biological thing.

With the guy, hmm, no.

Some people think

men cry at the birth of their first child

because of the gift that's been bestowed

oh them by the woman in their life.

That would make them tear up.

No.

I think the real reason most men cry at

the birth of their first child is because

they see what the little sh*t's

done to the missus.

"Oh, no!

"Now she's got a vaganus."

(APPLAUSE)

Um...

If my grandmother knew how much

I spent on her funeral,

she would be spinning in her ditch.

When I was a kid, I didn't Want

to imagine my parents having sex,

so I'd watch them from the Wardrobe.

Can closet gay agoraphobics ever come

out?

How can you possibly explain

the concept of death to a young child?

Well, you need a hammer and a hamster.

He's not gone to live on a farm, has he?

He's all over the f***ing shop.

It always feels so much better

when you have a wank with a dead arm.

But apparently I ruined that funeral.

I remember in the playground,

"My dad's harder than your dad."

It's not really the issue.

The issue is, both our dads

have erections in a playground.

Researchers have created a contraceptive

pill that deactivates sperm

before it reaches the womb.

My girlfriend has got something similar

called stomach acid.

10% of women have cried

in a shop changing room.

I guess they weren't expecting

to see me there.

Here's an interesting fact.

The reason morris dancers Wear bells is

so blind people know they're c*nts, too.

They say,

"A problem shared is a problem halved."

Didn't really work with AIDS, did it?

Do you know you can get AIDS

from a toilet seat?

But only if you sit down

before the last guy's got up.

My girlfriend asked me recently,

"What's happened to your sex drive?"

I said, "I burned it and smashed it

with a hammer.

"I was Worried the police were going

to get hold of it."

Humans and dolphins are the only

mammals that have sex for pleasure.

But a dog will do it for a biscuit.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Look.

If you suffocate in a "bag for life"...

(LAUGHTER)

...you'd be f***ing livid, wouldn't you?

The irony'd kill you.

I recently read Great Expectations,

and it Wasn't as good

as I thought it was going to be.

I can do a brilliant Michael Jackson

impersonation.

- Would you like to see it?

- AUDIENCE:
Yes!

I just need a young volunteer

that can keep a secret.

You know those human statues

you get in the middle of town'?

You know the ones? Painted silver

and gold, stand stock-still?

And if you give them 50 p when

you walk past, they move their hand,

like, a fraction.

Actually works out cheaper if you're going

to get past them every day

just to buy a Taser.

I had a thing happen

in the high street the other day.

You know the charity muggers?

You know the ones with the clipboard

and the optimism in the high street?

I dodged two of the c*nts

and the third one got me

with what I considered

to be an unfair tactic.

The backwards walk 'n' talk.

So I hadn't stopped, I hadn't made

eye contact, and she told me her sad story

as she trotted along backwards.

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