Jimmy Carr - Laughing and Joking Page #12

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Cos Variety, the children's charity,

they do great work,

they do a lot of stuff with

mentally disadvantaged children.

But they also do a lot of stuff with

physically disadvantaged children

and socially disadvantaged children.

You can't lump all those kids together

and go, "Bunch of retarded kids."

You can't call anyone "retarded kids".

You're a journalist,

you should know better.

And also, being offended

on behalf of someone else

in my mind is literally f***-all. That's

just you taking the high moral ground.

For you to be offended, I think, minimum,

you have to be the one that's offended.

So, if you're genuinely offended

by that last joke, you're retarded.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

While We're talking about

charitable stuff,

as you leave this evening

there's going to be a bucket connection.

There's people with buckets and tins

and I'll just briefly tell you

What it's about.

We're collecting money this evening

for abused children,

and if we raise between us just 500,

we can buy

their silence.

That's clearly a joke, right?

The reason I say,

"That's clearly a joke,"

is because I did a gig in Croydon

a couple of months ago

and a woman genuinely came up to me

after the show and Went,

"Where are those collection tins?"

Just unpick that for a second.

So not only did she not realise

that was a joke, she wanted to help!

Is anyone totally unoffended

by anything I've said?

(A FEW SHOUT OUT)

You're totally unoffended by anything.

What's your name, sir?

- Hamdii.

- Hamdi.

Unusual name.

You don't hear that every day.

Well, I imagine you do.

It's your f***ing name.

- what do you do, Hamdi?

- Student.

- You're a student. what are you studying?

- Economics.

- Economics. Whereabouts?

- Royal Holloway.

Royal Holloway. Maybe if you'd worked

a little bit harder for your A-levels...

I'm just saying, Royal Holloway is not...

I mean, come on, there are universities

that have always been universities,

there are universities that used to be

polytechnics that then became universities

and then there's Royal Holloway,

which I think used to be a 24-hour garage.

Then they got a delivery of books and

they f***ing went with it, God love you.

Right, let me try and offend you.

Um, all right, when I was at school,

a mate of mine

got caught wanking in the showers.

Nothing?

Well, it ruined the school trip

to Auschwitz.

It is not going to get any more offensive

than that, dude...

to joke about the worst thing

that has ever happened.

I can't tell you a more offensive joke

than that,

but I can tell you a story about me

that will change your mind about me

and then change it right back.

Do you want hear it?

- AUDIENCE:
Yes!

- OK.

It concerns... It's basically telling you

about what it's like being famous.

What it's like is, people ask you

to do things. And it's nice to say yes,

because normally it's fun stuff.

"Do you want to be on Top Gear?

Yes, I do.

"Do you want to do a jubilee?"

Yes, I do.

"Do you want to come and visit a hospice?

It's palliative care for teenagers."

Yes, I do.

I got that call about six years ago.

I said, "Yeah, I'll go."

I didn't know What

some of those Words meant.

I thought, "it sounds all right.

Teenagers. I imagine that'll be fun."

Now, it transpires "palliative"

translates to "dying".

And I found myself in a situation

Where I Went, "Well, I've got to go,

"I've said I'll go," and thinking,

"This is going to be sh*t."

Hand on heart, I thought,

"This is going to be f***ing sh*t.

"But I said I'd go, so I'll go." So I Went

there with very low expectations.

I thought, "I'll be lucky to get

through this Without tearing up."

I went there. It was genuinely...

I couldn't believe

What a f***ing arsehole I am.

Because it was genuinely inspirational.

It was brilliant to go.

If you get a chance to visit a hospice,

go to a hospice. They're amazing. Cos...

I don't know what inspires you.

I like that idea of carpe diem,

living in the moment,

now being Where happiness is.

And if you meet life-limited teenagers,

they are having that

because they are aware

of how precious time is.

I think we often forget

in our day-to-day lives.

It was amazing to go and be around.

I've been back many times since,

and I'd recommend it as a thing to do.

It's really fun.

They don't want to be shut away,

they want to be part of society.

The thing that blew me away

when I went there was an incident.

So, if I go out to get coffee

before the show, if I go to Starbucks...

Obviously, my coffee shop of choice.

Similar views.

But if I go out to get coffee

before the show,

if there's a group of 15-year-old girls

in the coffee shop,

they'll be really flirty with me,

not because I'm some

super-attractive dude,

but because I'm a celebrity, and there's

a cachet to celebrity in our society,

for better, for Worse.

There just is. It's a fact.

So I'm used to that kind of flirting

in that context.

I Wasn't expecting it

Within the context

of palliative care for teenagers

in a hospice.

There's a girl in there...

She'd just turned 15, pretty little thing,

and she's a massive comedy fan.

And she had all the DVDs

and seen everything on YouTube,

like, really into it.

And she was really flirty

and really tactile.

And I thought...

Well, all she wanted was a kiss.

And I thought, "Well, Where's the harm?

"She's going to be dead

before she can testify."

(AUDIENCE GASPS AND LAUGHS)

I can see you think that's bad.

But I can make that Worse...

...with just two Words.

True story.

It is a true story.

It just happens to be about

a different Jimmy.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you so much for coming out.

Thank you very much indeed. Cheers.

Good night. Thank you. Cheers.

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