Jimmy Carr Live

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(Cheering)

(Whistling)

Well, Thanks very much.

Before we even start,

l suppose I'd better warn you

that in my act

there is certain amount of bad language.

I'm not talking about split infinitives.

There will be some swearing and there is

some material of a sexual nature.

So if you are offended

by rude or crude material, For heaven sake

don't be a c*nt about it.

l was doing a gig a couple of weeks ago

I got talking to a girl in front row

and asked a girl her name.

She said, "Pataka." I said, " That's an

unusual name, You don't hear that every day."

To which She replied, "Actually, I do."

I don't know. Does anyone in here

use Vodafone products by any chance?

Any one?

- YEAH, YES

Mainly people over there.

l imagine that's where

the reception is best, is it?

l don't use Vodafone products.

Not because they are not good products

Im sure they're reasonably priced

I'm sure they work reasonably well.

But I don't use them because

l don't like their advertising slogan.

Its:
"Join the world's

largest mobile community."

Now Correct me if Im wrong,

That's the gypsies.

No offence to you.

If you want to dress in that manner and live

in a lay-by, it's very much up to you.

l can't believe you went like that.

Well done. Good.

- What's your name?

- Scott.

Don't feel bad about

everyone laughing at you Scott. Sorry

You and I both know

they all need clothes pegs.

There'll always be work

for people like Scott to avoid.

My father used to say: "whatever

doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Till the accident.

Feminists say... and you may agree

with this, you may not.

Feminists say:

"A woman's work is never done."

Maybe if they got themselves

organized, it'd be better.

A bit of an icy stare there, madam.

What you gotta understand

That is post modern misogyny.

That joke is in fact steeped in irony.

So Don't you worry

your pretty little head about it.

l had one of those "serious relationship"

conversation the other week

With my girlfriend Where She sat me down

and talked at me for about six hours.

l hadn't realized until then that

when a man says he is "spoken for"

That is quite literally what he means.

She said to me:
"Jimmy, We're at

a crossroads in our relationship.

"Down one road is hard work and

commitment but, ultimately, happiness.

"And down the other road,

well, the other road is a dead end."

And I said, "That's not a crossroads,

that's a T-junction."

Im glad you laughed.

She went f***ing mental.

l should point out

at this early stage in the show

that despite my dress

and general demeanour,

I'm not gay.

Unless you're from Newcastle,

and by "gay" you mean "owns a coat".

You're looking a bit disappointed there

Sorry, but homosexuality isn't my thing.

No hard feelings.

Sorry, I don't want to spoil the mood.

I'm not you know...

I'm not homophobic.

I'm not scared of you.

it's fine. Obviously, Some people

are straight, some are gay. That is fine.

I'm what you might call a "stray".

I'm straight, but I'm socially gay.

l notice when a female friend

changes her hair or buys new shoes.

But I won't accept your cock in my arse.

It's less of a joke, it's just something

l wanted to make absolutely clear.

l get the feeling by that look on your face

l may have misjudged this situation.

You either look hard or gay.

Hopefully not both.

You look as if

you want to take me outside.

I'm not entirely sure why.

l suppose either way I'm buggered.

I'm sure you will have ascertained

I'm quite middle-class

and I'm from the Home Counties.

So I don't have an accent.

This is just how things sound

when they're pronounced properly.

Not that there's anything wrong

with being working-class...

These days.

being working-class is very much

like masturbation.Nothing to be ashamed of.

Of course,

it's nothing to be proud of either.

And both give you calluses

on your hands.

Sting the popular singer:

Sting's often bragging about his

eight-hour sex sessions with his wife Trudy.

Imagine how long he'd be able

to keep it up if she was a looker.

In Japan they believe

that tiger penis improves fertility,

but I think if you really

want to get pregnant,

you're best off using a man's cock.

My best mate's girlfriend

is six months pregnant.

They said,

"Do you want to feel the baby?"

On reflection,

l think they meant on the outside.

They say travel broadens the mind.

Except with Americans,

where it tends to widen the arse.

Lot of people quote the fact that only ten

per cent of Americans have passports.

Thing is They say it like it's a bad thing.

Don't get the wrong idea

I've got nothing against Americans,

It's just one came up to me after

the show a couple of weeks ago

and he said he thought

l was pay-tronising.

l said, "l think you'll find

that's pronounced pat-ronising."

It means

when you talk down to someone.

Don't worry.

I'm not being condescending

I'm far too busy thinking about

important things you wouldn't understand.

I'm not sure if you are aware of this

Did you know?

You're ten times more likely to get

mugged in London than in New York City.

It's because you don't live

in New York City.

My favourite news story last year

came from America. I'm sure you all saw it.

It was about a man in Utah,

an American man.

He was out rambling in the wilds of

Utah, the beautiful desert landscape

There was a rock fall and his hand

was trapped under a boulder.

He had to sever his hand

in order to walk to freedom.

Incredible story about human courage.

Did you all see that story?

l can't believe anyone saw it and

didn't ask themselves the question

Cos I think it does beg the question:

"Would I be able to do that?"

I gave it quite a lot of thought

and I think Yes I would be able to do that

What do I care

about an American's hand?

If it's life or death,

I'll cut his f***ing head off.

The other story that sort of

tickled me from America

Not quite as inspiring

I'll be absolutely honest with you

was the story of an English woman

and an American man.

This made the papers

earlier in the year

They were flying from JFK to London

Heathrow, never met each other before.

Flying at First Class.

They just knew each other for 8 hours

They were arrested

as they came in to land at Heathrow.

The reason They were arrested

because the lady was fellating the man.

It means sucking off.

As they came in to land, lady was

fellating the man. I prefer a boiled sweet.

l can't quite imagine how that happened.

Presumably at some point she turned to him

and said:
"My ears are popping.

"Have you got a boiled sweet?"

And he said, "No, but I've got an idea."

Now have we got anyone from around

the country? Is any one in from The North?

- (Several people shout)

- Quite a few of you.

I ask you What's the point of a

North-South divide if you don't police it?

It is the peculiarity of United Kingdom

People from Liverpool tend to think people

from Manchester are a bunch of c*nts.

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