Jimmy Carr Live Page #2

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And vice versa, people from Manchester

think people from Liverpool are c*nts.

When will they realise?

l should apologise. I've used the C-word

rather a lot so far this evening and.. umm

l know a lot of people specially ladies

find that a little bit offensive.

There is of course an

alternative to "c*nt".

l don't mean up the arse.

Are you all familiar with the phrase

"See you next Tuesday"?

It's the polite English way of saying the

C-word so as not to cause too much offence.

Although ironically I can't think

of too many situations

Where you wanna call someone a C*nt

but you don't wanna offend them

It's sort of what I like about it.

I'll have a bit of a sit-down.

I think..

Are you all right? Was this

the sort of thing you had in mind?

No. Right. OK. I'm f***ed.

Who's come the furthest? Has anyone

come like.. a long way.. from overseas?

- (Man) Canvey island.

- Canvey lsland?

l know Canvey island, so I know you've

not come a long way from your home,

you've just brought it with you.

Did you come with him?

No. Good.

Canvey Island's the furthest

anyone came. F*** you.

You were all in the area anyway?

- What's that?

- (Man replies in high-pitched voice)

Was that Dover, or were you castrated

before you got a chance to...

Right.

Were you worried about sounding silly so

you put on a ludicrous high pitched voice?

"That should sort things out."

Shouldn't it?

So you're a sailor, are you?

Imagine my surprise

at your high-pitched voice.

Hm. Bad things come in threes.

A good example of that is Atomic Kitten.

Every time I think about Atomic Kitten

Actually I'm slightly sad

Somewhere in the Northeast there's a

supermarket three checkout girls short.

l wrote that joke for a thing called

Worst Britons where I had to write jokes

About lots of celebrities. It was a

program that we put on Channel 4.

l wrote this as well,

if it's of any interest to you.

l went to a car-boot sale the other week

I found this old, brown,

bent leathery tool.

It turned out to be David Dickinson.

I don't know if anyone seen any of the

other TV shows that I made

I make a show called Distraction at the

moment. Has anyone seen that?

- (Cheering)

- Oh. And one person liked it?

That's good. If I can entertain

just one man, I'll have been sh*t.

Distraction it's quite good its Channel 4's

replacement to Sex And The City.

Just imagine the city is Dundee

and the sex is anal. You get the idea

l do another show called

Your Face Or Mine. Has any one seen that?

It's quite a good fun I think.

It's a fun show.

It's as shallow as a tinker's bath.

No offence. I didn't mean...

But you know it's quite a fun show.

It's basically about couples..

It's about looks in relationships.

- Who thinks looks are

important in a relationship?

- (Several voices) Yes.

Quite a few of you are

being honest this evening.

l sort of sit on the fence on that one.

Are looks important in a relationship?

You don't look at the fireplace

when you're poking the fire.

But you do

when it's sucking you off, so...

Are you two a couple?

Do you mind me

asking how on earth that happened?

What were you thinking?

- I don't know.

- You can do a lot better than that.

You're punching way above your weight.

Not just a lil bit

It's a different league.

Well done.

ls that money

or personality or...

low self-esteem on her part?

Lovely little mix of all three?

That's basically the show.Your Face or Mine

That's it. That's all we do.

We string that out for haIf an hour.

The magic of television.

Although It is quite awkward sometimes.

Cos its quite young couples on the show

And you know they are 19 or 20

and they are talking about their looks

It can be a bit awkward sometimes.

We had an incident on the show Where a woman

came on with a medical complaint.

I'm not sure what the correct medical

term is but she had a wonky face.

I'm pretty sure that's

not the correct medical term.

She wasn't an unattractive girl either

she was quite good looking

but one haIf of her face was a lot lower

than the other. Just a bit wonky

What happened is She sent in a

video tape to be on the show

And recorded

it rather coquettishly, like that.

Then she turned up and gone like that

and we all went like that.

And obviously the producer said,

"Well, This is quite a serious thing.

"It's a show about looks. She's got a

wonky face. We've got to address it."

l thought, "What am I gonna say?

What's with the wonky face, love?"

I didn't say that. I said:

"Could you tell me about your face?"

Luckily she played along. She said:

"Yes, There is a story behind this

When I was 11 I had a skiing accident.

"l was skiing down a hill

and I skied into the side of a chalet.

"l broke my leg, my arm,

jawbone, cheekbone and eye socket

"and I had to be airlifted

to the hospital."

And I said:
"At least

you got to go in a helicopter."

Her face fell.

Sadly it didn't even up.

That would have been...

Rather miraculous.

l can't be the only person. In real life

l do constantly put my foot in it.

l can't be the only one that

does these kind of things

I've learned the hard way not to refer to

your partner as your "current girlfriend".

It suggests

you're looking for an upgrade.

That doesn't seem to keep them

on their toes the way you think it might

No, they don't like it.

I've also got a policy now

after several unfortunate incidents,

whereby I would rather see

a pregnant woman standing on a bus

than a fat girl sitting down crying.

Come on, we've all made

that mistake, haven't we?

The worst thing is,

you know immediately you've made it.

"When's it due?

"Hang on, there's nothing due.

"You just like your food."

It's a terrible moment

You just want the earth to open up and...

Swallow her.

Obviously It'd have to

be a f***ing big hole.

Now the other time when I put my foot in it

But sort of deliberately is in charity shows

l do quite a lot of charity shows. I'm not

pretending to be particularly altruistic

I do them because

they are really good fun.

Loads of comics do a show.

There's about ten of us backstage.

We all hang out together.

It's like a little social and what we do is

We dare each other to open with

the most inappropriate line possible.

What happens is, I tend to win the bet

and not get invited back.

Which if you think about it is a double win

cos you don't get paid for those shows.

l did a gig for the Ashling Foundation.

Does Anyone know the Ashling Foundation?

No? They're a small charity, based in

London.They are an Irish charity

They take Irish builders and navvies

that came over in the '50s and '60s

And these are older guys

that have fallen on hard times.

They give them pensions and retirement

homes in the West Coast of Ireland.

l did a gig for them.

I thought it was a great charity.

I went out there I said: "It's lovely

to support the Ashling Foundation.

"I've got a new slogan for you.

"F*** off home, the roads are finished."

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