Jimmy Carr Live Page #3

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Apparently they're famous

for their sense of humour.

Oh, no, they're f***ing not.

The other.. The other charity that

l did a gig for last year was Stonewall.

You know Stonewall?

Largest gay charity in Europe.

I did a gig for them up in Edinburgh.

I went on and I said:

"It's lovely to be here in Edinburgh

"I'm not sure

about supporting Stonewall.

"Sure maybe If we raise enough money,

"Maybe one day we'll be

able to find a cure.

"But I'm not sure there's

anything wrong with being gay."

That was pretty much their reaction.

Although they were

slightly more theatrical.

l don't want to sound callous

or unkind or cruel

but the Children of Courage Awards...

How much courage

does it take to get poorly?

All I'm saying is Maybe we

could change the name

To the Children of Horrible Misfortune.

That way we could include

ugly children as well.

If anyone's sitting there thinking:

"I really didn't like that joke

I don't like the subject matter

l didn't think it was very funny,"

Imagine how it went down

at the Great Ormond Street gala.

Comedy's been pretty good to me

over the last couple of years.

I had a sort of good run here

l wanted to give something back.

l thought I'd do try and sort of put

some.. do some guerrilla comedy,

Put some comedy in places

where you don't normally find it.

Obviously you all you know.. come out

to a comedy show this evening

And people watching comedy

DVD tend to be in quite a good mood already.

What about the people

that are not having a good day?

What about the people.. I don't know,

reading the small ads?

I mean you can't be having a good time

If you are reading the small ads.

You're either buying something

second-hand or you filling in a personal.

And let's face it If you're summing

up your personality in 30 words or less

It basically means

you don't have a good one.

So what I thought I'd do put some

you know.. I've got a credit card,

I've got quite a good phone manner.

I'll place some small ads,

maybe cheer some people up along the way

- Would you like to see them?

- Yeah.

Course you f***ing would.

This is the first one that I placed

l put it in the personals.

"Incurable romantic seeks filthy whore."

This one's slightly more

optimistic that that.

It's a bit more ambitious.

"Albino he-she seeks similar."

I've not had any responses to that as yet

but as soon as I get two I'll set up a

blind date and they won't believe their luck

This next one is the basis for all small ads

in my opinion, in the personals.

"Good-looking, athletic Nortting Hill

based movie star, millionaire,

"seeks gullible stunner."

The business opportunities section

of papers...

l travel up and down the

country doing lots of stand up gigs

and I always sort of read the local paper.

Business opportunities section,

useless for me

unless you want a cafe in Solihull.

No good

l thought I'd try and brighten it up

with an ad. I placed this

"Small minority wanted

to spoil it for the rest of us.

"There's always one - is it you?"

Now Sadly I didn't get any responses

at all to this next one.

"Wanted:
30 Chinamen and a zeppelin

for elaborate practical joke."

Now The announcements section in a

local paper should be an interesting thing.

But it's not

It's Births, marriages and deaths.

Of course If you know the person involved

in being born, getting married or dying,

you know, you don't need to read it

in the paper, so it's a bit pointless.

My nan used to collect

anything to do with our family or friends.

She used to collect all the

personals from the local paper

She'd put them in a shoe box.

She collected them all for 50 years.

And then she died

and we put them in the bin.

That's not a joke,

that's just what happens.

Anyway, I thought I'd try and cheer up

the announcements section of the paper

l went with this ad.

"Amanda, I'm running a bit late.

"Will be there in about an hour.

"How far apart are the contractions?"

This next one is

well it's just playing odd.

l ended up putting it in public

and legal notices

Only because I was out of

ideas as to where to put it

"Nemesis wanted.

"I'm 5'10", into kayaking,

books and conversation by day,

"justice, honour and vengeance

by night.

"Seeking arch-enemy, possibly

crime lord or deformed megalomaniac."

This is not my finest piece of work

but I kind of like it.

"Speech impediment? There's a

New support group for the London area

"Call D-D-D-D-Dave..."

We set these up with real phone lines

so people could call if they wanted to.

We put an extra-long tape for that one

because complaints could take a while.

This one doesn't have a number.

l wanted to get the message out there.

"Does Anyone else think there's something

not quite right about Gary Lineker?"

This one might be handy for some

of the front row. I put it in lost section.

"Lost:
Virginity. Yes! Get in!"

Does anyone here read Private Eye

magazine? Quite a few of you.

You can attest to the fact that the

small ads in back of Private Eye are mental.

They are the most mental thing I have seen

It's full of people saying things like

"I'm just doing a law degree and need

5,000 to complete my thesis."

And then bank account details.

It's the Everest of optimism.

l thought, "I'm getting in on that action."

l placed this.

"Needed:
20K. No questions asked."

Then two weeks later, when no one

came up with the money - terrible -

l put, "All right. 10K.

One question. Nothing personal."

I'm willing to compromise.

I'm reasonable man.

There's a "for sale" section

in all of these magazines around the country

"Hitachi washing machine DX250, under

warranty until kill, kill, kill them all,

"February 2004, in perfect working order,

180 or nearest offer."

The reason I'm so pleased with that

is cos I phoned it in.

The only thing the operator said to me was,

"ls that four kills?"

"Yeah." "Fine."

"For sale:
holiday photos -

choice of ski, sun or city break.

"Ideal for anecdote or alibi."

"For sale:
bonsai tree. Large."

The other thing

I've got quite obsessed by is...

You know the adverts you get on railings

at busy intersections in roads?

Up and down the country you get those

You've all seen those, yeah?

What kind of nutters reply to those?

A lot of people are out of work and think,

"The railings, that's the answer.

"Not a Jobcentre or a friend of a friend.

I'll just go with the railing."

Anyway I thought what I'll do

"I'll set up some of my own.

"I'll put them up around West London

and I'll see who calls."

Nutters, it turns out.

l needn't have bothered my arse.

I'll take you through some of

ones I did anyway

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