Jimmy Carr Live Page #4

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before you forget."

"Money worries?

Work from home. Earn pounds.

"You don't even have to get out of bed!

"To find out more, just call Pimp Jimmy."

Well, this is the last one of these.

"Am you grammar letting we down?

"Private tuition available. Now call now."

I don't know if this has ever

happened to any of you but

l split up with my last girlfriend

because she was very hypocritical.

She'd say, "l love surprises," but when

she heard I was sleeping with her sister...

My girlfriend always says, "You never

tell me how much you love me."

l don't want to upset her.

A couple of weeks ago we were making

love and she had an asthma attack.

l did briefly think I was doing rather well.

At about 90 second two-minute mark I thought

"She's laying this on a bit thick."

Either she wants something

or she's not well.

l totally panicked.

I didn't know what to do

So I phoned a friend of mine

who's a doctor. H lives just down the road

l said to him

"What shall I do?"

He said, "Don't panic. Could be quite

serious. Probably isn't but I'll pop over."

l said, "What shall I do in the meantime?"

He said, "Finish yourseIf off."

Don't give me that look.

It was the right thing to do.

l realize I shouldn't take the

piss out of asthmatics.

They have got enough to worry about

The National asthmatic emergency

helpline service was shut down recently.

Apparently a problem

with all the obscene phone calls.

A lot of asthmatics in?

No. I would have heard you.

I don't know if anyone's got this

Are there lots of couples in this evening?

How many couples do we have?

Quite a few, by show of hands.

How many by shouting out?

- (Several people shout)

- Hundreds. Brilliant.

Does anyone have this

arrangement in their relationship?

It's becoming ever more common now

for couples to have an arrangement

whereby they're faithful to each other

but they have got a clause whereby

if one of them was to meet

a certain celebrity,

they'd be allowed to stray.

Has anyone got that going on

in their relationship?

- Who have you got?

- (Man) You!

Right.

l notice that you're

sitting next to a lady.

- (Inaudible comment)

- You're gonna do what at home?

- Kill me.

- She's gonna kill you? Right.

Or strap one on and f*** you, certainly.

It'll be one or the other.

Anyone else got one?

- You've got one? Who have you got?

- Jim Carrey.

All right. He might be up for it.

And who's your boyfriend got?

"Anything, I'm not bothered"?

What? Sorry?

- Anything good-looking.

- Anything good-looking?

A bit of a change, yeah. Lovely.

You can't say that.

The reason I mentioned is because I have

got an arrangement with my girlfriend

Whereby I get the opportunity

to sleep with Kylie Minogue,

she can f*** off.

Are you all aware of what snowballing is?

The sexual practice snowballing?

- (Man) Yeah.

- Who was that down there?

Quite proud of that. Well done.

Everyone else, nonetheless. OK I'll explain

It says something about you.

Snowballing is a sexual practice where

Having administered oral sex,

your partner doesn't spit or swallow

so much as return to sender via a kiss.

You're looking shocked and appalled

as I explained that to you.

Let me assure you,

l found out the hard way.

It does raise

an interesting moral dilemma.

Should you spit or swallow?

Well, if you really love yourself.

l can see some friends of mine up there

And You're explaining it to your mum.

What a brilliant day out that'll be.

What a lovely drive home.

"So, this snowballing thing..."

Ha-ha! Marvellous.

- Are there any Catholics in?

- (A few people shout)

A few. I'm a lapsed Catholic. I don't know

much about Catholicism but I like the ideas.

l like the idea of the confirmation.

Confirmation correct me if I'm wrong

It's when you're about 12

and you meet a bishop.

And he says to you,

"You're definitely a Catholic."

l don't know if he does that.

He says, "You're definitely a Catholic."

He confirms you. You are confirmed

I think it's a very good idea. I think

Other religions could do with that.

I think The Jews could do with that.

I've got a lot of friends that are Jew

They always say:

"I'm Jewish."

A new book's out called

Better Than Sex With Claire Rayner.

A lot of things in that f***ing category.

I'm struggling to think of anything

that wouldn't make the mark.

l suppose the Rwandan genocide

might just edge it.

(Groaning)

Well... Good. I was in a book store

last week there were third off all titles.

l bought The Lion, The Witch.

l said to the PhD English graduate -

sorry, shop assistant -

"What's this Psycho The Rapist

section?"

She said, "I'll think you'll find

that's pronounced Psychotherapist."

I don't know if you are all aware of this

Are you all aware of the fact that..

Christopher Reeve

wrote a book last year?

He wrote a book called:

"Nothing ls Impossible"

I said he wrote it he dictated it.

It's not important

Come on

Just on the fly leaf cover

of the book it says:

"Since the accident,

Christopher's never looked back."

I mean Fair enough, but there's

no need to rub it in, is there?

l met an incredible girl on the Internet.

Smart, sexy, uninhibited.

Of course It turned out to be

a 12-year-old paraplegic boy.

I'll be honest, the sex was disappointing.

Ohh! I think we've reached

a barrier there, haven't we?

We will laugh at that and nothing more.

Fair enough.

A couple of weeks ago

l failed to perform sexually.

(Laughter)

How is that a laughing matter?

Couple of weeks ago I failed

to perform Sexually

I'm not going to go into details.

Suffice it to say I arrived early.

My girlfriend said,

Don't worry That happens to a lot of guys

l said, "There's two things

the matter with that.

"Firstly, who are these 'a lot of guys'?

"Secondly, if this happened

to more than one of us...

"Don't you think it

could be your fault?"

She says there's never an excuse

to raise your hand to a woman.

What if you've got a question?

She says because she's a woman, she is good

at doing two things at the same time

If that's the case why's a threesome

out of the question?

I was in the high street the other day

There was a girl with the clip board

She said:
"Could you spare

a few minutes for Cancer Research?"

l said, "All right We're not

gonna get much done.

"We can pop in to Boots,

see if they've got anything."

You know that disclaimer they put at the end

of films? You know the one that says

"The characters and the events

in this film are purely fictitious."

"Any relation to real characters

and events is coincidental." Yeah?

Do they really need that

on Lord Of The Rings?

ls anyone watching that thinking,

"This is a brilliant documentary.

"l might think about

going to New Zealand on my holidays.

"Wait. I don't want it ruined

by Saruman and his Orc army"?

Your hair. Well, I'm just saying.

l like the Spice Girls

as much as the next man but...

It's... No, it's... Mm.

l can't help noticing

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