Jimmy Carr Live Page #5

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you've got a tattoo on your...

Well, it's your boob, isn't it, really?

It draws the eye. What is that, exactly?

- A rose.

- It's a rose.

As if b*obs aren't fun enough

as they are.

She thought, I tell ya

I'll brighten these things up.

Loads of fellows are gonna like these

"What do guys like? They like flowers.

"I'll get a picture of a flower."

Did you not think.. what do you like..

What kind of thing?

You look like the sort of bloke

that would like cars and guns and tanks.

Why not get a nice tattoo

of a tank on your tit?

Lovely. He could be going,

"Ooh, is that a Sherman?"

Cos flowers, unless he's secretly gay...

And I'll be honest, there's a lot

of earrings and spiky hair...

Good. Fine.

l remember before J.Lo,

before the term "ghetto booty",

when we used to just call it a fat arse.

J.Lo's had her bum insured

for $10 million.

Don't know if that covers contents.

l was talking to my nan about Ant

and Dec. She didn't know which was Ant.

l said, "Do you know which one Dec is?"

She said, "Yeah."

My girlfriend asked me recently

one of the big questions in life.

She said to me,

"Do you want to have children?"

l thought about it,

I thought:
"God,

ls there any truer expression of the love

That you have for another person

That to have a child with them?"

Cos really that is a bond that lasts

forever. It's not like getting married

Marriages break up. But..

Having a child together,

You know you gonna be bonded

through that child for

the rest of your life.

Then I thought about the money.

I thought how expensive is it bringing up

The child. Apparently

It's the most expensive thing you can do.

It costs $100,000 to bring up a child

up to the age of 18.

It's incredible amount of money

It's not like buying a house,

where you can sell it on

It doesn't appreciate. That's just gone.

Then I thought about education of child

Would I sent him to

State school or private school?

I'm doing all right

l might think about private school..

But I probably end up sending

it to state school and then..you know

Maybe I'd compromise on that

become a bit of hypocrite

end up reading the Daily Mail,

going to parent-teacher meetings,

becoming my dad. It'd be awful.

Then I thought, More about well,

Why am I thinking about having a child?

"Why don't I think

about adopting a child?

"Isn't it just about the

family unit and love

rather than just having a little

mini-me running around the place

Then I thought about how much it'd

mean to have my family name live on

and what it would mean

to my nearest and dearest.

Then I thought again about

relationship with my girlfriend

how That would change I'd probably end up

calling her Mum or something

Be sort of really change..

And that'd change my life

It would change my life,

probably ruin it.

l weighed up all the pros and all the cons

and in the end I said no.

Of course, by then I'd come.

Luckily, all over her tits.

Mum understood that? Good.

Right.

You know Ladies and Gentlemen

One of my ambitions is to write a book.

Like many comedians, I'd love to

write a book

l don't really wanna write a novel.

because I don't know if you ever

Read a Novel by a comedian

But they are shite.

We don't seem very good at it..

That you know...

It requires having an idea that lasts

more than 30 seconds. Not gonna happen

So what I thought I'd do

is a book of correspondence.

That way you're getting someone else

to do haIf the work. Always thinking.

- Would you like to hear them?

- Yes.

Good, otherwise we'd be having

some quiet time.

This is the first letter that I wrote.

It's to my local MP. Chris Smith.

"Dear Mr Smith, Do you get

tired of people writing to you..

Clearly just wasting your time

And have nothing better to do?"

This is to Charlie Statham,who is the head

doctor of NHS Direct in West London.

"Dear sir, I heard about a doctor took out

an appendix with a coat hanger on a plane

Now I'm not a qualified doctor

But I do take an interest

I've got all the proper kit.

"Could you talk me

through the procedure?

"Please write back soon.

She's in terrible pain."

ls anyone in here

a member of Amnesty International?

Someone's timidly put up a hand. Are

you worried about being persecuted?

l wrote a letter to the head of Amnesty

International in the UK.I hope you like it

It's to Kate Allen,

director of Amnesty International UK.

"Dear madam, I like what you people do.

"Writing letters to complain

about human rights violations

"is like a political version

of Point Of View.

"The BBC or fascist leader

may not change what they do as a result

"but at least you slow down their day

as they wade through the post bag.

"I'd be surprised if they got round

to torturing anyone before 11:30.

The number of letters you send

Lots of People do nothing because they

know they cannot change the world

"but you good people are not deterred from

making futile gestures for human rights,

"and l, for one, applaud you.

"Inspired by your unilateral approach

l decided to hold a fund raising dinner

on your behaIf in my home

"l charged people 20 a head,

to come and enjoy a meal

and drinks

with all profits to go to Amnesty.

"Although a success creatively,

we went with a South American theme,

"unfortunately the groceries were

expensive as was the booze

In the end I made a loss.

"You now owe me 57.40."

Amnesty, God bless them, got back to me

almost immediately with this letter

To be honest,

it's a little bit condescending.

"Dear Jimmy,

Thank you for your letter I was delighted

to hear that you're a supporter of Amnesty.

"You do appear to have a few

misunderstandings about the work we do

"so I've enclosed a copy of our

new information leaflet, What We Do."

Which, fair enough, is a very good name

for an information leaflet.

"I've also enclosed a copy of our new

annual review, Human Rights Before Profit."

I've had a flick through

and it's no way to run a company.

"Regarding your recent

fund raising dinner,

"I'm sorry to hear all your energy

and creativity which you put into event

"did not resuIt in you making

your planned donation.

"l usually advise our supporters to

start small and build up with fund raising

"It's also an excellent idea to work out

a simple budget beforehand

"and have a think about

just how many people you can attract

as guests to your event

"This helps immeasurably with planning your

expenditure and setting your ticket price

"and hopefully will ensure a different

outcome at your next fund raiser

"In terms of your request that Amnesty

reimburse you for the loss

I'm afraid I'll have to say no."

Well I was very disappointed

and $57.40 out of pocket.

But I had a money making idea

Who here buys Fair Trade products?

Anyone? Quite a few of you.

Tea, coffee, sugar, that kind of thing.

l think I spotted a gap in the market,

so I wrote them a letter.

"I'm writing because I think I've spotted

a gap in the market." Told you.

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