Jimmy Carr Live Page #6

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"No one is more exploited

than the farmer of the cocoa leaf.

"Whilst drug barons get rich exploiting

both 3rd world farmers

And Ist World and recreational users,

"we stand by and do nothing.

"l propose a Fair Trade

cocaine joint venture.

"l have a contact in distribution,

"and you guys have the perfect cover

to sail through customs.

"Who knows, if it all takes off, we could

end up millionaires...

Brackets

(and help the poor.)

l wrote this one to Martin Bell, the man

in the white suit, political campaigner.

"Dear Mr Bell, your personal assistant

is keeping things from you."

I've not had a reply to that

which would seem to suggest I'm right.

This is what I wrote to...

In terms of taste and decency,

we take a bit of a dark turn here.

Let's be honest

It's a letter I wrote to David Yelland

when he was editor of the Sun.

"Dear Yelland."

l thought that was good.

Tabloidy, strong.

Dear Yelland, There is been a lot of talk

about genetic engineering.

Obviously its a very complex area.

Could you tell me?

ls it wrong to breed piglets

Specifically for the purpose

of weaning paedophiles off babies?

Only I'm thinking of

starting a company with a slogan:

'They'll squeal, but not to the cops.'

l think it's morally acceptable to write

that letter I think it's OK to laugh

but to applaud really that

is bad taste.

l wrote this to Sir John Stevens,

Metropolitan Police Commissioner.

"Dear Sir John, I've got

a bet on with a friend.

l say most policemen are just

nice guys doing their job

"He says all coppers are c*nts.

"Which is it?"

What shall we do here?

Very much your decision.

I wrote a letter to Stephen Hawking?

Would you like to hear it?

- (All) Yes.

- Fine.

On your own heads be it. It's to Stephen

Hawking in Cambridge University.

"Dear Professor, I know

you get lots of letters..

asking you all sort of things

about the nature of the universe

"and I also know you don't

have a lot of time

On you hands to be answering

all of them in great detail.

"But Perhaps this question from my

nine-year old will inspire you a little.

"He is severely disabled

and has similar limitations to you

"but equally he has a great spirit

and refuses to give in on a world

"ready to dismiss him

"as a four-eyed, Mono Tonal

voice-box wheelchair-bound freak.

"Anyway, What he'd like to know is,

would you like to come over and play?"

Obviously When you've sent a letter

like that you're not expecting a reply.

You are Certainly not

expecting a phone call.

But that's what I got

My younger Patrick brother

answered the phone

and passed it to me and said

it's Stephen Hawking's assistant.

l was slightly taken aback.

She was enquiring

as to the name of my son.

Now The only disability my son has

is that tragically he's fictitious.

But as i said My younger brother Patrick

had answered the phone, so I said Patrick.

Gave the name and Then she asked

about his disabilities and I...

You know what u find on daytime TV

I was able to cobble something together.

And the reason I did that was not

to sort of continue the joke

l thought she'd be embarrassed on

phone if I say it was a silly joke,

so I thought I don't wanna embarrass her

I'd say it and that would be the end to it.

But it wasn't the end to it at all

About two weeks later I received this letter

And She sent me a biography

of Stephen Hawking with a photo.

It's not signed.

About a week after that I got this letter

from Stephen Hawking himself.

It's absolutely genuine.

I'll read it to you now.

"Dear Patrick, my assistant Karen

has sent me a letter from your father

"who tells me you've invited me

to come over and play.

"It's very kind of you to send

me the invitation

but unfortunately I'm teaching

at Caltech in Pasadena until 1st May."

Ooh.

"So I can't take you up on your offer.

"Even though I am 60,

l think it's never too late to play.

"One of my birthday treats was to go for a

balloon ride and that was really exciting

"If you're interested,

contact Ian at Innovative Ballooning.

"There's the contact details

and phone number."

l did contact him

and he'd bought us a balloon ride.

l did briefly considered crippling

my brother to take him up on it.

The reason I sort of shared that with you

Ladies and Gentlemen

Cos you know it's all a bit

clever-clever, sending people letters and

kind of running away

but that one went horribly wrong.

And I also thought it demonstrated

that Stephen Hawking is

Not only a brilliant man but a brilliant

bloke. What a lovely thing to do

You know, he's... Fair enough.

Having said that ..responding to a letter

where you, yourseIf are described

as a four-eyed mono tonal voice-box

wheelchair-bound freak...

maybe not that clever.

This is the last letter, It's the letter I

wrote to HSBC. Anyone bank with HSBC?

- (Several voices) Yes.

- Quite few of you. Here's the letter.

"Dear Sir or Madam, I really love

your latest HSBC commercials,

"the ones about cultural diversity..

And the importance of communicative

sensitivity in international finance.

"Having said that I must take issue

with the statement you make

"that the rudest thing in you can do in

Thailand is to reveal the soles of your feet

"Now, I've been to Thailand,

in my year off,

"and I can tell you, you can do things

a lot ruder than that there.

"A lot ruder.

"My friend Keith shat

in a hooker's mouth for a tenner.

"l just wanted to let you know in case

you are thinking about doing another ad

"about Holland or something."

Thank you.

My girlfriend said she

wanted me to tease her.

l said, "All right, fatty."

Things don't always work out

the way you think.

l always thought it would be my mum

that would catch me masturbating.

You think you're shocked.

Imagine my surprise.

According to Official statistics say one

third of accidents at work go unreported.

How on earth do they know?

When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend

And I used to think he

went everywhere with me.

That i could talk to him he could hear me

and he could grant me wishes and stuff.

And then I grew up

and I stopped going to church.

(Some laughter)

That seems to have

divided the room somewhat.

There's two distinct groups there,

There's people that thought that was funny,

And there is a larger group

who will be going to heaven.

While we are on subject of religion

l imagine there's quite a few

people in here that go to Mass

or wherever Protestants go -

hell, I'd imagine. I don't know..

Have you all seen the new

Mel Gibson film?

The Passion Of The Christ.

It's upset an awful lot of Christians.

They are very up..

They are up in arms about it

He made a film about life

of the Christ

but he's tacked on a silly Hollywood

ending where the hero comes back at the end

(Raucous laughter)

Does she love the little baby Jesus?

Does she love the little

baby Jesus or not?

ls she going for a wee?

ls it a wee or a poo?

Shall we time her?

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