Jimmy Carr Live Page #7

---

It's always a bit embarrassing, isn't it?

When people say they hear voices

in their heads -

as opposed to where, exactly?

Hearing voices in your legs,

that's properly mental.

l saw an advert for

aduIt literacy classes..

in the newspaper.

Are there any single men

in this evening? Anyone single?

You're single. Well..

Don't panic. I've got some advice for you

If you really like a girl and she says

to you, "l love you like a brother,"

suggest a weekend in Norfolk.

Unless you're from Norfolk,

in which case it probably is your sister.

- You don't look like you're from Norfolk.

- I'm from Thetford in Norfolk.

You're from Thetford in Norfolk?

Right.

- ls that your sister? Girlfriend? Both?

- Sister.

And you're here with your sister?

Not really, though?

"Saturday night out, I'll take my sister.

She's a looker."

Have you ever with...

I'm only asking.

Do you think your sister's attractive,

can I ask?

- Do you think she's attractive?

- She's OK.

Would you give her one?

That was very low. Sorry.

What about you, love?

l can't believe that. He's from Norfolk

and he's brought his sister.

It could scarcely be better.

I'm amazed you didn't bring your mum.

Did you split up?

Oh, marvellous. I imagine

your family tree's a straight line, is it?

It's just a piece of timber.

Sorry. I may have misjudged this.

It looks like as if...

There may be a short fight after the gig,

which I imagine I'll be losing.

Where is she? Do you think

she's got bladder problems?

Maybe some sort of yeast infection?

We'll ask her when she comes back.

l just hope

she hasn't got any vaginal difficulties.

It's a lovely word, isn't it, "vaginal"?

Oh, clearly not.

I got a friend that picked up

two girls last week.

l said, "They're like buses."

He said, "Yeah, you wait ages

and then two come along at once"

l said, "No. They are like buses."

Someone complained about that joke

couple of weeks ago, after a show.

Quite a big-boned girl.

She said to me,

"l think you're fattist."

l said, "No, no, no. I think you're fattest."

Someone calls Admiral Insurance

every six seconds for a quote.

What a nutter.

Environmentalists tell us that every day

an area the size of Wales is destroyed.

Why is it never Wales?

Are there Welsh people in this evening?

- (Woman) Yes.

- You're from Wales? Don't worry.

Do you know what

the most common crime is in Wales?

No? Hang on, I've got to ask someone

about her fufu.

That's a long time for a pee.

Are you all right?

- You're fine? ls that better?

- Yeah.

Bless you. I'm just talking to your friend

about being from Wales.

Do you know what the most common

crime is in Wales? have a Guess.

- Guess.

- Sheep shagging.

Sheep shagging?

Well, that's rather insulting, isn't it?

And to add insuIt to injury, you're wrong.

It's not sheep shagging. It's ram raiding.

The second most common crime

is having sex with a minor.

If anyone's offended, look for the

other meaning you will be fine.

l bought my girlfriend a book called

Cheap And Easy Vegetarian Cooking.

Which is ideal for her

because not only is she a vegetarian...

She's reading a book at the moment

called, Women That Love Too Much,

which I think could have

the title shortened to Sluts.

The reason old men use Viagra

is not because they're impotent,

it's because old women are so very ugly.

When it comes to the environment,

Its not us but our children...

And our children's children

that will pay for our mistakes.

Which is a relief.

No matter how much you give

a homeless person for a cup of tea,

you never get that tea.

Throwing acid is wrong...

in some people's eyes.

l went up to the airport information desk.

l said, "How many airports

are there in the world?"

She said, "l don't know."

I went up to the check-in desk the

girl said to me "Window seat or aisle?"

l said, "Window seat or you'll what?

Are you threatening me?"

She said, "No, No, No, calm down.

Window seat or aisle?"

l said, "I'll have a seat."

l bought one of those round-the-world air

ticket. 1200. Amazing value.

37 hours later, I arrived at Heathrow.

A lot of people say modern art

is pretentious but I look at it like this...

Boxers don't have sex before a fight.

Do you know why that is?

They don't fancy each other.

If you eat a lot of spicy food

you can damage your sense of taste.

When I was in India last year,

I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

Every year in this country thousands of dogs

are needlessly and pointlessly destroyed.

Every night hundreds

of homeless people go hungry.

All I'm saying is...

it wouldn't happen in Korea.

I'd like to take this opportunity to

recommend Korean food.

to each and everyone of you.Their

cuisine is delicious. Their delicacies.

They're the dog's bollocks.

On holiday I went walking in the Lakes.

It's called swimming.

While I was there..

l met a beautiful girl and fell in love

but she was going out with friend of mine

so I had to hide the way I felt.

That's not easy, wearing Speedos.

Men tend to fall asleep directly after sex.

All I'm saying is,

maybe if women put a bit more into it...

Sorry, that's not meant

to be misogynistic in any way

l was reading, in Tits And Arse magazine,

Very interesting and informative article.

It was about the difficulties

of asking your partner for anal sex

It was entitled

What If She Takes It The Wrong Way?

l see you're shifting uncomfortably.

l didn't mean to offend you.

Whatever you decide about anal sex,

I'm sure he'll be right behind you.

It's easier to get forgiveness

than permission.

l just thought I'd slip that in.

What I'd like to do.I've done a couple

of interviews on television.

I've done Des O'Connor,

I have done Parkinson.

l was all right on them

I was fine but I wasn't brilliant

and I'd like to get better

So what I'd like to do is

to practice with a member

of the audience, doing an interview.

- Now, Would anyone like to interview me?

- (Woman) Yes.

Yes. Right. Her.

What's your name? What?

(Inaudible response)

I tell you what

We'll discuss it here because

it sounds to me

like you don't have a proper name.

But The lady in the blue,

as you will now be known.

You want to stick a mic on her?

Unless you're busy.

Unless you're busy standing by a door.

I'll be honest, she could get up as well.

Christ!

Thank God she could get up,

cos that would...

Come over here.

- Come and sit down. Hello.

- I thought I was sitting in my own chair.

You thought you were sitting

In your own chair? Unlucky.

- I thought it was a joke. You thought it

was a joke? - Well, it sort of is.

Have you not seen a pattern emerging?

There's a list of questions.

What's your name?

- I don't make up my own questions?

- You can make up your own. Feel free.

- My name is Blanid.

- Blanid?

- It's Irish.

- It's Irish for what? Typo?

- I'm not gonna tell you

- What is it Irish for?

- (Man) Flower.

- That's it. Yeah.

- What kind of flower?

- Little flower.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes