Jimmy Carr Live Page #8

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- Not self-raising?

- No.

- Little flower?

- Yeah.

- It's not difficult.

- ls it spelt...

Oh, well, fair enough.

All right, little flower.

l just worry, on the DVD,

if you're watching this back at home,

l can pronounce "blonde", right?

Blanid. Go ahead.

Kick off. Ask anything you want.

I've got those there but you know...

Do you want me to speak from this?

Do you want me to ask these questions?

It's not complicated.

- OK.

- Right back at you.

It would appear, Blanid,

I've got the skills to pay the bills.

- Great to have you here.

- Great to be here.

What do you...

Try and hold it together.

You're not Graham Norton.

No, I'm not Graham Norton.

What do you think about fame?

I'm glad you've asked.

A lot of people ...

A lot of people they get their

first little taste of fame

And they let it go to their heads.

They end up in Priory Clinic talking

about themselves in the third person.

Let me assure you

Jimmy Carr's not gonna let that happen.

Who would you most like to sleep with,

anyone living or dead?

Anyone living.

What...

This could take a while.

Which is your greatest regret?

They say you should regret

the things you have done

Not the things you have not..

but my greatest regret is something

that I didn't do, a girl called Barbara.

OK. What...

Do I look like a wife-beater now,

because she's crying?

(Blanid gasps)

- I'm sorry.

- No, it's fine.

l think I might be giving her an orgasm.

I'm not S....

I've never seen it before.

I've got no frame of reference.

Don't worry, you're not.

Don't have a go.

Which words or phrases

do you most overuse?

Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr.

All I'm saying is...

When you think about it...

Can I park here? ls it in yet?

Where do you get your ideas from?

l think it's the cerebellum

but it could be the frontal cortex.

- Which book changed your life?

- Heidegger's Being And Nothingness.

- What is your most embarrassing...

- Hang on. There's more to that.

Feed line, punch line, then we move on.

OK, go for it. What is

your favourite record of all time?

It's a different question.

- Go back to the book, damn it.

- OK.

- What book changed your life?

- Heidegger's Being And Nothingness.

Before I got that book,

we had a wonky table in the kitchen.

What's...

What's the worst heckle

you've ever had?

l was doing a gig in Bristol

and told a joke, Not a brilliant joke..

"Has anyone been caught thieving

in the Middle East?

"Let's have a show of hands."

A bloke about four rows back

held up a hook.

Properly Abu Hamza style.

To my eternal shame I said,

"Give him a big hand."

- You're going to edit all this, I hope.

- Well, your bits, yeah.

How do you relax?

l put Smarties tubes on cats' legs

and make them walk like a robot.

If I'm really tense,

l make it go down the stairs.

- They get a bit confused.

- Yeah.

A cat looking confused is brilliant.

Little face...

- What makes you angry?

- When I can't get the lid off the Valium.

Which historical figure

do you most admire?

Joan of Arc. Lovely tits.

What would you like to do

before you die?

Kylie.

So predictable.

Any other questions of your own...

Any other questions of your own?

Any questions?

Most people would just read that

and think of a question.

Oh... me..

So you're Irish, are you?

Imagine my surprise. I'm actually...

Where in Ireland?

- Dublin. - I'm actually what

people refer to as a "plastic Paddy".

- I've got Irish parents and Irish passport

- But you were born grew up in England?

No, I was born in Ireland,

Irish passport, Irish parents...

I've got an Irish passport,

everything Irish.

But I speak like this and present myself

like this because I was educated in the UK.

Goes to show what you can do

when you apply yourself.

Every time I speak to an Irish person,

Now, I'm slightly saddened.

l think it doesn't have to be this way.

Well, I think you've done a wonderful job,

Blon... Blondee.

- Blanid.

- Blanid.

Thank you.

Thanks very much for talking to me.

- Thank you... Indeed

- Johnny... Jimmy... Sorry.

That was low, wasn't it?

Give her a big round of applause.

Thank you very much indeed.

Thanks very much. That was lovely.

If you had to choose between

saving your own life and saving

the life of a loved one

most people agree

it would make a brilliant game show.

Mother always said, "If you haven't got

anything nice to say, f*** off."

l read an interview with Margaret Thatcher

a Couple of years ago

And in it she was talking about her funeral.

She said:

"l don't want my funeral to be a morbid

affair. I want it to be a celebration."

l thought,

"You won't be disappointed, love."

My sister had a baby, I went to see it

She said, "Do you Want to wind him?"

l said, "I'll give him a dead leg, shall l?"

Cats have got nine lives, which

makes them ideal for experimentation.

A dog is for life, not just for Christmas,

so do be careful at the office party.

Watching sex on telly with Mum and Dad

That's embarrassing.

l didn't know

they knew how to use the camcorder.

A very common male fantasy

is two women at the same time.

One to cook, one to clean.

(Groaning)

Easy. I'm joking. They want to f*** them.

l live quite near a special needs school.

There's a sign outside.

It says, "Slow children".

l thought that can't do much

for their self-esteem.

But look on the positive side.

Of course, They can't read it.

I'm afraid that's almost all I've got time

for this evening Ladies and Gentlemen

Just one thing left that I'd like to do

which is go through Jimmy Carr merchandise,

if we could just lock the doors.

I've gone for some comedy T-shirts,

which I'd like to show you they are up here

The comedy T-shirt, it's

an underutilised medium, in my opinion.

Hang on. What?

It's a perfectly normal thing to do.

Sell a bit of ware.

The Rolling Stones do it. Why not me?

This is the first one I did.

"I'm with stupid." What do you think?

You could wear it

and the person next to you...

It's got "jimmycarr.com" on the sleeve.

On the back it says, "National

Association of Special Needs Carers".

Who thought that was it?

"My girlfriend went on a UN trip to

investigate child labour in the Far East

"and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."

There's a very serious issue. Children as

young as 10 are working 80 hours a week

in sweatshops in the Far East

stitching trainers.

l wouldn't mind,

but it's the workmanship that suffers.

This one's rather predictable.

But it's kind of fun

"The Christian

Alliance Against Bad Language...

"Can F*** Off."

Got Another religious one. But for a reason

This is the best-selling T-shirt ever

"Jesus loves you."

The most popular T-shirt ever.

"He's not 'in love' with you."

l was gonna go for "He's not fussy

about looks." But I thought no.

Incidentally, if we're all God's children,

what's so special about Jesus?

This is "Love hurts".

That's a nice sentiment, isn't it?

Shows a sensitive side. "Love hurts.

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