Jimmy Carr Live Page #9

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"Try a lubricated finger."

This takes a little bit of explaining.

It's:
"True love waits."

It's The slogan of the Promise Keepers.

They're an organization in America

that believe in holding on to their

virginity and chastity until marriage.

Britney Spears was a member. There's

footage of her leaving on the internet.

"True love waits" is such a lovely slogan.

It deserves a T-shirt.

"Pulls out and comes on her tits."

l imagine you've got the hang of this.

Guess this one.

It's "See no evil,

hear no evil, speak no evil."

No idea? "See no evil,

hear no evil, speak no evil.

"Rohypnol."

There was a story in the paper

earlier this year

about an Englishman arrested in

Ayia Napa for taking advantage of 3 girls

by putting Rohypnol in their drinks.

What's the world coming to?

In Ayia Napa?

You're telling me Rohypnol

is now cheaper than 3 Bacardi Breezers?

Now, this one... The man on my right,

your left, is on fire.

Can you all see that? He's on fire.

"Special Olympics torch arrives."

l did briefly consider the phrase

"flame-retarded". I thought no.

Let's not get out of hand.

Well, This is the last one.

I'm going to leave you with this.

It's been a pleasure talking

to you this evening obviously..

This is a lovely T-shirt.

"World's Best Dad."

- Are there any dads in?

- Yes.

This may be a nice thing to wear

round the house. Wear it with pride.

"World's Best Dad.

"l f***ed your mum."

I've been Jimmy Carr. You've been

absolutely lovely. Thank you. Cheers.

(Cheering and whistling)

(Cheering and whistling)

I don't know if that's ever

happened to any of you

You've had quite a good day at work,

You had everything done that you needed

and then you've been kept behind

at the end for some reason.

Anyway, thanks very much.

Right, the encore. I suppose

I'd better do some more jokes, really.

- How many do you want?

- (Man) Ten.

l can do ten. Shall we count them down?

Yeah, why don't we count them down?

F*** it.

I have got a friend, She's got a theory

She reckons the way

to drive a man wild with desire

is to nibble on his ear lobes

for hours and hours.

l think it's bollocks.

One. One.

Hang on. All together or not at all.

(All) One.

We've got to do this ten times.

I've talked myseIf into a corner.

My mum told me the best time to ask

my dad for anything was during sex.

Not the best advice I've ever been given.

l burst in and said,

"Can I have a new bike?"

He was very upset.

His secretary

was surprisingly nice about it.

l got the bike.

(All) Two.

At the races, my friend said, "Don't back

the heavily-handicapped horses."

l said, "I'm not a f***ing idiot.

l know that for them

it's all about taking part.

In their own way, they're all winners."

(Audience) Three.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread

with cheese and tomato.

Correct me if I'm wrong - that's a pizza.

(Audience) Four.

Well, four and f*** off.

Not you.

A lot of people say men

with big flashy cars have tiny c*cks.

Am I the only one that reckons women

with Espaces and people-carriers...

Well, clearly not.

l thought

l was gonna have to say "bucket fanny".

Thankfully, that's been avoided.

(Audience) Five.

Ladies, if you get a burning sensation

when you pee, it could be three things.

It could be cystitis,

it could be a bush fire...

or it could be

someone's talking about your vagina.

(Audience) Six.

When it comes to charity,

a lot of people will stop at nothing.

(Audience) Seven.

l saw a charity appeal

in the Guardian a few weeks ago.

"Little Zuki has to walk 15 miles

every day to fetch water."

l couldn't help thinking...

"She should move."

(Audience) Eight.

I've sponsored a child in Africa.

She's got the Jimmy Carr T-shirt and hat.

But I worry if it's doing any good.

I've not got any more bookings.

(Audience) Nine.

l was out last week collecting

for a sponsored walk.

In the end I raised so much money,

l was able to afford a taxi.

(Audience) Ten.

Just before the end of the show,

ladies and gentlemen...

- We've had fun, haven't we?

- (All) Yes.

It was a laugh. I enjoyed myself.

F*** you.

No, thank you very much for coming.

l don't want to bring you down

at the end of the show

but I'd like to tell you

this frightening fact, to end on this.

If you took all the money that we in

the West spend on food in just one week,

you could feed the Third World

for one year.

l don't know about you,

but I can't help feeling

we're being overcharged

for our groceries.

I've been Jimmy Carr.

Thank you very much indeed.

Cheers.

(Whistling and cheering)

Thanks very much.

Cheers. Bye.

(Band plays National Anthem)

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