Jimmy Vestvood: Amerikan Hero

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1

Today, unnamed sources

discovered the following footage

from a website

that calls itself

the "Jihadi people's front."

I want to warn you,

the images you're about to see

are rather disturbing,

but if you're a true patriot,

you won't look away.

Now the crowd behind me

can be seen celebrating

the recent crash

of a U.S. drone,

all the while chanting,

"He's going to America,

he's going to America!"

referring apparently to their

ringleader, this man.

Although we have

no idea who he is

because all of these people

look alike,

unconfirmed sources

have confirmed

he is extremely dangerous

and may be intending

on sneaking into America

to perform acts of jihad.

Well, I don't know

about you folks,

but I certainly pray

he doesn't make it.

This is your captain speaking.

We're entering

American airspace.

America, where the

international telephone code

is one...

For a reason.

- Namaste.

- Namaste!

Arigato. Arigato.

Domo arigato.

Arigato, Mr. roboto.

Arigato.

Jesus Christ.

- Allah-o-akbar!

- Air Marshall. Freeze!

Let's roll!

Ow! Watch the nose!

Okay, mister... "Jam-sh*t"?

Jamshid.

- Jamshit.

- Jamshid.

- Sh*t.

- Shid.

- Sh*t.

- Shee-eed.

- Sh*t.

- Shid.

- Sh*t...

- Shid...

Shee-it.

Just call me, "Jimmy."

okay, Jimmy.

And your last name is...

"F***ed-her-in-da-pool"?

- Fakhredinpour!

- "F***ed-her-in-da-pool"?

- Fakhredinpour!

- "Fach-hh-ed-her-in-da-pool"?

Look, you need to do something

about those names, okay?

It's a little crazy.

So where will you be

staying, Jimmy?

Oh, my cousin, Leila,

has procured an apartment

for us next to her

in vestvood.

You mean, "Westwood,"

Jimmy.

- Vest-vood.

- West-wood.

- Vestvood.

- "Wuh."

- veh, veh...

- Wuh-wuh-wuh.

- "World wide web."

- "Vorld vide veb."

- "Wascally wabbit."

- "Vask-Ally vabbit."

- "The wild wild west."

- "The vild vild vest."

you know what, forget that.

Okay, what's your occupation?

Oh, no, sir, we are not

here to occupy you.

We only come in peace.

No, no. Occupation means,

what work do you do?

Oh! Well, actually I was one

of the top traffic officers

in all of Tehran, not to brag.

But I was also working toward

becoming a p.I.

So I understand

this kind of questioning.

English only, ma'am.

- What is "Pee eye"?

- Private investigator.

"Private"...

My lifelong dream? I have

told you like a thousand times?

No idea what you are

talking about.

- Ah-hh!

- Ah-hh!

- Eh-hh!

- Eh-hh!

Yeah?

Okay.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Looks like you two check out.

Word of advice, Jimmy.

People here are on edge, okay?

So I would try to fit in

and try to act less...

What's the word

I'm looking for...?

"Terroristy."

You dig?

Officer, I've been telling

my mother

that ve should only

espeak in English.

- You dig?

- I dig, baba, I dig!

Okay, you dig.

So you are free to go.

- Oh! Allah-o-akbar!

- I said less terroristy!

Officer...

Hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey!

Welcome to America.

Sir, we've reached out

to the iranian

Mohammad Mohammad

mohammadi.

And?

If we guarantee fifty million,

he'll play ball.

- Guarantee it.

- Yes, sir.

And make sure our congressman

pushes through that resolution

for a pre-emptive strike.

- In progress, sir.

- And the other piece?

Ah, well, do you remember

that story on kox news,

about six months ago?

You mean about that

radical fanatic?

Well, as it turns out,

he's not a radical at all.

Our drones captured

these photos of him.

He's a low-level traffic cop.

A nobody.

He's terrible at his job.

Nobody likes him.

- He's got a sweet tooth.

- Sure, he does.

That's exactly

what he's got.

He has a real penchant

for cotton candy.

He put himself

in a sugar coma, sir.

- Oh, really?

- Yes, sir.

-Oh, you mean this one?

The dog likes him.

The dog likes the sugar, sir.

And the best part is,

after he left Iran,

he moved here to Los Angeles.

- He lives here?

- Yes, sir.

I think we've got our guy.

- Yeah.

- Good work, Karl.

Thank you, sir.

Help yourself

to some jelly beans.

While publicly maintaining

that their nuclear program is

solely for peaceful purposes,

the islamic Republic's

supreme commander

of nuclear proliferation,

Mohammad Mohammad mohammadi,

during a visit to Venezuela,

gave the following speech,

let's look.

If Americans don't estop

their provocative accusations,

ve vill have no choice

but to destroy them.

Ve condemn the great Satan

and ve vill not stand

for their bullying.

Canada.

Always bullying people.

Oh, one more thing.

I hate gays, Jews, and blacks.

Except for magic Johnson--

pre-aids.

Him, I like.

- Thank you.

- I like him, too.

- Oh, I like him, too.

- You like him, too?

- Mm-hmm.

- We have something in common.

Now we at kox news

pride ourselves on the facts,

bringing you the facts

and the truth in our news.

No editorializing

and no fearmongering.

Which is why I can say

with certitude

that, even as we speak,

the iranians are developing

American-exterminating

weapons.

And because they hate us--

they hate our freedoms,

everything we stand for,

our ability to have a family,

they hate our freedoms

to walk with our dogs and

our children at night,

go out on a Sunday

for a walk with our dog

and have a hot dog.

Make no mistake,

your children aren't safe

and your dogs

aren't safe.

Very soon, the bombs

are gonna be in the air.

What's with suede jacket?

Who do you think you are?

Esteve McQueen?

- Ehh.

- Eh?

-Hank shannity is talking.

-Up next, do you use

a cellular phone?

- Yes.

- Chances are good

- you're already dying of cancer.

- No.

- We'll be right back.

- Our TV is too small.

Oh, shut up.

- Agh! I was watching!

- Put your uniform on.

I'm not gonna wear that silly

security jacket again.

Don't be a child.

You know how many

strings I pulled

to make mehdi give you

that job in market?

You pulled estrings to get me

a job as a security guard?

- Yes.

- Gee.

Good thing

you're well-connected.

Eh.

I didn't come to this country

to be a security guard.

I came to this country

to be an American hero.

Like esteve McQueen.

"Freeze.

You're under arrest.

You have

the right to an attorney,

you have the right to dance."

- Hi, maman.

- Oh, hey.

- Hi, cousin Leila.

- Jimmy.

Hi, Leila.

I made these flyers for your

private investigator business.

Leila, this is

fantastic.

- What is it?

- Here you go.

Huh.

This is upside down.

Oh, no, no.

Oh. Who is this

"Jimmy vestvood"?

That's my new American name.

It came to me in a dream.

Jamshid, this private

investigator

is very dangerous

business.

And you,

please don't push him

with this Jimmy

vestvood dreams. Eh.

She's alvays squashing

my dreams, this one.

- I tell you.

- I know.

You know, Leila,

I like what you did here.

I just wish you would have

shown my hair.

What hair?

I like it.

Yes, I'm just saying,

you know, it's in a little bit

of a recession,

you know, like the economy.

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