Jimmy Vestvood: Amerikan Hero Page #2

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Jimmy vestvood, private

investigator, at your service.

- No.

- Thank you very much.

Jimmy vestvood, at your

service, private inves--

- No.

- Thank you very much.

Thanks for considering.

Thank you.

Jimmy vestvood,

private investigator.

Private investigator?

So, you help find things?

Yes, sir, I do.

How can I be of help?

Can you help me

find my quarter?

It's right there.

Oh, you're good.

You're good.

Hey Jimmy, can you

investigate us a dime bag?

Can you find me

an Asian woman?

Yo, dawg, hook me up

with a record deal.

I'm persian like a cat

do you like my hat?

That's my brother, Matt.

- Investigate that.

- Jamshid.

What do you think you're doing?

Come walk with me.

Passing out flyers

on my time?

This is very selfish.

And don't you forget,

if it wasn't for me

to give you job,

you would be back home

in Iran in prison.

- Why would I be in prison?

- Pshh.

Do you think they need

to have a reason

- to put you in prison in Iran?

- Good point.

But it doesn't even make

a difference, Mr. mehdi.

These people all just

want wishy-washy favors.

They don't even get

what a p.I. Does.

And no offense, Mr. mehdi,

but I did not come to America

to work at a persian

supermarket.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You should be grateful

that you have a place

to work in this economy.

Ask Rick.

He'll tell you.

Dude, I'm white, good-looking,

I have a ph.D in economics

from Harvard and this

is the best job I've had

- since graduating.

- Okay, do it again,

and this time,

use more elbow doctor.

Elbow grease.

"Ph.D."

- prick.

- I heard that.

That's for my

little baby, ooh...

Hey, you open it,

you buy it.

- Homayoun?

- Dad. Hey.

Jamshid, you remember

my son?

Homayoun? The last time

I saw you, you were

a little boy.

What happened?

Puberty?

- That was 20 years ago.

- Wow.

And now he's getting

married to homeira joon.

- Hi, nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you too.

You look so happy.

Yeah.

She's always happy.

And once they are married,

he's gonna take over

the business.

Dad. We talked about this.

I don't want to be

a butcher.

I mean,

I'm a vegetarian.

Don't be a p*ssy.

No offense to you, homeira joon.

I like p*ssy.

Okay.

Son, I promised your mother

on her deathbed

that you're going

to take over this

butcher empire.

- Homayoun?

- Mh-hmm?

It's you.

Don't break my heart.

Don't break my heart.

Okay, okay, dad.

Let's take it easy, okay?

- It's okay sir, it's okay.

- It's gonna be okay, dad.

Mr. mehdi, come back.

Come back.

Okay... okay.

Congratulations

on the wedding.

Stay happy.

So, how is your mother?

She's good, thanks god.

She's good.

Well, I tell you what.

If you convince her

to go on a date with me,

I will let you

pass out your flyers.

Mr. mehdi, I'm not gonna

pimp out my own mother.

You're not pimping her out.

I just want to take her

out for a Starbucks.

You scratch my balls,

I scratch yours.

I'm pretty sure

it's "Back."

well, my back

is not itching.

Okay, you got a deal.

I scratch your balls.

Okay, I will give her

my beef.

She's gonna love it.

And, I will

throw in my bone.

Mr. Westwood.

At your service.

I understand you're

a private investigator.

- Yes, I am.

- I may have a job for you.

- What kind of job?

- Please, get in.

Mr. Westwood?

Mr. Westwood?

Mr. Westwood. Hey.

- Ugh!

- Sorry. Sir.

Get in. Plug the nose.

Sorry, sir.

- Oh, god.

- Let me get that for you.

- Oh-hh!

- Sorry, sir.

Oh, wow.

A big-screen TV.

This is

the American dream.

Mr. Monroe will be

with you in a moment.

Can I get you a cocktail

while you wait?

Yes. Tea.

Hot tea.

Stirred, not shaking.

Shaken, not stirred...

Oh.

Hello, deer.

I would not shoot you.

Hello?

Mr. Westwood?

Over here.

Oh, sorry,

I was just practicing

- my investigator techniques.

- J.P. Monroe.

Nice to meet you.

Don't mind him.

That's just some liberal

I shot in the head once.

Just kidding.

Oh!

You're just kidding.

No, I did. I shot him.

Just kiddin'.

No.

I did. I shot him.

Just kidding.

Oh,

you're kidding again.

- He died of natural causes.

- Oh, good.

Right after I shot him

in the head.

Not good.

You don't mind if I call you

Jimmy, do you?

- At your service.

- You're not a liberal?

I don't even know

what that means.

Here, sir.

Stirred, not shaken.

Thank you, Mr. Karl.

Thank you very much.

- Very appreciate your efforts.

- Sure.

Oh, ho, ho,

it's magic

you know

never believe

it's not so

it's magic

you know

never believe

it's not so.

Just stop it. Stop. Stop.

Hello, I'm Marcy.

Marcy Monroe.

I'm Jimmy.

Jimmy vestvood.

Like Clint eastvood,

but vestvood.

The pleasure's all mine,

Mr. Westwood.

Oh, no, no, I insist.

The pleasure is mine.

No, no, I insist.

The pleasure is all mine.

No, you see,

I cannot accept that

because where I come from,

the pleasure between us?

It must be all mine.

Well, I'm a modern

American woman

and this is America,

so the pleasure will

have to be mine.

Okay, okay, fine.

The pleasure is all... mine.

Oh. Sorry,

that's my phone.

Oh, "Blocked number"?

Curious who that could be.

Hold on.

Hello?

Maman?

Maman, I'm busy.

Yes, maman, I ate

my vegetables today.

No, I did not find

a vife.

He smells like beef.

Sorry about that.

Very important client.

So, vere vas ve?

Honey, why don't you go get

your hair done or something?

Mr. Westwood and I have

some business to discuss.

Okay.

You like staring at my wife,

don't ya, jimbo?

Yes.

Oh, no, I mean,

no, sir. No. No.

Oh, it's okay.

Many, many men enjoy staring

at my old lady.

Which is part of the reason why

I brought you here today, Jim.

The reason

I wanna hire you, jimbo,

is because I think that

my wife is having an affair

with an a-rab,

if you can imagine.

And what better way

to catch an a-rab

than with another a-rab--

in the act?

Good point, sir. Very good

point, very good point.

But sir, just fyi,

I am actually not arab.

I'm actually from Iran.

"Iraqi, irani, kiss my Fanny."

What do I know?

You know these people.

You know how this guy thinks,

where he goes, what he does.

Follow them.

Find out if my wife

is having an affair.

Karl?

There's $2500 in this envelope,

all right? It's yours.

And there's plenty more

where this comes from

if you think you can

get the job done.

Oh, yes, sir,

I can get the job done.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Leila. You escared me.

How did you get in here?

Easy. I let myself in

by squeezing through

the bathroom window

after jumping off

the fire escape

of the adjacent building.

Jimmy. I have to

tell you something.

This isn't easy

for me to say,

but there's no better time

than the now.

Ever since we were kids,

I've had the craziest

crush on you.

There's just

something about you.

You're so pure,

so innocent.

I mean,

look at your face.

You even have

deer-like features.

- Deers are creatures?

- No. Deer-like features.

You had a deer

for a teacher?

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